Stupid Overpriced Shit: Urban Outfitters Edition
In Stupid Overpriced Shit, National Ave explores the worlds of fashion, technology, and more to illuminate all of the truly awful shit companies make money selling. In Stupid Overpriced Shit’s inaugural article, resident former Gym Class Heroes fan Chandler Dutton dives headfirst into the shitpile that is Urban Outfitters.
Urban Outfitters is the glory hole of overpriced retail stores. It gives you the same end result of any other irrational expensive clothing store,1 but it makes you feel dirty and borderline inhuman for even stooping to such an option.2 However, despite its reputation as “That one store you went to in college when you were on your self-loathing binge,” Urban Outfitters still makes a fuckton of money.
How does Urban Outfitters make so much goddamn money, you ask? It’s honestly sort of a mystery. Between its “vintage” faux-bloodstained Kent State sweaters and propensity for blatantly offending every single group of people imaginable like it was Don Sterling at the Million Man March, you’d think investors would’ve dragged this shitsack of a store behind the shed and Old Yeller-ed it like responsible caretakers.3 Since this glorious day has yet to come, Urban Outfitters has continued to shill reproductions of thrift store clothing to WASP-y shitsippers who pretend to listen to Macklemore ironically because they know he sucks but don’t have good enough taste to discover other rappers.
While Urban Outfitters could be burned at the stake for the garbage they’ve sold in the past, we’re not ones to judge exclusively based on peoples’ pasts.4 So to demonstrate that Urban Outfitters is still the taint of the hipster fashion world,5 we’ve pulled five of the most ridiculous/ugly/overpriced shit creations from Urban Outfitters’ current line. Here is the worst overpriced shit currently being sold at Urban Outfitters:
This is the t-shirt equivalent of that tattoo the worst person in your high school got during his ridiculous on-again, off-again relationship. Totally ignoring the obvious choice to not capitalize the “I” because bad grammar is fucking cool, man — this t-shirt screams, “I’m a bad boyfriend but I’m self-important enough to think I deserve sympathy for being a shithead.” If Cute Is What We Aim For and Drake had a baby, and that baby grew up to be an adult that jacked off in the mirror – that jizz would spell out the words on this shirt. AND IT’S 34 FUCKING DOLLARS. Here’s a quick list of things you could do for $34:
- Buy 5 Chipotle burritos
- Get drunk on two cases of PBR
- Buy a Greyhound bus ticket to Urban Outfitters’ headquarters and pee on the person who green lit this shirt.
If you’re going to sell something called “Moon Juice” for 65 dollars, it better be a) Juice pulled from the goddamn moon or b) Full of enough drugs for me to believe it is. Moon Juice Beauty Dust is neither. Instead, this “magical formula” is apparently “an ancient empiric formula that calms the nerves, increases collagen and silica production and tones and firms tissue…” or in layman’s terms — it’s a bunch of bullshit to sell to the type of people who get frustrated that the music at Coachella is too loud to hear their friends read Kylie Jenner’s Instagram feed.
There’s nothing blatantly stupid or offensive about this actual shirt. Sure, it’s a stupid fucking imitation of tourist fashion,6 but that sort of dumb shit is what America was founded upon: appropriating other cultures for ourselves then mass producing that appropriation to the point of self-parody. The real problem is that this shirt cost 64 DOLLARS. There’s no decimal there. It’s not 6.40 dollars. It’s not 0.64 dollars. SIXTY-FOUR DOLLARS. I’m pretty sure the United States bought Hawaii for less money than that. For sixty-four dollars, I will make you 10 of these same exact shirts and then give back your remaining 50 dollars to buy a “Better Decision-Making for Dummies” book.
Things You Haven’t Done if You Own This Tank Top:
- Attended a Jimi Hendrix Concert
- Been Alive Before 1990
- Made an insightful comment about music, movies, television, politics, or anything of moderate value
Things You Have Done if You Own This Tank Top:
- Ruined someone’s day by walking into a room
This adorable little machine epitomizes everything wrong with Urban Outfitters:7 It’s a cheap (but super fucking expensive) attempt to elicit nostalgia for a time that its customers NEVER FUCKING EXPERIENCED. I’m sorry super cool 17-year-old who posts nothing but “Polaroid photos” (created on your iPhone), but you never owned a Polaroid camera. You’ve never driven a VW van across the country. And your favorite band as a kid was N*Sync, not The Kinks. It’s great that you appreciate the culture of the past, but YOU DON’T NEED TO FUCKING LIVE IT. Appreciate that your dick/vagina/whatever pics can be shot on a higher resolution camera ON YOUR PHONE than Alfred Hitchcock ever had. Stop buying Saved by the Bell graphic t-shirts, quit hanging Bob Marley posters on your walls, and — for God sakes – STOP SHOPPING AT URBAN OUTFITTERS.