Electoral College Dropout: Speculating Kanye’s Cabinet Appointments in 2020
December, 2020 — It’s been approximately one month since the nation chose to elect the presidential ticket of Kanye West and Dalai Lama on the basis of “401K’s and Tax-breaks,” and while we wait for what is potentially the most epilepsy inducing inaugural ball, the staff at National Ave has gotten their hands on some of the potential cabinet nominees.1
Secretary of Treasury – Jay Z: Kanye thought this position should be given to the richest person he knows, so naturally the best choice was HOV. Luckily, Jay is quite business savvy and would be the first cabinet member to have his own brand of alcohol. You crazy for this one, Jay!
Secretary of Defense – Chief Keef: YUNGCHOPPAONDABEAT POW POW BANG BANG BANG YAK YAK YAK BANG BANG YAK, HOW YOU GON SAY CHIEF KEEF AIN’T NO HITTA, HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS THAT’S THAT SHIT I DON’T LIKE.
Secretary of Education – Rick Ross: America’s recent wave of anti-bullying has significantly upped the number of “bitch ass snitches,” and if there’s anybody that can turn ship it’s former corrections officer and current human blimp Rick Rozay.
Secretary of Energy – J. Cole: You thought this would be Drake, right? Well, fuck you.
Secretary of State – Drake: He’s foreign, he’s accessible and he’s diplomatic. Drake’s nomination as Secretary of State guarantees that this will be a world tour and not his girl’s tour.
Secretary of Interior – Kim Kardashian: Heh heh heh. Get it?
Secretary of Commerce – 2 Chainz: “2 Chainz, Fo Bracelets.” Let’s face it, we all want to be buried in the booty club when we die.
Secretary of Labor – Aziz Ansari: Nobody has a better work ethic in show business.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Macklemore: If there’s anything Ye loves more than leather basketball jerseys of obscure East African basketball players, it’s shock value. Ye wants to set history by designating the first White HUD Secretary.
Attorney General – Ruth Bader Ginsburg: She’s had a very compelling career and is one of Kanye’s favorite legal minds, making her by far the most predictable choice for Ye’s cabinet.
Secretary of Transportation – Wiz Khalifa: Thought you’d never see school buses being hot-boxed? Think again. NO KEYS, PUSH TO START.
Secretary of Homeland Security – 50 Cent: 50 got shot 9 times, survived, and then challenged Floyd Mayweather to read one page of Cat in the Hat. You think he’s scared of fucking ISIS?
Chief of Staff – Jaden Smith: The Chief of Staff has to be on the same page as the President, and the only person who says more potentially profound but largely incoherent shit than Kanye is Jaden (“how can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN JADEN). Jaden is also one of Kanye’s spiritual advisors and most trusted confidants.