The Definitive Answer for How Much Money It Should Take for One Man to Go Down on Another Man
It’s a question as old as time itself. A question whispered, spoken, and (occasionally) shouted everywhere from hangouts to huge festivals to classrooms to hiking trips in the middle of nowhere that have a weirdly sexual energy about them but it’s definitely not like that, I’m super sure. It’s a question men have asked one another since fire and penises were created: How much money would someone have to pay you to go down on another man?
A couple weeks ago on Saturday Night Live, newcomer Pete Davidson answered this question, and the bit went viral. His answer: Not very much. “I would do it for like three thousand, if I had to be honest with myself.” he says. While this is certainly an exaggeration, Davidson’s answer did open up the key part of the dialogue on this question: how much would it cost? Every friend group has one or two guys who will do their best “I’m the most straight man” posturing and claim there’s no amount of money that would convince them, but Davidson’s answer got right to the point: Yes there is, and it’s probably less than you think.
Now before we dive into the discussion of what exactly this number is (yes, there is a single correct number), there are a few circumstantial factors we should point out to frame how exactly we’re approaching this question:
- In this situation, the man being asked to suck another man’s penis resides on the more heterosexual side of the sexuality spectrum. 1 Not that being a woman or a gay man excludes you from this conversation, but the assumption that, at some point in your sexual history, you have done or will do this for free certainly alters your perspective – and that would just complicate numbers too much.
- The penis will be reasonably clean. It will not be pristine and taste like chocolate or bacon, but the subject will be STD-free and have taken a shower at least 6 hours prior to the fellating.
- It’s going to be all the way to finish. We’re going to give a rough estimate here and say that takes about 10 minutes. I know there will be some arguing about this, but if someone said they were going to go down on you and stopped after 10 seconds, you’d call them a liar. This is not a question of how much it would take to convince you to lick a penis (a number probably in the low four-figures), it’s how much it would take to get you to suck one.
- You don’t have to swallow.
With these logistics taken care of, let’s get to it.
First things first, it’s less than one million dollars. Let’s all acknowledge we’ve all done, or at least considered doing, some pretty strange or disgusting things for very little money. I’ve watched people eat mayonnaise, olive juice, ketchup, spray cheese, spam, and stale Cheetos salads for tens of dollars. I’ve seen someone lick a foot (recently removed from a shoe) for fifteen bucks. I drank a bowl full of hot sauce, which gave me The Devil’s Diarrhea for more days than I’d like to admit, for fifty dollars. We can set the bar high for something as serious as giving a blowjob, but penises aren’t that gross and our standards aren’t that high; one million dollars is way above the correct answer.
With that fallacy cleared up, it’s time to get down to the brass tax of what this money would mean to your life. For the sake of this argument, we’re assuming you’re probably in your twenties or early thirties, unmarried, and have no children. 2 This means you’ve got a degree of responsibility, but there’s not a ton of urgency to having a big safety net. You also probably (hopefully) have a job, or at least aren’t homeless. Those sorts of things drop the value of this exchange substantially.
Those factors considered, there are probably a few key things you’re going to want to be able to achieve with your dick-sucking money:
- Improved Standard of Living: You don’t want to blow a guy and then be forced to go back to living your life the exact same way. You’re going to want to upgrade some things. If you don’t have a car, you’re probably going to want a car. Fellating a man for money will certainly make you do some deep thinking about what your life has become, and you’re going to want to travel to really open your mind. You’ll need a car for that. If you already have a car, you’re probably going to want a nicer car. It’s going to be difficult to accept that you blew a guy to orgasm and still have to take your 2005 Civic everywhere. You’re also probably going to want to make some improvements to your apartment. You have a job, and therefore a decent apartment, so there’s no reason to blow your blowing money on an entirely new place. However, a nice TV, some speakers, and a framed poster (or art, you classy man, you) or two certainly would soften the blow (that was the last of those, I swear) of accepting how you came (HA! Okay, I’m done now) into that money. A new suit and some other new clothes would also probably help offset the overwhelming shame you’ll feel when dates ask you how you paid for your new car.
- Total Value: $74,000
- Vacations: Once you’ve sucked a penis to orgasm for money, you’re probably going to want to get away. Far away. This is the time when you’re going to want to visit that place you’ve dreamed about your entire life. Maybe that means traveling the Italian countryside. Maybe that means climbing the Himalayas. Maybe that means going to Amsterdam, getting super high all the time, and having someone suck your penis for money. No matter what, it’s going to be far away, “exotic,” and engaging enough to make you temporarily forget about how you got the money to pay for the trip in the first place. It will probably be a pretty long trip – around a couple weeks. Down the road, you’ll want to take another vacation. One that’s relaxing and not as intensive as the first. You’ll probably just want to go somewhere pleasant you’ve maybe been once before or heard things about. It will be Hawaii. You’ll go there for a week, most of which you’ll spend drinking strawberry daiquiris on the beach. Fuck gender norms and men not being able to drink delicious beverages. You sucked a dick for this money; you’ll drink a goddamn mimosa if you want. And chase it with a Shirley Temple. This will probably be the extent of your true vacations.
- Total Value: $23,000
- Leisure Time: You’re not going to want to work after doing this deed. You’re going to want to take time off to go on the aforementioned vacations, and just relax and think about your life. However, despite what you may think, you’ll likely not want to quit working forever. People who say they’d only suck a dick if they were paid enough money to never work a day in their lives again are greedy liars who don’t understand how people function. Ideally, you’ll want about six months off. That’s enough time to think about whether you’re happy with the career path you’ve taken, and potentially go to some workshops and networking events if you aren’t. With half a year off, it will be awhile before you feel like your next day of work is on the horizon but it will still be soon enough that you won’t feel like you’re losing your worth as a human being. However, you’re going to want that paycheck to cover rent and other essentials. During these six months, you’re also going to want to pick up a new hobby or two, or maybe rediscover an old passion. Maybe you’ll enroll in an improv class, or get a membership at a nice gym with a great spinning program. No matter the activity, taking time to figure out what you like about life and yourself during this leisure time will be the key to making your decision to…you know (we don’t need to keep bringing it up. Forgetting is a key part of moving forward)…worth it is using your newfound wealth to truly improve your life and yourself.
- Total Value: $56,000
Those three categories cover the major things you’ll want from this deal, but there are definitely smaller things you’ll probably want as well: Memorabilia from your favorite athlete or actor, goofy things you enjoyed as a kid (don’t buy too many packets of Pop Rocks. Your memory has allowed you to forget how quickly their fun wears off), and various other random shit. After doing what you did, you’re not going to want to live on a shoestring budget. However, you’re also not going to be going crazy and buying everything you see – so this is not going to send our final number anywhere near the classic “One Million” starting point.
Beyond everything we’ve covered, you’ll probably want to have a little money that you can save or invest. You may also want to go to therapy if you feel that’s necessary (or have simply been considering before this deal), but we’d like to assume approaching the situation with this cost-benefit analysis will prevent this from being a scarring experience. You’ll definitely blow some of it on early overcompensating while on dates or out with friends, and you’ll probably lose a thousand or two on that weekend trip to Vegas you know you shouldn’t take. Anything besides these expenses (and the random ones mentioned in the above paragraph) is probably covered in our three categories. That means IT’S TIME FOR THE FINAL NUMBER.
There are a lot of things you’re going to want to be able to do after going down on a guy for money. You’re going to want to improve your standard of living, you’re going to want to go on a couple big vacations, you’re going to want to take time away from work to find yourself and discover your passions, you’re going to want to buy odd and whimsical things that grab your attention for fleeting moments, and you’re going to want to be free to waste some of that money on dumb decisions and unnecessary posturing. However, all of these things have a price tag. When you add up the value of all of these different things, you have the definitive answer to the question “How much money would it take for you to go down on another guy?”