A Battle Royale Among TIME’s 100 Most Influential People of 2014

April 25, 2014 / by / 25 Comments

Yesterday, TIME Magazine released its list of 2014’s Most Influential People. Divided into categories of Titans, Pioneers, Artists, Leaders, and Icons, it’s a robust list, boasting some of the most important names of this generation. So naturally, we asked ourselves the question: What would happen if all of these distinguished individuals were placed in an enormous arena (sans weapons) and asked to fight to the death? Here’s what we came up with:

First 10 People To Die

1 and 2. Robert Lopez and Kristin Anderson-Lopez. Before getting into the nitty gritty of this killfest, a remarkable social phenomenon will occur, in which everyone in the arena makes an implicit agreement that the married couple who wrote the music for Disney’s Frozen really just has to be the first to go. The two will weep softly, whispering to themselves, “Don’t let them in, don’t them see” as they are violently mauled by their competitors.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo. Sure, the guy is a professional athlete. He’s got some physical prowess. However, in a Battle Royale, you can’t fall to the ground unprompted and expect a referee to come in and give your assailant a red card. Welcome to contact sports, Cristiano.

4. Edward Snowden. You want to know another thing you can’t do in a battle royale? Go into self-imposed exile, free from extradition. There’s no place to hide, Edward, and your computer skills aren’t going to save you. Vladimir Putin would protect you, but right now he’s busy eviscerating Matthew McConaughey.

5. Matthew McConaughey. Good looks and greasy charm can offer success in Hollywood, but not in a Hunger Games-esque Murderpalooza. At least his Ray-Bans will protect his eyes from harmful U.V. rays while Putin bashes his head in with a small rock.

6. Benedict Cumberbatch. Sorry, everyone; I love Benedict Cumberbatch, too. But his indomitable acting chops will not protect him from the fury of a tight gang of Chinese and Indian tech pioneers. As he breathes his last breath, Tumblr crashes.

7. Pharrell Williams. Realistically, he’ll probably be Vladimir Putin’s second kill. As he beats Pharrell to a pulp, Putin begrudgingly sings, “Clep uhlong eef you fihl like mehn withoht jahguluhr vehn.”

8. Travis Kalanick. Maybe the man behind Uber is actually quite a warrior. But with 100 people in one arena, there’s no doubt that at least one of them has family ties to the taxi industry, and they will certainly take the opportunity to crush Kalanick’s skull while Kerry Washington has him in a headlock.

9. Miley Cyrus. A renowned chain smoker, Miley Cyrus dies of lung cancer early in the battle.

10. John Kerry. Having been told by numerous friends and acquaintances that he could literally bore someone to death, the Secretary of State talks in great detail about his foreign policy acumen. Sadly for him, he was never told the corollary to his deadly skill: he could literally bore someone to death unless Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe curbstomps him first.

Last 10 People Alive

Vladimir Putin. This one’s a no-brainer. The man rides horses shirtless and fights bears for sport. Despite the fact that many people on this list are political enemies and skeptics of his, he has no trouble clawing his way to the final group of ten people.

Amy Adams. She teaches us an important and surprising lesson about a battle royale; low-cut dresses and glorious cleavage are of great value. Nobody wants to kill someone who looks like that. Hey, battle royales never claimed to be a gender-progressive institution.

Richard Sherman. Laying evidence to his claim that he’s “the best killer of influential persons in the game,” Sherman will fight with a rare ferocity and gall, especially when he allies with fellow Stanford alumnus and basketball player Jason Collins.

Robin Wright. Not until the final throes of the game will anyone even try to kill Robin Wright. She’s really just too intimidating.

Eric Holder. No man with a mustache like Eric Holder’s is going to go down without a fight. Holder surprises us with some impressive strength, and his longevity is boosted when he brokers an astonishing alliance with Pope Francis and Carrie Underwood.

Serena Williams. No matter how cunning you are, a battle royale always rewards raw strength, and nobody can outdo Serena Williams in that category. She has snapped the necks of entrepreneurs, diplomats, and Seth Meyers to get this far, and she didn’t come all this way just to lose.

Kim Jong Un. This man refuses to submit to even the possibility of death. He manages to isolate himself in an area of the arena with little media coverage, claiming to be refining his fighting skills. We forget about him, but with just a few competitors remaining, he emerges from his reclusion, broadcasting his readiness to take on the competition. It’s honestly unclear how somebody hasn’t just wiped him out yet.

Hillary Clinton and Angela Merkel. Separately, these two would likely have fallen victim to stronger competitors, but they fostered an alliance that miraculously enabled their survival. If they both manage to survive the Battle Royale, they plan to expand the alliance’s functions to lobbying for more gender parity in Western politics.

Major General H.R. McMaster. The guy is an American military man, of course he’s going to be able to make it this far. He has greatly enjoyed thinking of this battle royale as a microcosm for American military imperialism.

Champion

Serena Williams. Here’s how it goes down: Eric Holder and Maj. Gen. McMaster team up to take down the frustrating Hilldawg-Merkel alliance, and do so without difficulty. Putin, fresh off his effortless cheap shot kill on Amy Adams, proceeds to take down both Holder and McMaster on at the same time. Meanwhile, Robin Wright has beaten the living shit out Kim Jong Un. Seriously, she just decimates the little guy. But Robin Wright is neither strong nor ferocious enough to fend off Serena Williams, who happens to have just smothered Richard Sherman with her unreasonably muscular thighs. This, of course, sets us up for what we wanted: a final battle between Serena Williams and Vladimir Putin. It drags on for a while, but Serena ultimately prevails with a knockout blow to Putin’s temple. The battle royale is over, but only more chaos ensues when a peculiar loophole in the Russian constitution makes Serena Williams the de facto president of Russia.