The Honest Entry-Level Cover Letter

July 31, 2014 / by / 22 Comments

Dear HR Assistant,

I would like to express my interest in an entry-level position with your company, whose name I am currently checking my browser to remember. Throughout my time Googling job openings in this city, I happened upon this company’s page and noticed you have several open positions that could provide me with money.  I have read the company’s mission statement and am capable of parroting its buzzwords back to you or anyone else to demonstrate my apparent belief in them. I would like to be considered for the position whose qualifications best fit the skillset I’m going to lie about possessing, or any other position that could give me enough money to afford HBOGo.

In the job listing, you state that you are looking for someone with integrity, enthusiasm, and critical thinking abilities. I am definitely able to pretend to have those characteristics until it becomes easier to keep me around than go through the hassle of firing me. Further, I spent two-months fetching coffee and taking Buzzfeed quizzes as an intern at a company that refused me a full-time job. My time interning at that company taught me that dogs drink water using the back of their tongues and also provided me with several lines that I could add to my résumé so employers like yourself wouldn’t know I have no discernible skills or redeeming qualities.

Additionally, I recently graduated from my $60,000 per year day camp. During my four years as a student, I drank heavily and engaged in activities that would get me expelled from the church my parents still force me to attend during major holidays. I made sure to do just enough work to maintain a GPA good enough to slightly surpass the minimum requirements set by the vast majority of companies. I also learned the word “synergy” at some point, which is probably valuable to you.

I am not entirely sure that my minimal experience and education have supplied me with sufficient knowledge or skills to be a decent employee, but I am confident in my ability to bullshit my way through my responsibilities until I can also list this position on my résumé. I’m not a complete asshole, so I’m sure that I’ll be able to get along with enough of my coworkers that my glaring lack of business savvy or technical skills will be overlooked.

I will be available to talk about the position any time as long as the phone call doesn’t interfere with my upcoming Tinder date or 30 Rock marathon. I appreciate you taking the time to consider giving me money and I’ll say horrible things about you and your company if you don’t offer me an interview.

Desperately,

Minimally Qualified Applicant