If Every Famous Photograph Were Taken By HONY

January 29, 2014 / by , / 23 Comments

“What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever gotten through together?”

“Either sustaining heavy casualties while clearing out an island infested with hidden bunkers over the course of five bloody weeks, or syphilis.”

“So what’s your biggest accomplishment in life?”

“Becoming the icon of American industrialism, entrepreneurial spirit, and willingness to take any job during the Great Depression regardless of safety concerns. How did you get up here?”

“How did you guys meet?”

“Ten seconds ago, when he forcefully shoved his tongue down my throat.”

“What was the saddest moment of your life?”

“I mean, these tanks murdered thousands of innocent civilians yesterday. That was kind of a bummer.”

“Do you remember the saddest moment of your life?”

“Definitely when the Soviets killed my parents, forcing me to hike across the mountains to a Pakistani refugee camp.”

“What’s one way the camp improved your life?”

“I got a sweet profile picture out of it.”

“How did you guys meet?”

“Do you just not understand the basic premise of what we’re doing?”

“What’s the fist for?”

“Power Rangers.”


“No. It’s the black power movement.”

Seen on the Upper West Side

“If you could change one thing about him, what would it be?”

“A number of things, but for the time being, I’d probably make him not have a gun.”

“What do you think is the strongest force in the world?”

“Flower power.”




“The United States military.”

“How do you want people to remember you?”

“I just hope that one day, people will interrupt somebody listing my crimes to remind them that I did something important with China.”

“What’s your favorite thing about having a dog?”

“Well, this actually isn’t my dog.”

“What was the greatest day you ever spent together?”

“We shared a magical evening in Camp David together last fall. It wasn’t too hot, wasn’t too cold, and Joey, sorry, Josef, made some killer cran-vodkas.”

“What’s the hardest part about being destitute?”


“What brought you all together?”

“Magic: The Gathering tournament.”

“What do you miss most about Earth?”

“Gravity…and pussy.”

“What was the saddest moment of your life?”

“Fuck you.”

“What was the happiest moment of your life?”

“Fuck. You.”

“If you could give one piece of advic–”

“Fuck you.”

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