Bachelor in Paradise, Season 2 Episode 10 Recap

September 01, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

Last night on Bachelor in Paradise, we saw a new first: people actually eating food on a date. However, that first pales in awkwardness to the profoundly uncomfortable first that’s about to go down. But more on that later.

Speaking of awkward, Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish. “I don’t want a man to pee on it,” Juelia insists when Tenley suggests that one of the guys would have better aim. She doesn’t even consult the paramedics, instead forcing Tenley into the bathroom and coercing her into, um, handling it.

Somehow, getting urinated on is one of the least degrading things to happen to somebody on Bachelor in Paradise.

Somehow, getting urinated on is one of the least degrading things to happen to somebody on Bachelor in Paradise.

Much to Carly’s delight, Chelsie takes Dan aside to get to know him better. The rest of the house is equally thrilled: this means Samantha might go home if Dan and Chelsie hit it off. But instead, Chelsie asks Nick out on her date.

Fortunately, a few of the couples in the house feel stable in their relationships. Tenley sings her praises about Joshua, and Carly is relieved to have found Kirk. “I never thought I was going to be the girl who didn’t have to worry,” Carly says of her solid relationship with Kirk, which means she’s about to get a reason to worry. And who arrives but McKenzie from Farmer Chris’s season.

But lucky for Carly, McKenzie is interested in Jared instead, though Ashley I makes sure to put a stop to that quickly. She suggests Justin, who is also a single parent and will be able to relate to her on this subject. Honestly, this is the only salient piece of advice Ashley I has ever given, and I see that it’s only in moments of sheer desperation that she starts to be, I don’t know, logical.

Meanwhile, Chelsie and Nick go out on a yacht together. “We’re having our Titanic moment,” says Chelsie, who isn’t wrong but has definitely never seen the end of Titanic. And not soon after the ship metaphorically sinks, with Nick admitting to Chelsie that he’s still into Samantha.

Back at the house, McKenzie is underwhelmed by her options: Justin or Dan. But — and I never thought I’d write this sentence — Ashley I is right. Justin is the one for McKenzie, as the two bond over having children. “His name’s Kale,” McKenzie says of her son. To her credit, Kale is a Hawaiian name. But before I can even make that leap and try to defend her here, she clarifies: “like the vegetable.” So, she asks Justin on the date.

“Nobody else is coming into paradise that I know of,” Tenley says, which means someone is definitely about to arrive.

Meet Jaclyn. She's here to steal your boyfriends, disturb the peace and maybe actually make this show interesting.

Meet Jaclyn. She’s here to steal your boyfriends, disturb the peace and maybe actually make this show interesting.

“There’s a new girl in paradise and this one may be a bit of a handful,” says Ashley I, who is about two hundred hands full.

Later, McKenzie and Justin head off on their date. She attributes her chemistry with him to the fact that the two have kids. Which, when you consider that people on this show are dating because of hand-size, is actually a really, really good reason. So I’m about to get on board with these two when they find an altar with rope, candles, a conch shell and other objects. Justin suggests it’s S&M, McKenzie suggests it might be voodoo and that she might get sacrificed tonight, and I’m here to suggest that we just call this show White People Barely Trying. A man approaches and performs a ceremony on them.

“Congratulations,” says the man in Spanish when he is finished.

“How are you?” replies McKenzie in Spanish: a white person barely trying.

Then, the man tells the two that they’re married. Although this was clearly not legitimate, McKenzie returns to the house and tells the rest of the contestants that she is married in Mexico.

"We're like Mexican citizens married," McKenzie says, a white person not trying at all at this point.

“We’re like Mexican citizens married,” McKenzie says, a white person not trying at all at this point.

“They may as well call this show Kaitlyn’s rejects,” Jaclyn tells a producer as she weighs her options for her date. And while other women coming in late in the game have been intimidated by the pre-existing relationships, Jaclyn thinks it’s an advantage as all the people are probably tired of each other by now. If they aren’t, I certainly am.

Jaclyn has set her sights on Jared, which worries not just Ashley I, but Tanner as well. “Jaclyn has kind of a black widow feel,” he confides in a producer, “like she’ll rip your head off after sex.” This is the second time this week that Tanner has expressed that he’s worried a woman will rip his head off after sex, and I feel like this isn’t even him being just a plain old misogynist anymore but him actually having some deep-seated fear of being decapitated in his weakened, post-coital state.

Everything okay, buddy?

Everything okay, buddy?

“I’m not going to let her take Jared away from me,” Ashley I insists, and she goes to Chris Harrison to request a fantasy suite with Jared. That’s right. Ashely I, who is essentially governed by Cosmo sex tips, decides that the only way to keep Jared is to lose her virginity to him. (So please forget what I said about Ashley I becoming logical in moments of desperation.) Of course, Aspiring Pimp Chris Harrison sees no issue with this.

Just as Jaclyn is about to ask Jared on a date, Ashley I swoops in with her own date card. Jared accepts and Jaclyn is outraged. “No guy his age wants to take somebody’s virginity still,” she says. AND YO. I’M SORRY. PAUSE.

This is your recapper taking off her recapper hat to set the record straight and talk about how absolutely ridiculous and harmful this is. It’s about as harmful as when other female contestants told Ashley I during The Bachelor that she was lucky for being a virgin because men like that. It’s no surprise that this show has really messed up attitudes when it comes to virginity, but it’s incredibly disappointing. Besides that fact that virginity is an otherwise heterosexist and antiquated notion, it’s the ultimate catch-22. You’re expected to be both experienced and inexperienced, both virginal and capable. No matter what, you can’t win.

So here’s the thing: a real, upstanding individual won’t care if you’re a virgin or not. Or, at least, they’ll care about it on the terms that you do. If it means something to you, they should respect that, even if it might not mean all that much to them. And if it means nothing to you, they shouldn’t shame you for it. And vice versa.

I’m stepping off my socially-responsible soapbox now to tell you that Ashley I washed her hair extensions in the ocean and combed them with a fork. You can absolutely ridicule her for that without being problematic because there’s definitely a sink in the house that she could’ve used.

Everyone on this show is a cartoon character.

Up next week, Bachelor in Paradise reaches its two-day finale. There’s tons of tears, a few breakups, and at least one proposal. Because what better way to spend Labor Day weekend than on this piece of work?

Ashley I Tear Tally: None for tonight, unless you count the ones I cried on her behalf.