Hot Takes In Your Area: I Bet Ireland Never Even Had Any Snakes

March 17, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

People, we are being lied to. For centuries, the lobbyists behind Big Ireland have forced down our throats the theory that Saint Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, saving the Irish people from sure snake-related demise. But us thinking people, there’s just one question we need to be asking: where’s the fossil record?

Surely, if there were snakes in Ireland for most of the 7,000 years our planet has existed, there would be some sort of fossils to prove it. There would be those cool snake skin moltings that your second grade teacher let you touch on a field trip but then got mad when you tried to steal, right? Instead, the only thing our archaeologists can find are “Irish I Was Drunk” t-shirts (which, in fairness, are fucking hilarious) and leprechaun bones littered across the countryside.

I may not know much, but I know this much: this whole “St. Patrick’s Day” thing is a false flag operation if I’ve ever seen one. Just look where this so called information is coming from– organized religion and the lamestream media. People, don’t you think maybe the Catholic church has something they’re trying to sell you with this whole snake story? Something, I don’t know, called GOD? That’s right, Big Ireland, Big God and Big Media are in cahoots and they’re using our very reasonable pathological fear of snakes against us. Disgusting.

So the real question is what they’re trying to hide with this nonsense. Now people I don’t know the answer but that won’t keep me from speculating. Maybe St. Patrick was caught in an illicit affair with a snake. Maybe he had a whole secret family with snakes. Maybe he WAS a snake. Like I said, I don’t know. None of us do. And that’s the problem with this snake blarney.

Until we know the truth, we won’t be free. Godspeed.