Can you think of anything worse than a snake?
No, that’s not a rhetorical question. Try to answer it. Try to come up with something worse than a snake. Can you do it?
Serial killers, you say? Yeah, I’d say serial killers are pretty bad. But when was the last time you were worried a serial killer would slither on to the sidewalk while you were on a stroll? When was the last time a serial killer ate one of his victims in one bite?
Or perhaps you’d suggest that volcanoes are worse than snakes. Again, an understandable point; at their best, volcanoes are dormant, and at their worst, they interrupt Pierce Brosnan from splooging on the mayor of a charming small town in the Pacific Northwestern. But volcanoes are not sentient; they’re a geological phenomenon. Snakes aren’t a geological phenomenon. They’re just assholes.
It seems to me that amid the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we often forget to take a moment to think about how fucking terrible snakes are. Verily, they are the worst creatures imaginable. If you tried to come up with a creature worse than a snake, you would spend hours drawing a host of creatures with horns and glowing eyes, foot-long talons and razor-sharp teeth, before finally concluding that even a Krampus-esque beast of mythological proportions would not be worse than even the smallest piece-of-shit snake.
It all started in the Garden of Eden.1 God thought to himself, “What’s the vilest, nastiest, most fucked up creature I can conjure up? One that, through its mere existence, extols the most diabolical and ignominious virtues imaginable by the human mind?” He looked at all the animals he had created — cats and dogs, birds and bees, lions and tigers and bears — and thought, “No, let’s come up with something better. Let’s make sure that before these humans can even be tempted by the creature, they get so startled they shit their fig leaves.”
In fact, I’m pretty sure the snake never actually spoke to Eve in the Garden. Eve saw the snake, lost her shit as any normal human being would, and climbed the Tree of Knowledge to avoid getting fucking eaten alive by the snake. The snake, being a stubborn little cocksmooch, lurked around the root of the tree for days until Eve had to eat from the fruit of the tree for sustenance.
Conclusion? If it weren’t for a snake, you would be reading this article in the Garden of Eden, where every bar carries Coors Banquet and the Giants never go to the World Series. But instead, you’re reading this article in a world where The View runs for 17 goddamn years.
However, you needn’t even look to the Bible to see that snakes are total dicks. Just take a look at other people who don’t like snakes. Indiana Jones, for example, hates snakes, and readily admitted his fear, because he knows it’s rational. You know what else Indiana Jones does? He melts Nazi faces. If you can’t trust a man who melts Nazi faces, you’re probably an anti-Semite, in which case you don’t need to keep reading, because you probably love snakes.
Samuel L. Jackson also hates snakes. In fact, one time he was caught on home video yelling about how tired he was of snakes:
If you don’t share Mr. Jackson’s disgust with the snake species, you’re discrediting one of the most electric and memorable actors of our time. Not only are you a snake-coddling hussy, you have terrible taste.
But if that doesn’t have you convinced that snakes are the most wretched creature to ever slither the Earth, maybe you should think about the people that own pet snakes. You know, a few celebrities own pet snakes. Can you guess which ones? Justin Bieber. Nicolas Cage. Jaden Smith. Willow Smith. You think I’m fucking kidding? I bet you wouldn’t think I was kidding if I told you I discovered that on ranker.com.
In case I didn’t make myself clear, let me reiterate: Justin Bieber owned a snake. That is, until 2012, when he donated it to a zoo in Minnesota. I almost pity that snake, seeing as it had to grow up as Justin Bieber’s pet and then live out the rest of its days being ogled by frostbitten zamboni drivers, but then I remember that it probably is, like most other snakes, a 9/11 truther.
Or consider this: so far as I can tell, there is really only one article on Buzzfeed speaking positively of snakes. Buzzfeed, which has a thousand articles for every breed of cat, only has one. And it’s written by the same author who wrote gems like “17 Things That Happen At A Tween Pop Concert” and “25 Things Only People Who Like To Be Alone Will Understand.” Hmm, maybe if you didn’t like snakes, you wouldn’t have to deal with loneliness. But don’t mind me, I’m just the guy over here who inexplicably doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as a motherfucking python.
You want to know another shitty thing about snakes? They don’t have arms. Not a single one has arms. I’ve never seen a snake that has arms. Even stupid little prairie dogs have arms, but snakes don’t. I don’t mean to disempower anyone, but if you don’t have arms, you shouldn’t go around demanding respect by being a dick. You should acknowledge that this world is meant for creatures with arms and go join your rightful place among your armless friends in a McDonald’s Filet.
Most of all, snakes suck because some of them are poisonous. God decided that snakes were such cocks that if you let yourself get bitten by one, you don’t even deserve to live. The real tragedy is that sometimes you don’t even get the benefit of dying by snake poison. Some snakes just say “fuck it” and eat you whole, like a goddamn Skittle. They don’t even chew you up. How do you die in there? Do you slowly run out of oxygen? Do you drown in the snake’s digestive fluids? Do you lose a hand-to-hand fight with the last guy the snake ate? However it happens, I bet it’s terrible, because snakes are fucking terrible.