Are You the One? Season 3 Episode 8 Recap

November 17, 2015 / by , / 1 Comment

Here’s a confession for you: I don’t know how to start this week’s recap. See, I like to make sure that the introduction to each recap reads at least slightly differently than the week before, but this season makes that almost impossible. This week begins with a dejected house bemoaning the fact that they only got three beams. The same as the week before. And the week before that. And… well, you get the point. In Hannah’s words, “we really suck at this game.”

There are some bastions of positivity though. Hunter is quick to remind the house that they’ve made progress, only to immediately be undercut by Austin pointing out, “we really haven’t made that much progress though.” After dismissing the cold logic of Austin’s statement, Hunter continues to insist that they’re going to be fine.

If you aren’t suffering from déjà vu yet, just wait — because the next section of the episode deals with relationship problems between Devin and Kiki. However, it is a nice change of pace because this time Kiki is the one who is pissed at Devin. Because he’s a manipulative fuck that openly campaigns for her destruction behind her back? No. It’s because he’s bad at sex.

I’m not sure if this comes as a surprise to Devin, or whether it’s something that he tries to overcompensate for, but he opens the whole sequence with a soundbite where he declares, “I’m a sexual being because I’m a human being.” We then see him crawling into bed with Kiki and, ooh, that is getting steeeamy. Then it cuts to the aftermath of their cavorting session and Kiki is less than pleased. She wants to do it again because she “wasn’t even close.” Devin tells her that he’s “still learning” and tries to go to sleep, a time-honored maneuver used by men across the globe.

Kiki deals with this in the best way possible: Venting to the rest of the house about how Devin sucks in bed. Normally I would say this is the worse way to deal with this situation, but it’s Devin we’re talking about so I think Kiki’s approach could only be improved if she hit him in the balls with a golf club. Her chosen confidants are Mike and Stacey, who seem totally on-board with the idea that Devin doesn’t know how to operate a penis. Mike in particular shines here, going into “dish girl” mode with the same ferocity as a seventh grade queen bee. Kiki notes that Devin must be the problem because she knows what she’s doing and is a “champion.”

Challenge Time

This week’s challenge is great, because it’s an ex challenge. Four of the girl’s exes are out in Hawaii, so they each come out and talk a little about their ex. The guy’s job is to figure out which girl goes to each ex, grab a life preserver with the right girl’s name on it, and then throw the life preserver so it hangs from a pole.

The first ex is Britni’s. He’s an older, buff southern guy who reveals that his ex “is obsessed with attention from other dudes.” As he says this, we get a delightful flash of Britni in the secure girl’s location, rattling the following phrase off at auctioneer speed: “You little stupid insecure fucker, that’s why I broke up with your bitch-ass.” He immediately follows this reveal with the statement “I still get the ‘I love you’ text and the ‘I miss you text.’” Back in the ladies cabana, Britni admits, “I can’t even deny that. That’s true.”

Only 8 of the guys can move past this round, and Zach and Devin are terrible at throwing their life preservers, so they’re eliminated from the game.

The next ex belongs to Stacey and it goes… better than you’d expect. He says that he and Stacey are still friends, and that she’s a really good caring girl who will hold you down no matter what else is happening in your life. He basically just sings her praises. Everyone knows he’s talking about Stacey. After a tough heat, Mike and Tyler are eliminated.

The next ex is Cheyenne’s. We don’t learn much about him except that he dated her for five years and is still a huge part of her life. Most people don’t know who it is right away, but after a contentious scuffle, Alec is eliminated, leaving four guys in play.

Next, we have Amanda’s “MMA ex,” who apparently has a real problem “being aggressive.” This sounds like a match made in heaven, but I guess they broke up. Matt talks about the severity of his ex’s temper and how she would “pop off on him all the time.” All the guys immediately identify Amanda. I don’t think it takes them longer than the first sentence.

When the dust clears, three guys are left standing to go on the date: Hunter, Nelson, and Austin. The three of them get to pick a lady of their choice and go spear-fishing with them. Hunter chooses Amanda, Nelson chooses Kiki, and Austin chooses Kayla.

I just need to get this quote in here. Hunter is fucking stoked to be going spear-fishing. His explanation? “I’m the ultimate predator in the water. Everyone talks about great white sharks being the ultimate predator, well I’ll kill a great white… if I got a spear gun.”

The Amanda/Hunter pairing is interesting because it’s based on their friendship. I guess they both think the other one is hilarious and spend a lot of time together in the house. However, when Mike confronts Amanda and tries to ensure that she’ll make an effort to open up to Hunter on their date, Amanda basically says no thanks. Her explanation: “Hunter is really funny but at the end of the day I don’t want to open up and meet new people because I have a lot of trust issues. And like, I have a lot of walls up and that’s why I always go back to my exes.” Damn Amanda, that’s sad. What’s sadder still is you can’t try to dismiss that when there’s $750,000 on the line! Get it together, girl.

Then we circle around to tackle my favorite house issue: Devin is garbage in the sack. He’s also garbage in a skin-sack. Devin is garbage. The house brings it up with him and Devin immediately goes on the defensive, saying that he doesn’t get the right “vibe” from Kiki to unlock his full sexual potential. In the face of everyone’s disbelieving stares, he then goes on the offensive and states, “you guys really think that it meant that much to me to have sex with that girl?” Chuck then warns Devin to “be careful big D.” But it’s too late. The asshole axis cannot save him. The girls confront Devin asking why he’s doing this to Kiki if he doesn’t care about her. Devin says he does care about her, he just doesn’t care about having sex with her. I’m pretty sure he got that backwards. Alec summarizes their relationship in the fewest words possible: “Kiki’s in denial. She doesn’t want to believe that Devin is this dick that will treat her like shit. She’s not going to find her perfect match if she keeps going back to Devin.”

After articulating this thought, Alec and Austin endeavor to have an intervention between Devin and Kiki. They start things off on a combative note, saying that Kiki deserves so much more than what she’s gotten in this house. Devin arches his back and hisses, “and she hasn’t done any disrespecting?” Austin then asks, “what is she doing that’s so disrespectful,” to which Devin replies, “ten people have come up to me and told me about our sex.”

Just like that, Kiki and Devin are in a screaming match, which is about as well as this intervention could go. When they’re done telling the other person why they’re terrible, Austin points out that “this isn’t how relationships are supposed to go.” Devin initially interprets this as support from Austin, but Austin then clarifies that Devin is also terrible. Devin calls Kiki stupid and walks off.

The Date

I’m just gonna break down the date by couple, since they all have pretty different experiences:

Austin and Kayla get along very well. Kayla is just stoked to be on a date, and recognizes that Austin has many traits that might make them a perfect match. Austin is impressed by Kayla’s ability to spear fish. I am also impressed. I never would have thought that Kayla would be such an effective aquatic predator.

Kiki and Nelson’s date goes poorly because Kiki is another one of those weird ocean people who insists that their match must be comfortable under the sea. It appears that Nelson can barely swim at all, and he basically thrashes himself back to shore immediately after diving in. Kiki leaves him behind to spear fish. No one is happy.

Amanda and Hunter have a solid date, but Amanda still finds herself unable/unwilling to open up to Hunter in a romantic way. Hunter attempts to break through her “hard exterior” to get to the “soft inside”1 but Amanda isn’t interested. She half-jokingly says Hunter could be her match, and then laughs so heartily that she may be on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.

The conversations between Nelson and Kiki and Austin and Kayla are apparently extremely boring, since MTV decided to cut them from the episode entirely. Get ready for another three-beam ceremony!

The “Truthfully, They’ll Never Figure This Out” Booth

Back in the house, Kiki once again becomes the target of the house’s ire. She insists Nelson cannot be her match because he doesn’t like the ocean, sincee that was definitely one of the compatibility questions the producers asked. The shocker of the night follows: Kiki and Nelson are voted into the Truth Booth. Of course, this is an opposite world because the house is full of literally insane people who hate sensible decisions – so shocker means complete inevitability.

Before they go into the Truth Booth, Nelson admits he thinks they could be a pair because uhhh…you know…He thinks himself attractive and he wants to fuck Kiki and…chemistry? I don’t know, man. I guess a one-sided desire to have sex is the best the house could do.

When Kiki returns to her rightful home, inside the Truth Booth, she receives the reality television equivalent of a puppy running into her lap after a long day: Another “No Match” sign. While this is disappointing for the house, it may be the set up for the most amazing final episode ever. Kiki will go into the Truth Booth two more times and receive two more “No Match” signs. In the final ceremony, she will be forced to sit with her true match. Then, like a beautiful waterfall held back by a shit damn, all of the matches will fall into place…Or they’ll get another three matches. Who’s to say really?

The Battle for Anyone but Kiki

Kiki’s seventh (7th!!! 7. Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, SEVEN) failed Truth Booth match leaves her with three possible matches: Tyler, Mike, or Alec. Alec’s fight or flight response kicks in and he lunges into Stacey’s arms. It’s actually a pretty cute moment – and it really redeems Stacey (okay, not fully) for being a loon for most of the season. Alec has discovered feelings for his soon-to-be ex-wife, leaving Mike and Tyler to fight over who has to enter into the hellfire that is a matchup with Kiki.

Of course, every action in the “Are You the One?” house comes with an equal and oppositely terrible reaction. As Alec and Stacey settle into comfortable domestic bliss, Amanda wriggles her way back onto Mike’s T-bone. She apologizes to her dad before going to the Boom Boom Room, which honestly should be evidence enough that the Pop-Off Queen needs to be popped into a room with padded walls.

With two of Kiki’s potential matches off making sweet, alcohol-induced love – Tyler seems poised to make an attempt at…Getting to know anyone but Kiki. He begins to form a bond with Cheyenne just in time to ensure that he will never have to talk to the most tragic figure in the AYTO house.

The Matchup Ceremony

After some definitely not-at-all foreboding, nuh-un no way these mean anything sound bites about Kiki only having three possible matches, it’s time for the selection process. The guys are choosing this week, and the matchup ceremony proceeds as follows:

Mike selects Melanie: Melanie describes the world’s thinking when she says, “I was rather surprised.” Surprised being both an understatement and a complete falsehood. Yes, it’s surprising that Mike would pick Mel because he has never talked to her and he could be Kiki’s match. On the other hand, Mike probably picked Mel because he has never talked to her and he could be Kiki’s match. Better to choose an outcome you don’t know than opt into permanent (three weeks) torment.

Hunter selects Britni: This makes sense. Britni may not want a southern guy, but she sure does seem into them judging by her reaction to her ex.

Alec selects Stacey: Yes, Alec may have a 1-in-3 chance of being Kiki’s match, but he has a genuine connection with Stacey and a high probability of being her match. This is probably the most together couple in the house so there shouldn’t be any major qualms about this.

For the second time this episode, Tyler is given a golden chance to save the house from embarrassment and try his hand with Kiki. However, this is far too sensible so Tyler picks Cheyenne – guaranteeing that they won’t get 10 perfect matches. Tyler couches his decision in terms of heart versus strategy, proving that Devlin brainwashed everyone in the house so thoroughly that they have permanently confused common sense and strategy.

Chuck selects Amanda: An unremarkable pair, but a great selection method by Chuck – who claps his way around and points at the Pop-Off Queen the way she has started many an argument.

Before Devin makes his pick, Ryan Devlin asks if how he has treated Kiki might’ve impacted his relationships with the women in the house. Devin retorts by asserting that everything he has done has simply been him being himself, and anyone who doesn’t like it must not be his match. By that logic, Devin’s match must’ve said she loooooves emotional abuse. Devin selects Rashida. Rashida saunters up with faux jubilation before insulting Devin for picking her a third time and insulting the rest of the men for continuing to create the same pairs that rewarded them with three matches.

Zak selects Hannah: They will make beautiful babies.

Nelson selects Kayla: I’m going to say it: Kayla is too good for Nelson. After Chelsey whisked away the wonderful Connor, Kayla has spent each week becoming more rational and likeable. On the other hand, Nelson has only gotten dumber and more annoying. Kayla deserves a decent match.

Austin and Kiki, a confirmed no-match, are paired by default.

Connor and Chelsey comprise the tenth pair.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Once again, the house gets three total pairs. It’s week eight and they have three beams. They all burst out in delirious laughter. This may very well be the first season without ten perfect matches. This will be an exciting couple of weeks.