The Pursuit of The Man Bun: The Bungiving

January 22, 2015 / by / 1 Comment

I am not a hero. Despite whatever you may think while hearing the tales of my noble pursuit, you must remember I am just a simple man with simple dreams.

As a recent college graduate in a new city, I found myself aimless, wandering from Grantland posts to job posts and back with apathy. My life felt empty, directionless. I needed a goal to aspire to. Fortunately, my spiritual advisor, Buzzfeed, directed me towards one of the world’s most noble pursuits: The Man Bun.

For centuries, the tradition of the Man Bun has been passed down from generation to generation – from aspiring model-athletes to aspiring model-actors to aspiring model-photographers. The Man Bun has been a symbol of valor, of dignity, and of great fucking hair for as long as man has been able to wrap twine around his hair. Aching for a purpose in life, I chose to make The Man Bun a dream to aspire to. However, I am but a man of average means and average, albeit thick,1 hair.  I knew I was taking on a potentially Sisyphean task.

The first week was trying. Thinking I must first clean up my already disheveled hair before pursuing the immaculate Man Bun, I went to a local Sport Clips in the hope that they would get me Man Bun ready. It was a near fatal error. After 30 minutes of unnecessary clipping and trimming, the hairdresser stood over my mowed-down mane and said, “All finished,” looking like George Bush on the USS Abraham Lincoln; she thought she was done, but it was clear the situation was fucked.

I thought to quit. I am no great man like the heroic Olympian David Beckham or Day After Tomorrow leading man like Jake Gyllenhaal.2 I am merely an average man taking on the most significant pursuit society has to offer. Despite my reservations though, I trudged forward, finding myself stronger and hairier by the day.

I am now three weeks into my quest, and I have to say this pursuit has changed my entire world. It’s like finding God, except instead of unconditional love and salvation, I wake up feeling, you know, more hair on my head. I’d almost say it’s better. And while this quest is physically and emotionally taxing, I know it will eventually be my life’s greatest accomplishment.3

The end is nowhere in sight, but it will be soon enough. For now, I will relish where I am: The start, the commencement, the Bungiving.