7 Reasons Why Los Angeles Is a Shitty Garbage City

May 30, 2015 / by / 5 Comments

Los Angeles is the taint of the United States: It’s hot, it smells funny, and the only people into it are real freaks. Here’s why Los Angeles is a shitty garbage city:

Flaking Is a City Pastime

Do you like keeping plans? Do you want to live in Los Angeles? Well choose one, motherfucker, because you’re never going to get both. People in Los Angeles spend more time finding ways to flake on plans than they do actually doing anything. Whether they’re following Kim Kardashian’s brother’s dog’s cousin’s nanny down La Brea or auditioning for the same improv group seven times in different wigs to prove that they’re “quirky,” true Los Angelenos will find a reason to never keep their plans.

It’s Not Even a Real City

New York has the Five Boroughs. Chicago has a bunch of distinct neighborhoods. Los Angeles has…88 different cities.

Yep, the Los Angeles you picture isn’t actually the city of Los Angeles, but rather Los Angeles County. In fact, many of the places that define “The City of Angels” aren’t even under the jurisdiction of the city. Santa Monica? Its own city. Beverly Hills? Its own city. Even West Hollywood, which is so fucking close to Hollywood (which is within Los Angeles city limits) that its name IS FUCKING DEFINED BY ITS PROXIMITY TO HOLLYWOOD, is its own city.

Further, this geographic clusterfuck guarantees that all of the Los Angeles County residents get royally screwed when dealing with law enforcement or regulations, since nobody knows which city they’re in half the time. It also guarantees all public works programs get shut down like any NBC sitcom, since rampant corruption has all but assured that lawmakers refuse to cooperate with outside municipalities.

Everyone Is an Aspiring Something

Want to hear five minutes of droning bullshit? Ask people in Los Angeles what they do. 99% of people will give you some convoluted answer about their dreams and “works in progress” and “things on the burner.” Guess what they won’t do? Say what they fucking do.

Everybody in Los Angeles wants to be something – it just so happens that they’re never doing that thing. Don’t get me wrong, having goals and dreams is fine – even good sometimes. However, being so attached to those goals and dreams that you’re unwilling to talk about your actual job is probably definitely not a good thing annoying as shit. If someone asked you what you ate yesterday, you’re not going to tell them about the meal you hope to have in a few weeks. The same goes for your job. Either say what you’re doing with your life or admit that you’re doing fucking nothing you stupid aspiring model/actor/singer/fashion mogul/NBA player.

It’s the City That Always Sleeps

Los Angeles is the retirement community of big cities. Everything closes at ten. Even the bars are all closed by two A.M., which every other city in the world calls “the time you actually leave to go out.”

Everybody Brags about the Beach – But Nobody Goes

Ask ten people why they love Los Angeles. Most likely, at least eight of the answers your get will involve the beach. Now, ask those same ten people when they last went to the beach. The answers will fall somewhere between “Well…I’ve just been so busy…” and “I’m really hoping to get around to it this weekend.” For all the dickswinging about the California sun and the beautiful blue Pacific Ocean,1 astoundingly few people spend more than a day a month anywhere near the beach.

LA Identity Is Non-Existent

Here’s a brief list of the types of people you’ll meet in Los Angeles:

  1. Hippie Asshole
  2. Hipster Asshole
  3. Beach Bum Asshole
  4. Beach Bro Asshole
  5. Industry Douche Asshole
  6. Valley Girl Asshole
  7. Advertising Asshole
  8. “Venice is the new Silicon Valley”2 Asshole
  9. Aspiring Actor Asshole

See a trend there? Of course you do; they’re all assholes. But they’re all in Los Angeles, so that doesn’t count. Beyond that though, they have nothing that brings them together.

Even New York, which is full of dicks from all walks of life, has a uniform identity beyond dickishness: A love of New York and a hunger to get shit done. People in Los Angeles hardly even care that they’re in Los Angeles. They just want to find their big break (i.e. Get on Are You the One? Season 3) then parade themselves around like the show dogs they are. Like its government structure, the Los Angeles identity is just a clusterfuck of people forced to live near each other because of their desire to drain the world of its intelligence and resources.

The Actual City Is Fucking Ugly

Search #LosAngeles on Instagram. If you can bare the billions of ridiculous, infuriating selfies, you’ll notice an interesting trend: there are almost no pictures of downtown Los Angeles. Wondering why? Here’s a hint: It’s fucking ugly. Behind all of the beaches (not in Los Angeles), beautiful hikes (outside of Los Angeles), and sideboob pictures (…), Los Angeles is just an ugly, poorly organized city with horrible infrastructure. It looks terrible, it smells like a 24-Hour Fitness after Seniors Zumba, and it wrecks your soul.

If you have reasonable goals in life, cross Los Angeles off your list of possible homes. You won’t regret it – it’s a shitty garbage city.