Taco Bell Breakfast Is The 21st Century Forbidden Fruit

March 30, 2014 / by / 17 Comments

Yesterday morning, I hurried to Taco Bell before 11am to try the fast food chain’s new breakfast menu. I was stone cold sober, I ordered a waffle taco and an A.M. Crunchwrap, and I’m currently experiencing a height of self-loathing I haven’t felt since I watched Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace alone and of my own volition. Sure, T-Bell’s breakfast wasn’t the worst meal I’d ever had, but it was far from a pleasant dining experience.

Admittedly, I anticipated these feelings. I knew that Taco Bell’s breakfast would provide no alimentary gratification. I knew that I would leave with a mind full of regrets and belly full of hastily digested dogfood. But I went anyway. Why? No, seriously, why the hell did I do this?

Here’s the thing: I am perfectly aware that Taco Bell is objectively sub-par food. I have the means to eat better food. There was an Einstein’s next door and a Panera down the block, and I could have gone to either for a healthier, cheaper breakfast. But something drew me to the Taco Bell breakfast. It was more than a mere novelty calling my name; I found it oddly alluring, as if a biblical snake had whispered in my ear that I would be endlessly wise if I were but to taste the forbidden Cinnabon® Delights™. Then God shows up (my mom, probably) and asks me what the Christ I think I’m eating, and I realize that I’ve just shoved a pound of Grade D food down my gullet without any regard for the physical (or spiritual) consequences.

It is certainly troubling to live in an era when a restaurant that is ubiquitously acknowledged to offer the lowest quality food available can unroll a breakfast menu and capture the attention (and money) of so many. It’s one thing to drunkenly stumble into a Taco Bell at 2am and devour a Doritos Locos taco like it’s your last shred of food before getting lethal injection, but it’s an entirely different thing to wake up sober, walk ten minutes to a Taco Bell, and start your day off with a Waffle Taco. But millions of people, including myself, have taken this step.

So the conclusion I’ve drawn is that human beings are simply not of strong enough moral fiber to resist the temptation offered by Taco Bell’s breakfast. We’re like Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight; we have the means to be great and the intelligence to do the right thing, but in the end, the temptation of evil was just too strong. We’re fucking doomed. The four horseman of the apocalypse are approaching quickly, and you can bet your ass they’ll be grabbing breakfast at Taco Bell on their way.