Why Eating Out Alone Kicks Ass

February 17, 2015 / by / 1 Comment

Eating out alone is fucking great, and I don’t give a shit what you or any “licensed” therapist has to say about it.

If you’re here to judge, Judgey McJudgerson from Unrequested Opinionsville, you can find your way to the door. Can’t find the door? Maybe you’re in a jail FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE WITH BAD OPINIONS, DUMB DUMB. No matter your door and/or windowless jail situation, your anti-independence beliefs will not be tolerated here. You can feel free to voice them to all of your “friends” at dinner who will pretend to give a shit, but I’m not going to act like I care about your poor conceptions of the world or your thoughts on Avril Lavigne’s latest single.

Now that all of the haters have been dealt with, let’s get back to the important stuff – namely why eating alone is the third greatest thing a person can do on their own.1 Not sure eating out alone is right for you? Think of every Travel Channel or Food Network eating show you’ve ever seen. Have you ever once, ONCE, seen a show that included two hosts traveling and eating together? No. These people are professionals who have eaten thousands of meals with and without people, and every single one of them decided that eating with people is so much worse than eating alone that NONE OF THEM wanted to include partners on their shows. When they first walk into the restaurants, they talk to the chefs and consult with customers. Then, when it comes time to eat, they tell everyone to FUCK OFF AND LET THEM EAT.

Now maybe you don’t watch travel eating shows because you have “a life” and “self-respect.” For those of you in this category who need further convincing, here are four reasons why eating out alone is the best.

1. You Can Take As Much or As Little Time As You Want to Order

Fact: No group activity is as unnecessarily dramatic as ordering food with other people. Here’s how most group dining decisions play out:

“I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Well I think we all know what we really want.”

“Can we just wait a little longer? I need to think.”

“GODDAMNIT MAXINE, I’M GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH IF WE DON’T DECIDE NOW.”

If you watch people at a restaurant trying to order food, it looks like people contemplating whether to drop an atomic bomb rather than a bunch of assholes choosing between french fries or steak-cut french fries. You know there’s something wrong when it takes you approximately 500 times longer to choose an appetizer than it does to decide whether or not you want to have sex with someone on Tinder. I have damaged friendships in the process of ordering at TGI Friday’s. There are a lot of things that you should expect to damage at TGI Friday’s, your intestines, your liver, your self-worth, but friendships aren’t one of them.

Eating alone relieves all of this pressure. When you eat alone, you can order the second you walk in the door – or you can watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy while you choose between a personal pizza or a calzone.

Eating is awesome. Waiting to eat is not. Eating alone removes the least awesome part of going to a restaurant.

2. You’re Able to Eat Whatever the Hell You Want

Maybe you can eat out with a bunch of people and order five entrees and three desserts and not worry about the douches across the table staring at you like you’re the devil incarnate. Congratulations, you’re a superhero!

However, if you’re like most people, you spend approximately twenty minutes of every dining experience carefully considering which meal will make you look like you’re adventurous but not too crazy but also health-conscious but not “dieting” and maybe well-read but not an intellectual and also sexually active in an appropriate way. This process becomes even worse when you’re on a date, where the type of side you get with your chicken2 dictates whether or not you’re marriage material. Want to know who can judge your dining choices when you eat out alone? FUCKING NOBODY. Sure, those people sitting at the table across from you can look on appalled as your violate an entire pizookie on your own, but chances are you’ll never see them again, so fuck them.

Your food choices are YOUR CHOICES. However, it’s impossible to not feel like everyone around you is constantly judging those choices (I’m looking at you, Judgey McJudgerson. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you). That’s why you should eat alone and make sure the people who judge you are strangers who probably totally suck.3

3. No Splitting the Check

NO, WE ARE NOT SPLITTING THE CHECK EVENLY, YOU MONEY TERRORIST. YOU BOUGHT TWO MORE DRINKS THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND A DESSERT THAT NOBODY WANTED AND A FULL RACK OF RIBS FOR YOURSELF. I WILL SPLIT THE CHECK WITH YOU ONCE YOU SHOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE RIB BONES UP YOUR ASS AND THEN SHIT BACK OUT A FULL PIG.

Make sure you don’t have to deal with this bullshit, split the check with yourself.

4. You Can Eat Out Whenever You’d Like

The worst part about refusing to go out to dinner alone is being held at the mercy of others’ food whims. There is nothing worse than craving good food and having to convince people to get excited about something that will be awesome. Once you realize that you can and should go out to dinner alone, the world becomes your oyster bar. No more, “I think so” and “Maybe next week.” No. You see a good deal on sushi? WELCOME TO MY BELLY, NEMO.

Building the courage to eat alone makes the world a happier, more delicious place. So ditch your “loved ones” and all of your “friends” and open the doors to a tasty world of happy hour wings and impulse burgers.