Trying to figure out what it means to be post-hipster now that hipster is so 2009.

What Is Post-Hipster?

May 27, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

“Hipster” is rapidly in decline, a far cry from its cultural prominence in the halcyon days of the Bush and early Obama administration. But what does it mean to be “post-hipster?” Here’s as best as we can figure out:

Form of transportation
Hipster: Fixie bike
Post-Hipster: Bike share program

Form of music consumption
Hipster: uTorrent
Post-Hipster: Spotify

Primary mode of communication
Hipster: Irony
Post-Hipster: Emoji

Most aggravating sexual spinoff
Hipster: Metrosexual
Post-Hipster: Lumbersexual

Smoke of choice
Hipster: Marlboro Reds
Post-Hipster: Vaping

The better Kanye than even Kanye is…
Hipster: Common
Post-Hipster: Chance the Rapper

Favorite album
Hipster: In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
Post-Hipster: 1989

Side gig
Hipster: 19th century replica woodworking
Post-Hipster: Renting out loft on Airbnb

Preferred form of pedantry
Hipster: Pitchfork
Post-Hipster: Vox explainer

Hipster: Brooklyn
Post-Hipster: Queens

Most frequently-confused bands
Hipster: The Strokes vs. The Shins
Post-Hipster: Beach Slang vs. Beach House

Political stance
Hipster: Whatever
Post-Hipster: It is obscene — obscene — the way Hillary and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and the rest of the Democratic Party has rigged the system against Bernie.

Cause of indignance
Hipster: Being called hipster
Post-Hipster: Trader Joe’s is out of quinoa

Drink of choice
Hipster: PBR
Post-Hipster: Dry-hopped extra-pale IPA

Secret ambition
Hipster: Hang out backstage with Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Post-Hipster: Become a Vine star

Hipster: Eggs from neighboring urban farm-raised chickens, hand-cut oatmeal
Post-Hipster: Pro-biotic kombucha and avocado toast

Hipster: Barista
Post-Hipster: Business operations at this startup that’s like Spotify for bow ties

Most recent photo taken

Hipster: Lens flare onto rusting urban landscape, perfectly captured on the DSLR
Post-Hipster: Brunch, perfectly captured with the Valencia filter

Favorite Movie
Hipster: Charlie Kaufman’s Adaptation
Post-Hipster: Last summer’s Marvel movie

Facial Hair
Hipster: Waxed moustache
Post-Hipster: The Chris Hemsworth

Genre of the band you’ve been jamming with
Hipster: Anarcho-Feminist Steamfolk
Post-Hipster: Jaime’s been laying down some kind of trappish beats with the vibe of Chicago drill, and we’ve got a real Young Thug feel over the whole thing.

Greatest Fear
Hipster: Somebody realizing your vinyl collection is all reissues
Post-Hipster: Engaging in a conversation while riding Uber Pool

Is a douche about coffee?
Hipster: Obviously
Post-Hipster: I don’t appreciate the violence you’re targeting at me by silencing my voice that coffee is better when it’s hand-picked, locally sourced, quintuple-roasted coffee that’s ground for me in the morning by Chrysanthemum at my local coffee shop?