I Only Ate Gluten-Free Food for a Week, and Now I’m Ellen DeGeneres

April 08, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

I don’t buy into fad diets. When the gluten-free trend began, I didn’t understand why people without celiac disease all of a sudden quit eating gluten. However, I heard stories claiming it “changed peoples’ lives” and “transformed them into entirely new people.” I had recently hit a slump in my life, so I decided to try the gluten-free lifestyle. It changed me. Forever.

After a week of going gluten-free, my life was forever altered: I became Ellen DeGeneres.

The diet started like any other. I dove head-on into my challenge and expected immediate results. However, I soon became frustrated as I came to realize all of my favorite foods were full of gluten. My morning bagel was now off-limits, and an occasional donut was unthinkable. By the end of the second day, I got downright angry without my daily bread fix.

However, I began to settle into a routine by day four. I was eating healthier, replacing enriched grains with vegetables and gluten-free snacks. My new lifestyle invigorated me, and I began believing the hype. I felt healthier, happier, and livelier. I even started dancing from place to place, something I originally considered a simple side effect of my newfound pep. I never saw the transformation coming.

By day six, my life took a shocking turn. When I woke up in the morning, fully prepared to dig into a bowl of quinoa and stevia, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror – except I didn’t look like me. My hair had become a bright blonde bob, and I had developed breasts. I was terrified. However, I had no reason to believe the diet was to blame, so I continued onward.

Fueled by kale and goat cheese, my entire personality transformed. I started making family-friendly quips, and I felt an overwhelming desire to give away kitchenette sets. I knew something was wrong, but I also noticed that I was getting more attention from women. A romantic failure, I couldn’t help but enjoy the newfound attention. By the end of the day, random middle-aged women would just approach me in the street and tell me I changed their lives. I was perplexed, but proud – even though I had no recollection of any of these women.

It all became clear when I woke up the next morning. I sprang out of bed and immediately knew something drastic had occurred. I felt lighter, happier, and – in a way – more important. My traditional grogginess and morning wood had been replaced by a shining effervesce and smooth skin. I rushed over to the mirror and saw a familiar face – but it wasn’t my own.

I had become Ellen DeGeneres.

I immediately called my boss to request the day off. When I spoke up, she gasped, “Oh my God! Is this Ellen?!?” I hung up and ran for the door. I sped to the doctor’s office, but nobody bothered to help me; instead, they all lined up to take selfies. I returned home, hoping to hide away until something changed. However, I couldn’t hide from what came next.

When I flipped on the television, I saw that the regularly scheduled episode of Ellen was cancelled for the afternoon. Further, countless news stations reported the disappearance of the beloved Ellen, who had apparently gone missing since the previous night. Some newscasters reported stories of Ellen walking into and then abruptly fleeing a doctor’s office – my doctor’s office. It was that moment that it hit me: I hadn’t just become Ellen DeGeneres copy. I had replaced her entirely.

It’s been two weeks since that fateful day, and I have since been shepherded into the life of Ellen. I host the show, I live with Portia de Rossi, and I can’t stop dancing. It all comes naturally to me, but I know it’s not who I am – it’s the gluten-free diet.

I have yet to try gluten since originally quitting. I’m mortified of the potential results. Will I die? Will Ellen DeGeneres no longer exist? Will people accuse me of murdering Ellen if I transform back to my true self? I’m not prepared to know the answer to these questions.

Sure, I wonder what happened to the original Ellen. Every day, I question whether Ellen DeGeneres ever truly existed, or if she has merely been the incarnation of generations of gluten-free eaters. And I know the day will come when another non-celiac takes on the gluten-free lifestyle and becomes the new Ellen. I don’t know when that will be, or where I will go – but I’ll be sure to eat a whole loaf of Wonderbread if given the chance to return to my own body.

For now though, I will continue to be Ellen – vibrant, inspiring, and gluten-free.