What Your Favorite Font Says About You
Everyone is judging you all of the time. Whether it’s your hair, your shirt, or your emoji usage, people will read into everything little thing you do. Fonts are no exception.
A person’s favorite font can reveal a lot about them, from favorite television shows to penis/labia size.1 Here are what some of your font choices may say about you.
Who You Are: You’re either an asshole who thinks you’re way funnier than you actually are, or a 13-year-old boy.2 You know that comic sans is the fart joke of fonts – and that’s exactly why you’re still using it. One day you’ll realize that people actually don’t like you, but for now you’ll continue to stupidly think it’s one big joke.
Often Heard Saying: “C’mon. Just open the Snapchat. I promise it’s not what you think it is.”3
Most Likely To: Quote Anchorman 2
Favorite Food: Burger King’s Double Bacon Cheeseburger
Who You Are: The pseudo intellectual. You spent hours researching the qualities of serif and sans serif fonts just so you can act like a self-righteous dick in case anyone asks you which font you prefer.4 You like to use words like “aesthetic” and “panache” even when they have no goddamn relevance.
Often Heard Saying: “So I was listening to NPR last night…”
Most Likely To: Buy a shirt from Urban Outfitters and say it’s from a thrift shop.
Favorite Hobby: Pretending to meditate
Times New Roman
Who You Are: You. Are. A. NERD. Have you ever learned how to change your font defaults, nerd? Do you think your seventh grade English teacher is going to show up at your job and scold you again for using Arial? Stop wearing tighty whities and loosen up a little bit.
Often Heard Saying: “Siri, where is the closest Best Buy?”
Most Likely To: Let a document print with only one line on the final page instead of changing the margins.
Favorite Celebrity: Ian McKellan
Who You Are: Listen here you hipster son-of-a-bitch: Everybody knows you’re not using a typewriter. Using Courier New doesn’t trick a goddamn single person. You may get away with calling yourself “environmentally conscious” for being a disgusting bum who showers once every two weeks, but nobody believes that you spend your nights writing novellas on a typewriter with only the light of an oil lamp. You claim to lust for the “good old days” of “real writers” like Hemingway and Fitzgerald, but your iPhone 5s says otherwise.
Often Heard Saying: “You just gotta feel it, you know? Let it run through you!”
Most Likely To: Grow a mustache unironically.
Favorite Drink: Capri Sun and Ginger Ale
Who You Are: You are the Caesar Salad of people – the least exciting option available.5 You’re the child of a wet blanket, a flat tire, and Wonderbread. Sure, you never disappoint, but that’s because nobody ever expects anything out of you. You’ll probably floss your teeth immediately after you stop reading this.
Often Heard Saying: “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
Most Likely To: Spend weekends playing Words with Friends against the computer.
Favorite Sport: Bowling
Who You Are: You went to the first week of a graphic design class and never showed up again. You can’t quite remember which variation of Futura they said was best, so you just stuck with the standard version. You’ve never managed to keep a relationship for longer than a couple months, but you insist it’s all for the best because “things are really going to pick up creatively pretty soon.”
Often Heard Saying: “I’ve been getting really into that lately!”
Most Like To: Never finish making flyers for the band he/she never started.
Favorite Food: Trader Joe’s Microwave Burritos
Who You Are: You are a garbage person with garbage hobbies and you have never spent any time doing anything other than ruining people’s days. You don’t even use Windings on your own documents because you’ve never had to write a document in your entire life; you just go onto other people’s computers while they’re away because you’re seven years old and you don’t realize people know how to undo font changes. You are the human equivalent of the act of peeing in the pool.
Often Heard Saying: “Haha it wasn’t me!”
Most Likely To: Be the only one laughing at his/her own joke.
Favorite Celebrity: Flavor Flav