12 Tips to Help Figure Out if the Woman You’re Hitting On Has a Boyfriend

July 17, 2014 / by , , / 209 Comments

We’ve all been there. You’re chatting up a lady and things are going great. Maybe you’ve thrown down on a drink or three for the pair of you. She seems receptive to your jokes, she’s cute, she doesn’t seem to be with anyone, she seems genuinely interested in you… and then BOOM!! 36 minutes and untold anxiety into the conversation, she drops the good old “Well me and my boyfriend once….”

Ouch, sport. Looks like you misjudged that situation so bad that Hobby Lobby’s calling.

Well here at National Ave, we say enough is enough. Here are 12 fail-safe mechanisms developed after years of painstaking rejection, heartbreaking, and crushing disappointment research to ensure that you too can properly D.I.C.K. (Detect, Identify, Comprehend, and Kill) the prospect of inadvertently hitting on a woman who’s years deep in an intimate relationship.

  1. Stare into her eyes with a deep, penetrative mournfulness every time she uses phrases like “he,” “him,” “our,” “my,” “backpacking through Europe together,” “Geoff,” “boyfriend,” “Oh well my boyfriend Geoff,” “Hey Geoff, come over here, I’d like you to meet…”
  2. Rather than engage in conversation, silently scroll through Tinder. If she’s single, she’ll likely attempt to bring up a recent harrowing/humorous Tinder story. Do not respond to her. Keep scrolling through Tinder until you find her profile. This likely indicates that the woman in question is single. Swipe left. If she is visibly offended/expresses surprise/instantly walks away, she’s clearly too sensitive for a rugged man like yourself. If she stays, then clearly she has no idea how Tinder works and must be in a relationship.
  3. Take advantage of Facebook’s “Ask” button regarding her relationship status. Hey, somebody’s got to be the first person to use it seriously.
  4. Bring up a funny story involving an ex. If she brings up an ex too, then you know — wait, shit. That doesn’t determine anything.
  5. Tell her you’d love to grab dinner or drinks. Look through the calendar on your phone, then ask if she’s available on February 14th. If she says yes, the door is wide open. If she says something along the lines of “I don’t know, that’s nine months away,” just fucking play it cool, okay?
  6. Out of the blue, ask her what her boyfriend’s name is. If she answers with a real name, you know she’s got a boyfriend. If she says “I’m single,” gently comfort her with a “Really? You’re getting well into your 20s, shouldn’t you be trying to settle down?”
  7. If you’re at a karaoke bar, sign her up to sing “Someone Like You” by Adele. Analyze her emotions. If she seems especially emotional, she’s probably just been through a break-up. If she’s a terrible singer, make sure to let her know.
  8. Ask where she’s from. Respond with, “Oh, I heard they have really good boyfriends there.” Let her figure that one out on her own — she’ll probably end up giving you all the information you need.
  9. Politely ask the DJ to play “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. If the woman you’ve been talking to stands up on a table and does the entire dance with great fervor, she’s likely single. You probably aren’t interested in her anymore, but at least you’ll know her status.
  10. Mention your girlfriend a few times, as it will open her up to talk about her boyfriend. If she does talk about her boyfriend, then you know she’s not single. If she doesn’t, then say something like “Hey remember earlier when I said I had a girlfriend that was a lie I was just trying to see if you have a boyfriend and it seems like you don’t which is great do you want a vodka-cranberry.”
  11. Ask her to complete this phrase: “______ and ready to mingle.” As soon as she does, say, “Great. Me too.” Ignore anything said after this point.
  12. Express your romantic interest in her honestly and bluntly and then politely listen to her response. If she says she’s in a relationship, continue to engage her in conversation like a respectful adult. JK. That’s a dumb idea. Why would you talk to a woman who wasn’t interested in your penis? Are you a big loser boy, loser boy?