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Following Jim Harbaugh’s Heartbreaking Efforts to Use Twitter

February 11, 2015 / by / 1 Comment

We tend to assume that high profile Twitter misusers are sort of like celestial bodies; we get to revel in their magnificence, but we probably don’t get to witness their birth. However, when University of Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh joined Twitter last month, we saw the beginnings of a Twitter-shitshow in the making. Let’s take a look at some of Harbaugh’s most pronounced misuses so far.

Okay. This isn’t even much of a gaffe, rather an opportunity for improvement. So Jim, take note. Here’s Lesson One: When you have a special occasion to announce via social media, make a big deal about it. Post a picture of you and your wife — if you have one from early in your marriage, that’s even better. Use words like “thankful” and “blessed.” Say things like “my wife Sarah and me” instead of “me and my wife Sarah.” Get your head out of your ass.

Hooooo boy. This tweet, only Harbaugh’s third, was the first time we realized we might have an infantile Twittersaster on our hands. Listen, Harbs: If you’re Catholic, that’s great. I mean, not like the perfect scenario, but not a big deal. And you can even tweet about Catholic things, if that’s really what you want! Alerting us to the fact that you have followed the Pope on Twitter, though, may be unnecessary. More importantly, I’m not so sure that “Go Blue!” is the proper follow-up to “Now following Pope Francis @Pontifex” unless you’re about to announce your intent to take up a job at Notre Dame.1 To be honest, try to limit your use of “Go Blue!” to times when it really makes sense, like “Just put my quarterback in without him first undergoing concussion protocol. Go Blue!”

Hey Jim, here’s some silk to wipe your ass after that rose-scented shit you just took on our Twitter feeds. That being said, it was encouraging that you suggested “great” wasn’t always spelled with a capital “G” — after your tweet four days prior, we weren’t so sure:

Incorrectly capitalizing isn’t a crime, sure, but it’s a slippery slope. One day you’re failing to understand that “great” can be spelled lowercase, then you wake up the next day and you’re Jaden Smith. Tread softly, Harbie Doll.

Also, what the shit has gotten into you? You’re so damn positive and bubbly. It doesn’t fit. What happened to this guy?

Bring back the old Jim Harbaugh who jumped around like a feral chimpanzee every single time a flag wasn’t thrown in his favor. If we wanted to see this sunshine-out-your-dick bullshit, we’d turn on an episode of goddamn Property Brothers.

I…what? Jim, what’s the deal? “Unknown to Mankind”? If this is your way of trying to come clean about being a cyborg angel sent from Heaven to end Ohio State‘s insufferable, prickish arrogance once and for all, you can just say that. Or maybe you can’t. I suppose I don’t know exactly how God forges contracts with Dark Angels.

It’s weird that you seem so human.

Oh Jesus, was this Jim Harbaugh or Chuck Grassley? He’s slipping fast. Nurse, defibrilator! (Real talk, though — can we all take a moment to really try and imagine what it would have been like to watch Madonna’s performance with Jim Harbaugh?)

Don’t do this, Jim. This was a bad tweet. It was a bad tweet and you should not do tweets like it again.

It’s a beautiful world we live in, friends. Don’t take the little things — like Jim Harbaugh quoting a radio-edited Rick Ross — for granted.