Hot Takes In Your Area: Graviational Waves Are Boring As Shit
NOTE: Hot Takes In Your Area should be considered satire at all points unless you agree with it in which case it’s totally serious.
Listen up, nerds. Last week every dork in America was freaking about waves of gravity or something but let me just set the record straight: gravitational waves are boring as shit.
First of, all these LEGO losers didn’t even discover anything, ok? Albert Einstein discovered gravitational waves like a thousand years ago. Apparently these asshole scientists have been running around with MY TAX DOLLARS trying to double check Einstein’s math. Hey “geniuses”: Einstein doesn’t need your confirmation. If they’d asked my opinion before they started all this nonsense I could’ve said, oh I don’t know, maybe, “hey guys, let’s just assume Einstein was right cause he’s literally Albert Einstein.” But nooo, they had to go and waste everyone’s time. And now they want a Nobel prize for this? That’s crazy talk, just straight up nonsense. Maybe the Nobel prize for boring stuff! But even that one’s gonna be tough for them cause Jeb Bush is going all in.
Second of all, I’m not a science hater, ok? I love when science says stuff like “a couple of drinks a day is probably good for you maybe” or when science devotes eight times as much funding to curing male pattern baldness as it is to curing AIDS. Love shit like that. But I don’t love boring papers by boring old scientists who just want to hear themselves talk. Look, I listened to them for at least four or five seconds and I couldn’t even believe how boring they were. We’re talking about black holes here! Black holes are cool as balls. They destroy everything in their path and literally rip worlds apart. Maybe if these bros had gotten up there and given a 30-minute description of what happens to human organs as a black hole approaches, stretching every fiber of our being into pieces, I could’ve stayed awake. Instead we’ve got these stupid old dudes lecturing us on hearing waves (even though they said the waves were silent?!?!) and I guess we’re all just supposed to accept that. Not me though. Not how I was raised.
But you know how I really know this “announcement” was “boring af”? It’s not even the most interesting wave-related news of the week. That’d be the twitterfight between Kanye and Wiz about whether Ye had the right to call his album Waves (Spoiler: he didn’t). When you’re getting bodied by an online feud about the origins of a specific style of hip-hop, YOU’RE LOSING. Cause you’re losers.
So there it is, people. If you got all excited about some bullshit wavey announcement that we already knew about, you’re wrong. Just sayin’.