7 People We Discovered That We Hate This Summer
Can you feel it in the air? The wind is crisper, the leaves are richer, the Jaguars are 0-4 — it must be autumn. Yes, the Great Summer of 2014 is behind us, and it’s time to stop for a moment and reflect. How was this summer? Good? Bad? Too hot? Too chilly? Well, we aren’t going to talk about those things. Instead, we’re going to stay positive and focus on the important takeaways from this summer: Who are the people that made us hate them?
This one should be pretty self-explanatory. I mean, the guy was already unpopular with anyone who drafted him on their fantasy team last year. But that can be forgiven over time, sometimes. Knocking out your wife in an elevator, unapologetically dragging her around like a neanderthal lugging around his club, then lying to the public about it? Less forgivable.
Transformers: Age of Extinction is the nadir of modern society. We knew Michael Bay was an untalented bag of skinflutes, but now we can’t let a day go by without reminding ourselves. He is to cinematic progress as Jar Jar Binks is to science fiction.
Militarized Police Forces
It seems to me that ever since that movie S.W.A.T. with Samuel L. Jackson and Colin Farrell, my impression of militarized police is constantly dwindling. It doesn’t help when they do, I don’t know, I guess literally any of the things they did this summer.
The guy who sings “Rude”
I’m like 55% sure I know the guy’s name, but I’m not going to say it, for mostly the same reasons that wizards and witches don’t say You-Know-Who’s name aloud. This song single-handedly ruined my entire summer. It’s like someone took Bruno Mars, robbed him of approximately 85% of his talent, then told him to channel the distinctive whine of Blink-182 while singing a song with lyrics that are literally less interesting than the Chacarron Macarron song.
Before this summer, I was familiar with ISIS only in the context of Egyptian mythology/Archer. Turns out, these guys are actually enormous cockbags. Like, really just shitty dudes.
Nobody ever really liked Cristiano Ronaldo unless they were A) Portuguese, B) a Real Madrid fan (I think “Real Madrid apologist” is technically the correct term), and/or C) an aspiring pricksicle. But this summer, the World Cup gave us the benefit of seeing the extent to which Ronaldo is a piping hot bowl of douche — and that was just a few weeks after the world watched him take off his shirt and run around the field to celebrate a goal that had absolutely no significance in the game.
NOBODY MAKES ME CRY IN PUBLIC, LINKLATER. NOBODY. FUCKING NOBODY. YOU DICK.
P.S. Roger Goodell was not included in this list because we’ve hated him since he was born, whenever that was.