Why NFL Fans Should Be Excited about the Second Coming of Tebow
Tim Tebow, praise be his name, is (probably) returning to the NFL – and you should be excited about it, Tebowdamnit!
Now let me start by addressing the giant winged/crucified/reborn elephant in the room: I’m not a Jesus guy. Most “real” NFL fans are quick to dismiss Tebow fans as Christian zealots, but I am no such person. I have nothing against Jesus. I even fully believe in some of his teachings, like getting drunk instead of drinking water. However, I’m not rooting for Tebow as the symbol of the Second Coming of Christ – I’m just rooting for the Second Coming of Tebow.
Tim Tebow was, and could still be, the most exciting athlete in American sports. No, he definitely wasn’t talented. My grandma could throw a better spiral – and she’s been dead for years.1 And he wasn’t very smart either, unless you count “the ability to run forward and not read coverage” as a form of intelligence. However, Tebow was one thing: a motherfucking2 winner. In fact, it is this very lack of talent or intelligence that made him the most amazing athlete in the United States.
“Why limit this to the United States?” you ask, hypothetical reader. Because Tim Tebow played like a Tebowdamn American. Don’t believe me? Think about this: Tim Tebow shouldn’t have ever played in the NFL. Everybody3 said he would never see a single snap as an NFL quarterback. They said he needed to improve his throwing mechanics, and his footwork, and pretty much everything else. Tebow thought about this and then decided, “Fuck learning. Fuck improving myself. ME GET STRONGER.” Yes, instead of taking time to improve his many, many, many, many, MANY problem areas, Tebow decided to hit the gym more because NOBODY CAN BEAT A FUCKING MONSTER.4Then he took over the Broncos and, by Tebow, HE PLAYED LIKE A CHAMPION. Not a real champion, but an American champion. The kind of champion who ignores all instructions and reason and simply says, “That won’t matter if I can hit them harder.”
Tim Tebow is like that drunk guy in the bar who says he can beat up anyone there despite never having fought before EXCEPT HE WINS. He’s the woman who looks at shelf building instructions, tears them apart, and just starts hammering shit – BUT HE BUILDS THE SHELF. He is every single person who skipped class, missed an important call, or lost an important part and said, “Pft. I’m still going to fucking crush this.” THEN HE CRUSHED IT.5 He’s the American every person wants to be.
Beyond simply being an American hero, Tim Tebow is a great sports figure because he’s so polarizing – but for good reasons. When Tebowmania swept over the nation, the United States divided into two camps: 1. Tebowites, who wanted nothing more than to see the personification of a Samson-like monster truck win a Super Bowl and 2. Tebow Haters, who converted to Satanism the moment after the Broncos’ Tebow-inspired victory. Fights were waged in the name of the game’s “integrity.”6 It was a battle about football, instead one about whether a possible rapist should be allowed in the NFL (cc: Jameis Winston) or whether another possible rapist should remain in the NFL (cc: Ben Roethlisberger) or whether a known abuser should be allowed back in the NFL (cc: Ray Rice).7 Yes, Tim Tebow has some questionable beliefs about abortion (thanks to some amazingly personal reasons), and he also has a very peculiar hobby – but he’s not actively hurting people. He’s (primarily) polarizing for his terri-mazing football performances, and that’s great for the NFL and sports in general.
Above everything else, Tim Tebow is the perfect American sports hero: A controversial, complicated man who compensates for his flaws with unwavering ambition and brute strength. Tebow is someone who can literally inspire the faith millions with his heart and massive virgin penis. He’s a man who we can all simultaneously identify with and elevate above ourselves. Most NFL teams may not feel a need for Tebow, but we need Tebow. America needs Tebow.8
The Second Coming of Tebow may be upon us – and we should all be excited to see it happen.