The Screw-Marry-Kill Guide to Classic Disney Movies
Disney characters are sexy.
There, I said it. We don’t need to argue about this. Just watch that scene in The Lion King where Simba and Nala exchange glances before going full Discovery Channel on one another and you’ll know what I’m saying.
Now while Disney movies are full of banging hotties like Nala, Simba, and Rafiki,1 they’re also loaded with great life partners and unbearable shitheads. With these three categories so prevalent across Disney films, it is our responsibility — our moral duty — to break down these classic animated films the only way we can: Screw-Marry-Kill.2
In order to maintain any semblance of structure within this noble venture, we’ll be focusing on pre-existing pairs and groups within these films. This means ignoring some central characters and honing in on the characters that spend extensive time together and therefore can be evaluated based on how they treat one another. Sure, you could look at Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and say you’d screw Snow White — but the real challenge is being forced to choose between the obviously kinky Grumpy and the methodical Doc.
Additionally, we’re going to limit the movies under consideration to ones released more than 20 years ago. I’d love to discuss why Olaf is the most fuckable character in Frozen, and I could write an entire dissertation on the hotness of Roxanne (A Goofy Movie), but you don’t want to read 4,000 words of Screw-Marry-Kill analysis and I don’t want to write them, so I’m really doing everyone a favor here.
With these ground rules set, it’s time to embark on our quest.
The Candidates: Bambi, Thumper, Flower
Screw: Thumper — Thumper is the best character in Bambi, hands down, but he’s just not marriage material. He’s super excitable and way too sure of himself in situations about which he knows nothing. Thumper is that guy who “builds” an entire Ikea desk without even looking at the instructions and then just laughs when it collapses the second you put anything on it. That being said, Thumper would probably be a pretty decent lay. He’s a rabbit, a species notorious for its boneability, and he would probably make jokes in the middle of it — a terribly underrated part of sex.3
Marry: Flower — Flower loves eating and hanging out, the only two things you can expect from a good partner in marriage. Flower is so calm and friendly that he doesn’t even correct Bambi when he decides to call him “Flower,” like an asshole, just because he was sleeping in a patch of flowers. Flower is the type of dude who would be cool with spending the whole day eating Ritz crackers and watching House of Cards until you both pass out on the couch. If that’s not marriage material, I don’t know what is.
Kill: Bambi — Sorry Bambi, but it looks like you’re going to have to go the way of your mother in this one. There’s nothing glaringly wrong with Bambi, he’s just not very interesting or endearing. Throughout the entire film, Bambi is either wallowing in sadness (We get it, your mom died. MOVE ON ALREADY) or fighting the urge to become interested in romance because he’s presumably doing just fine hoofing the chicken. Plus, Bambi seemingly impregnates Faline moments after the entire forest is burned down,4 which is weird at best and completely sadistic at worst.
The Candidates: Bibbidi, Bobbidi, Boo5
Screw: Bobbidi — Pickings are slim this round, but Bobbidi is definitely the hottest word in Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo. While the long O sound is the traditionally sexy vowel sound, the short O sound is a close second. Plus, the O in Bobbidi makes it the word with the most curvy letters, which means it’s obviously the hottest.
Kill: Boo — BOOOOOOO! Boo Boo! NOBODY LIKES YOU, BOO!9
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
The Candidates: Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore
Screw: Pooh — Get your little giggles out, you children. Yes, that reads “Screw Pooh” which is one letter away from “Screw Poo.” Are we done now? Perfect. Pooh is definitely the character you have to screw. His number one priority is making sure everyone is happy and satisfied with life. If you don’t think that matters in sex, you need to have more bad sex. Plus, Pooh is adorably chubby, which is kind of hot in a way — right? I’m normal, everyone. These are perfectly normal thoughts.
Marry: Eeyore — Here’s a little known fact: One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” is actually about Eeyore and his unwavering self-doubt. Eeyore is undeniably the most endearing of Winnie the Pooh’s characters. What makes him so great is that he is so undeniably human: he’s pessimistic, he’s full of worry, and he just wants to be loved. When it comes down to it, you don’t want to marry someone who thinks life is all rainbows (Pooh) or someone who thinks he’s the most important person in the world (Tigger), you just want someone who can deal with the day-to-day bullshit of life without totally panicking. That’s Eeyore to a tee.
Kill: Tigger — Listen guys, I love Tigger, but someone has to die here. Tigger’s biggest fault isn’t even his own doing, it’s a problem set up by that asshole Christopher Robin:10 Tigger’s entire race is called Tiggers,11 and that results in him constantly speaking in weird pseudo-first person rhetoric that is more annoying than endearing. Plus, he just has too much energy. Tigger would definitely want to go for a run after sex or make sure you’re up for breakfast every morning, and I’m just not up for that.
Beauty and the Beast
The Candidates: Lumière, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts
Screw: Mrs. Potts — Look at those curves, that spout. Are you going to say no to that? I’m not.12
Marry: Lumière — For a candlestick, Lumière is an impressively well-rounded individual. He’s funny, rebellious, and kind-hearted. He’s so great that Beast continually goes to him, not the shitmonster of a yes-man Cogsworth, for advice, despite his propensity for rebellion and burning his friend’s ass with his head. Lumière would support you when you’re making good choices, and he’d torch you when you’re not. That’s the foundation for some strong relationship give-and-take.
Kill: Cogsworth — Cogsworth is a dick. He blindly obeys the deranged Beast with no regard for his fellow talking household appliances. Furthermore, he’s got a pretty stupid human face. Honestly, look up his human face (kindly linked here). Doesn’t it just piss you off?
The Lion King
The Candidates: Timon, Pumba, Simba
Screw: Simba — I don’t care if you’re a straight man, a lesbian woman, or a pansexual tree sent from the future to warn the world of the coming apocalypse, Simba is just attractive. He’s got a killer mane and has some pretty strong genes from his dad Mufasa and the cougar (well technically, lioness) Sarabi. Plus, if he’s good enough to sleep with Nala — the second hottest animated animal in the history of film13 — he’s got to have something working for him.
Marry: Pumba — Pumba is the quintessential sitcom dad – fat, dumb, and loveable. He’s pretty incompetent when it comes to doing anything for himself, but he’s strong and always willing to help. Also, he’s spent years dealing with a dictatorial little rodent for a leader, so he would probably be more than willing to take directions from anyone else.
Kill: Timon — This one is too easy. Timon is not only overwhelmingly annoying as a character, but he also sounds like what I imagine Gilbert Gottfried would sound like if he ever went through puberty.14 Timon’s only redeeming quality is that he’s friends with Pumba, who’s simply too nice and generous to leave that horrible rodent.