The Beacons Are Lit AF, Fam
Yo fam, check out these beacons. They are lit. Are these beacons not lit? Yeah, they’re fuckin’ lit.
Like, goddamn are they lit. I can’t even think of the last time I saw something this lit, and I’ve seen some pretty lit things. I went to Coachella this year. But these beacons? Take it from me — they are LIT.
I do understand the urgency of this situation, of course, but I can’t help but take a moment to soak in the Unbearable Litness of Being that is these beacons. I mean, they must’ve been lit at Minas Tirith, and stayed lit af all the way through Anorien and the Eastfold. And yet, here they stand before me, still as fucking lit as a 15-year-old visiting her older sister at college for the first time.
The amazing thing is that these beacons were built for the explicit purpose of getting lit. We knew that someday this might happen. But even still, it is a thing to behold, how lit they are. No stories from last night, weekend camping trips, or Bar Mitzvahs have ever been this lit.
Imagine a pop-up Katy Perry concert had a lovechild with a Compton block party, and that child’s godfather was Munenori Kawasaki after the Blue Jays clinched the AL East last year. That child would be maybe half as lit as these beacons, fam. These beacons are seriously fuckin’ lit. If they were a talking mouse, they would be named Stuart Lit.
Theoden, you see this shit? You see how fucking lit these beacons are? Have you ever seen something this lit?
Yeah fam, Gondor is definitely calling for aid. I mean, no single kingdom of men can be this lit without a bit of support. Those guys are probably losing their minds over there in Minas Tirith, considering how lit these beacons are.
Or fucking Osgiliath! Can you imagine? That city is basically ruins already, so if they are even a fraction as lit as these beacons, that’s already way too lit.
Oh shit, think about Denethor right now. How lit he is, judging by these beacons. He couldn’t be more lit if he literally lit himself on fire and jumped from the highest point on the city.
You’re right, Rohan must answer Gondor’s call. These beacons are so fucking lit, we have no choice but to go see what that shit’s about.