Roger Goodell is dumb. Do not forget that.

Never Forget That Roger Goodell Is a Dumb Human

September 07, 2016 / by / 1 Comment

It has been a relatively quiet off-season for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, in the sense that this summer he failed to make a public spectacle of his own nincompoopery by, say, convening a kangaroo court to suspend one of the league’s most visible stars for a scientifically implausible equipment modification, or by convening that same kangaroo court to investigate something that’s actually bad but repeatedly tripping over his own dick in the process.

When the bar is this low, it is easy to speculate that Señor Commissioner and Lord of the Office Pizzas may actually be getting better at his job and growing into something of a functional executive. “Hey!” you may proclaim to your friends and colleagues, “The Ginger Hammer did not cause any easily-avoidable national scandals this year. Maybe he’s edging on competence.”

Well, let his remarks at the Erev Regular Season put the kibosh on that train of thought once and for all.

Now, you already know what topic Rog made a senseless comment on. It’s inherently obvious. It’s the thing that pundits, commentators, and hot-takers have been mindlessly babbling about for weeks.

So you know what? I’m not even gonna tell you. I’m just gonna copy-paste the quotation in chunks, and get in my sweet, sweet analysis on the fly.

“I support our players when they want to see change in society, and we don’t live in a perfect society. We live in an imperfect society. On the other hand, we believe very strongly in patriotism in the NFL….”

What an inane fucking thing to say. “We believe very strongly in patriotism in the NFL,” begs the question “As opposed to who?” Those other Commie sports leagues? With their low pants, players staging public protests at the ESPYs, and lack of lasting brain damage for their employees? No, only the NFL represents Real America. The NFL and the NFL alone.

“…I personally believe very strongly in that. I think it’s important to have respect for our country, for our flag, for the people who make our country better; for law enforcement, and for our military who are out fighting for our freedoms and our ideals.”

Kaep addressed this! He literally said he had respect for the military and our freedoms and ideals, and that’s why he’s staging this protest in the first place! He wants the homeland to uphold these notions! Fucking dammit.

“These are all important things for us, and that moment is a very important moment. So, I don’t necessarily agree with what he is doing. We encourage our players to be respectful in that time and I like to think of it as a moment where we can unite as a country. And that’s what we need more, and that’s what I think football does – it unites our country. So I would like to see us focusing on our similarities and trying to bring people together.”

Yes, because “unity” definitely means black players being cool with white fans who are totally chill with them being indiscriminately murdered by the law. Got it.

“Players have a platform, and it’s his right to do that. We encourage them to be respectful and it’s important for them to do that. I think it’s important if they see things they want to change in society, and clearly we have things that can get better in society, and we should get better. But we have to choose respectful ways of doing that so that we can achieve the outcomes we ultimately want and do it with the values and ideals that make our country great.”

Insert gif of me banging my cranium into a concrete wall.

To be completely honest, I can’t tell if Roger is being intentionally obtuse here, or just incidentally obtuse.

Neither are good looks. Either he’s trying to appeal to the people in the cheap seats, the uncomplicated thinkers that football fandom often gets associated with, the butt-chugging, Confederate-flag-waving, Make-Foobaw-Great-Again cretins that liberal-minded football fans frequently feel the need to answer for when they get a side-eye from the douche in the Jill Stein shirt for checking their ESPN alerts at the improv show. Or he actually hasn’t been paying attention to the scandal at all. Either he thinks “protecting the shield” means appealing to the base instincts of those who say the NFL has gotten too soft for no longer allowing one 300 pound man to deliberately sever the spine of another 300 pound man on national television, or Roger Goodell has those base instincts himself.

I get a sports league’s desire to stay “neutral”. Yes, sports should unite us. But there aren’t always two sides to every issue. There are complications, sure, but there aren’t always two equally reasonable arguable sides.

Colin Kaepernick has been very clear on what this protest is and what isn’t, and Roger Goodell is choosing to stick his fingers in his ears and parrot Ted Cruz’s talking points. In his quest to alienate nobody, he proves himself to be a bigger and more obsequious dunce.

As the 2016 season of the National Football League dawns upon us, let us remember that it is run by perhaps the single worst sports commissioner of all time. Let us remember that it is run by a man devoid of critical thought or nuance or common sense. Let us remember that it is run by an unfathomable imbecile who has cause perhaps irreparable harm to the league he has devoted his entire life to.

Roger Goodell is dumb. Don’t let him fool you. He is dumb and will continue to be dumb until the end of days. He is the worst of all possible representatives of this sport you and I hold so dear, and the sooner we can be rid of him the better.


  • downtown21

    Roger Goodell is proof that the world is run by C students.