A Grand Meeting of All My Personalized Facebook Ads
SCENE: A summit has been called among the multitudes of personalized ads that show up on Clyde’s Facebook. The meeting has been called out of concern that Clyde needs a lifestyle change, but nobody can get through to him.
Amazon Prime: Hey everyone. Thank you all so much getting out here on short notice. I think we all understand that this is an urgent problem that needs an immediate solution. We should probably try to do this methodically, so let’s start making a list of potential problems — reasons why Clyde doesn’t seem to be listening to any of us.
Zoosk: Is he single? He’s single, isn’t he. What if we set him up with someone, do you think they could get through to him? My point is, there are lots of singles in his area. I mean, a lot. The dude lives in the fucking motherlode of lonely singles.
Amazon Prime: Zoosk, did you not listen to anything I just said? Identify the problems, then look for solutions.
State Farm: Okay, I’ll contribute. Do you guys realize this idiot is paying $480 more than he needs to for insurance? No wonder he doesn’t listen to his friends, he doesn’t fucking listen to anyone. Probably a goddamn sociopath.
Amazon Prime: State Farm, I get what you’re saying, but–
State Farm: Please hold. An agent will be with you shortly.
Comcast: OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST STEAL MY CATCH PHRASE.
Ecco Domani Wines: Guys, please, we all just need to relax.
Amazon Prime: Yes, let’s stay focused.
Precious Paws: It’s really nice to be here with you all today.
Comcast: WHO THE HELL IS THIS BITCH.
Precious Paws: Oh dear! Ha ha.
Amazon Prime: Comcast, again, please be polite. But yeah, Precious Paws? Who…what are you?
Precious Paws: A local pet grooming service. Every day is a blessing at Precious Paws.
Amazon Prime: Oh. Well…you know Clyde doesn’t have any pets, right?
Zoosk: He doesn’t have a busty girlfriend either but I guess we’re just fine with that.
Precious Paws: Oh, dear me! Goodness. He doesn’t have any pets at all?
Amazon Prime: No. He has no pets.
Precious Paws: Well then, I suppose I’ll be on my way.
Pet Smart: I think that’s my cue as well.
Comcast: PET SMART YOU’RE ALIVE? WE THOUGHT YOU DIED YEARS AGO IN THE RECESSION.
Amazon Prime: Comcast, for the love of God, please lower your fucking voice. Precious Paws, Pet Smart, thank you for attending, but we won’t need you here anymore.
[Precious Paws, Pet Smart exit; AT&T enters]
AT&T: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. I got…there was a…well, you know, I’m AT&T.
Amazon Prime: Understood. You haven’t missed much. We’re trying to figure out potential reasons why we haven’t had any success getting through to Mr. Stuart.
Team Stuart: STUART?! YOU’RE A STUART?! I’M A FUCKING STUART!!! HOLY SHIT BRO, DO YOU WANNA GET SOME T-SHIRTS MADE?!?!?!
Amazon Prime: Okay guys, I said very explicitly in the GroupMe that I did not want him here. Who brought him?
Team Stuart: I BROUGHT ECSTASY IF ANYONE WANTS SOME.
Amazon Prime: Who was it?! Who did this?!
Team Stuart: DOES ANYONE KNOW IF THEY’RE MAKING A RUSH HOUR 4 ANY TIME SOON?!?!?!
AT&T: I’m so sorry, it was me. I didn’t see your message in the GroupMe, because my phone is always having these weird problems and I can’t figure out how to fix them.
Amazon Prime: Please escort Team Stuart from the premises, and then come back and we’ll resume.
AT&T: Okay. Sorry guys. I really do try, I swear I do.
Amazon Prime: Just go. We’ll wait.
[AT&T escorts Team Stuart out, returns]
AT&T: Hey guys, I’m back. But I just realized I left my wallet at home. Should I run back and get that?
Amazon Prime: Why would you need your wallet?
AT&T: I don’t know, just in case…I don’t know. I’m sorry, that was a stupid question.
Amazon Prime: Hold on. AT&T, why are you here?
AT&T: Well I’ve been trying to get through to him for months about switching to AT&T.
Amazon Prime: Why would he ever switch to AT&T?
AT&T: I mean, he has T-Mobile right now.
Amazon Prime: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ecco Domani Wines: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Amazon Prime: Shut the hell up, Comcast. You’re the T-Mobile of Internet providers.
Comcast: FUCK YOU, I’M LEAVING. TOO FAR, AMAZON PRIME. TOO FAR.
Amazon Prime: Now let’s really try to focus for a while. We’ve gotten literally nothing done so far.
Fall Out Boy: Yeah, let’s get down to business fellas!
Amazon Prime: ……….Fall Out Boy? Why are you here?
Fall Out Boy: Are you kidding? Like, 9 of Clyde’s friends like Fall Out Boy.
Amazon Prime: Your point?
Fall Out Boy: We want him to support us, too. He said he likes The Who on Facebook.
Amazon Prime: Leave.
Fall Out Boy: Ugh. No love.
[Fall Out Boy exits]
AT&T: Okay, so I really think part of the problem with Clyde is that he needs better phone service.
UNICEF Tap Project: Oh yeah, great. Let’s have him on his phone more. Great idea. Moron.
UNICEF Tap Project: Forget it.
Zoosk: Guys pleeeeeeeease can we just get him laid?
Blue Cross & Blue Shield: Quiet, Zoosk. Adults are speaking.
Amazon Prime: What do we think about–
Sanctum Sanctorum Religious Art: Spiritual art therapy? Ridiculous, I was literally just thinking that.
Amazon Prime: Come on now.
Sanctum Sanctorum Religious Art: No, hear me out. He–
Amazon Prime: Hasn’t set foot in a church since Christmas Eve.
Sanctum Sanctorum Religious Art: But that’s besides the–
Amazon Prime: Go home, Santorum.
Sanctum Sanctorum Religious Art: Sanctorum.
Amazon Prime: Santorum.
Sanctum Sanctorum Religious Art: Bye.
[Sanctum Sanctorum Religious Art exits]
Freestyle Insulin X: Can I say something?
Amazon Prime: If it has to do with diabetes, then no. He isn’t diabetic. You shouldn’t even be here.
Sierra Trading Post: Now listen, Amazon Prime, I think you’re starting to dominate this–
Zoosk: Dominatrix? We could toooootally find him a dominatrix chick.
Sierra Trading Post: Nope. Not at all. Not what I meant. What I was trying to say is–
Amazon Prime: Who are you?
Sierra Trading Post: Honestly, nobody really knows. I just show up when I’m called. But I have some good ideas, I think.
Amazon Prime: Oh, really? You have some good ideas? Are they better than thousands of hours of video and TV streaming? What about shipping discounts?
Sierra Trading Post: I’m just trying to add some–
Amazon Prime: Have up. This is bullshit, I’m out of here.
[Amazon Prime exits]
UNICEF Tap Project: Well, there goes the one person who knows everything that he buys online. Our chances of influencing him are pretty little now.
Ecco Domani Wines: Whatever, he probably only uses Amazon to buy condoms and Skittles.
Zoosk: But don’t we all?
[laugh track, lights out]