Chemicals are everywhere. Because they are everything. They are all of the things.

Nothing is “Chemical-Free” Because Everything is Chemicals

April 04, 2016 / by / 1 Comment

The official definition of matter is anything that takes up space and has mass.

Therefore, everything you see, everything you touch, everything you taste, everything on this planet, in our solar system, in our Universe, is matter (except for anti-matter, but we’re not talking about that right now, so fuck off Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Not forever, just for now). The air you breathe, the water you drink, the food you eat, it’s all matter.

Matter is made up of molecules. A molecule, to quote TechTarget, is “the smallest particle in a chemical element or compound that has the chemical properties of that element or compound.” It’s the smallest piece a thing can be broken down into while still technically being that thing.

Molecules are made up of atoms. Atoms are the building blocks of matter. They are the individual elements of a larger whole. Atoms come together to make molecules, which come together to make compounds (aka stuff).

Another word for compounds? Chemicals. Everything that has an atom in it is a chemical. So, quite literally, everything is a chemical.

Nothing that exists in this world is not a chemical. All things are chemicals. I know this because I took basic science and was also paying attention and also I have Google now.

Let’s consult a dictionary.

According to, the definition of a chemical is “a substance produced by or used in a chemical process.”

You know what substance is produced by the chemical process? Every substance. All of the substances. They are all chemicals.

I bring this up because as I walk this Earth, and I see many products advertised as being “chemical-free.” That is false advertising. They are lying to you. It is impossible for a product to be chemical-free. All products have chemicals in them. A basic tenet of an object existing is that it is made up of chemicals. That’s just a law of existence.

Or sometimes, I’ll hear people say they won’t eat certain foods or take certain medications because they have chemicals in them and they don’t like putting chemicals in their body.

The next time you hear somebody say that, here’s what I want you to do: I want you to sit them down, take them by the hand, and say, “I hate to break it to you homie, but you have been putting chemicals in your body all your life. If you hadn’t, that means you haven’t been eating or drinking or breathing, and that means you would be dead. In fact, you are a chemical. You are made up of chemicals. Stop sobbing, it’s all going to be okay, I’m here for you. We’ll get through this together.”

And it will be okay, because us humans have been peacefully coexisting with chemicals for years, and look! We’re still here! We made it! Not all of us. Some of us are dead. I’d even venture to say that most of us are dead. But humanity is still here! Even though there are chemicals!

Now, if you want to say your product has no “harmful” chemicals, go ahead. Some chemicals are bad. Like arsenic. Or plutonium. I sure would not want to ingest neither of those.

Or maybe you want to not put any “artificial” chemicals in your body, that’s your prerogative. I mean, it sure is nice having the smallpox vaccine, and seed-less watermelon sure is convenient, but be my guest. Your body, your temple, man.

Just don’t say ‘no chemicals.’ Because that is impossible. Because chemicals are everywhere. Because they are everything. They are all of the things.

This has been a blog post about an important matter (see what I did there?)

  • as

    what bunch of nonsense.
    go suck a dick