Kensington Pet Products signs on with us, I will give you the best blowjob you’ve ever had in your entire life?

If You Give My Agency Your Business, Mr. Williamson, I Will Suck Your Dick Right Now (by Peter T. McDermott, President, Dynamia Marketing Strategists)

June 29, 2014 / by / 40 Comments

Well, Mr. Williamson, I hope that you found my agency’s presentation today very helpful. Clearly, we have the ability to provide you with advertising and marketing capabilities in various areas: not only creatively, but strategically and analytically as well. I know I speak for all of my executive officers, and really all of my employees, when I say that I think Dynamia and Kensington Pet Products Inc. could generate some very impactful and positive results together.

I remember you saying, however, Mr. Williamson, that you are currently entertaining another two or three other marketing agencies. I completely understand this; obviously you simply want what is best for your company.

But would it sweeten our deal at all, Mr. Williamson, if I told you that if Kensington Pet Products signs on with us, I will give you the best blowjob you’ve ever had in your entire life?

I don’t mean to tell you your place, sir, but I believe that to be a pretty big game-changer. What other agencies have offered to generate for you ground-breaking ideas across print, mobile, and viral platforms, and have also had their respective presidents offer to get on their knees, pull down your pants, and suck your cock?

I’m going to guess not many.

Now, I understand that you may be somewhat underwhelmed by this deal. “A blowjob?” you’re thinking. “Gosh, Pete, I can get those from my secretary any time I want. And besides, I’ve had other agencies’ presidents offer to jerk me off if I gave them my business, so what’s really the difference?”

The difference, Mr. Williamson, is that I give blowjobs like no one else in advertising. Just last month, we landed Big Box Retailers as a client; and one of the clauses in our contract dictated that I had to give blowjobs to not only Big Box’s CEO, but also the President of their Board and their CFO. And, not to toot my own horn or anything, but they seemed very satisfied. If you don’t believe me, I’d be glad to give you their contact info.

And not only that, Ted – I can call you Ted, right? – but I can deliver on that promise right away. I’d be willing – no, glad – to deep throat your pulsating schlong right here, in this board room, in front of all the attendants of this meeting. Just say the word, and I’ll get right on that. We can work out the details of our contract afterwards.

I can see you’re not totally on board with me, Ted. All right. What if I promised to cuddle with you afterwards? I could even stroke your hair and be your own personal therapist for an hour or two. I don’t mind. I want my agency to be there to support your business and your brand; and if that means I have to taste-test your man-gravy, then gosh darn it, Ted, I will do it, and do it happily. Nothing is more important to me, and more important to Dynamia, than our clients’ satisfaction. And if that satisfaction takes the form of some consensual, smooth, and satisfying oral sex, then that’s the form it’s gotta take.

So, do we have a deal or not?