Jeff Weiner #Before9am

Quiz: Which occupation had this #Before9AM post?

August 25, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

Since Jeff Weiner apparently has so much time on his hands to be productive before 9am (how he can do that despite presumably having to slog through a backlog of 15,000 useless LinkedIn notifications is beyond us), we wanted to test if you can identify which potential twitter user had the following #Before9AM posts:

Where am I? Damn my head hurts. Throw 3 twenties at prostitute for a tip (even though she was ‘too tired’ for anal), shower, print deck for MD. #before9am

Johnny Manziel or Goldman Summer Analyst?

Look at myself in the mirror. Turn away, look at another man. He’s weaker than me, but they all are so who gives a fuck. Quick, beat off to myself before my model wife wakes up. #Before9AM

Kanye West or Donald Trump?

Oh God the sun is really beating down right now. Throw 3 twenties at prostitute (even though she was ‘too tired’ for anal), line up crushed Vicodin, boom, game face game face, I can do this #before9am

Johnny Manziel or Goldman Summer Analyst?

Shit. They’re on to me. They know I’ve been lying the whole time and I made a bunch of excuses instead of claiming that I had bad judgement. Whatever, at least I’m white and I can swim really fast so I won’t get punished too hard. Hahahaha. #Before9AM

Ryan Lochte or Brock Turner?

Open Twitter. Look for accounts that bait me and offer an opposing viewpoint. Destroy them based on semantics and not on argument. Get high five texts from my echo chamber. Smile and go back to bed. #Before9AM

Breitbart commentator or Social Justice Warrior?

Drink the blood of my already dead enemies, but it’s not enough. I must have more. I will destroy all that are like them, how dare they mock me. I’m super fun, can’t believe they say I have thin skin. Call my attorney. #Before9AM

Dictator or Peter Theil?

Wake up from the same nightmare. I can’t believe we lost, it felt like we were winning for so long. We choked it all away by thinking we could get away with the same shit all the time. Well, guess it’s time to join them now. #Before9AM

Uber China or Kevin Durant?

Ugh can’t believe it’s morning already. Admire my tattoos , wow they’re so beautiful. Maybe I should get another one. Which trendy shirt do I wear today? The long one or the one with a Banksy on it? Maybe I just go shirtless today. #Before9AM

Intelligentsia Barista or Justin Bieber?