On episode three of The Bachelor, Ben forgot his Ray Bans, and the sheets of the Bachelor House were still orange from so many spray on tans.

The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap: No more parties in L.A.

January 18, 2016 / by / 1 Comment

On episode three of The Bachelor, Ben forgot his Ray Bans, and the sheets of the Bachelor House were still orange from so many spray on tans. Welcome to our weekly recap of The Bachelor.

Bachelor episode three kicks right into high gear, starting things off with a good old fashioned shot of the women in the house talking shit about Olivia behind her back. But seriously, Olivia is whack, and I’m glad people are willing to cut her down.

Next, Lauren B. gets the date card, which is great because now we might be able to finally tell Lauren B. apart from the rest of the 25 other women in the house with a name that starts with ‘L.’ Ben also clearly doesn’t know much about who she is, as he seems to be using the date as a chance to suss out what she’s about.

Ben and Lauren B.’s date turns out to be pretty sweet — a biplane ride over Los Angeles and the Pacific Coast, which also serves as a really reassuring way to watch a flight attendant freak out mid-flight. Actually, before the show ABC released behind-the-scenes footage of the date:

The best moment of the date comes when Ben and Lauren B., both clad in World War II era leather helmets and goggles, attempt to make out on camera, which essentially results in both of them gently mouthing their microphones into one another.

After be-splittling their microphones from above Venice Beach, their biplane lands in what’s supposedly the SoCal desert, but seems to be about 5 minutes from a turnoff on the 101. And what happens to be waiting for them but ANOTHER GODDAMN HOT TUB!?

Seriously, did The Bachelor get a discount from the hot tub store that last week Ben and Caila got sexually assaulted in by Kevin Hart? Or does ABC just have a portable hot tub that they bring in for each season of The Bachelor? Should we be concerned about Ben getting dehydrated from all this hot tub time?

In the hot tub, Ben and Lauren B. robotically kiss, a moment that’s about as bland as Ben’s fashion sense. While Ben and Lauren touch lips like animatronic bears, Caila opens up a discussion back at the house about the state of race in a post-MLK America her realization that she’s locked in a cutthroat competition with a number of another millennials for an Indiana-bred spouse. But to be fair to Caila, as she says, “It’s hard to have an open heart… when you can see it being broken.”

After their portable hot tub time, Ben and Lauren B. head to the Camarillo Ranch House. Over a romantic dinner, Ben asks “What does life look like for you,” because life for Ben looks like vanilla ice cream melting on-stage at a Dave Matthews concert. He opens up to her about his dad’s struggles with heart problems, and somewhere Chris Harrison takes mental notes for several killer puns.

Later, Ben’s treated to ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT, this time by country band Lucy Angel and their song “Crazy Too.” Despite their song literally being about a bad relationship that changed its character for the worse, Ben reads it as signifying that Lauren could change his life for the better. Nice analysis Ben.

Next, we find out that most of the remaining women at the house (Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Lauren H., Olivia, Leah, Jami, Rachel, Lace, and Emily) are headed to the Los Angeles Coliseum (home of mediocre college football and temporary location of the St. Louis Extortionists) to face off against each other for the chance to attend an after-party with Ben. To raise the stakes, their coaches are women’s national team stars Alex Morgan and Kelley O’Hara, who do an admirable job of hiding their disappointment with their fellow women. As the teams seem to practice only chest bumps, Alex Morgan definitely side-flirts with Ben on the bench.

Back at the house, Jubilee suggests that Ben has a ‘type,’ and that she definitely isn’t that type in one of the most impressive displays of racial euphemism on network television. Happy MLK Day!

On the field, the women split into teams of Stars versus Stripes, and Alex Morgan and O’Hara manage to act like the whole thing isn’t entirely beneath them. We find out that Lace doesn’t know you can’t use your hands while playing soccer, while Emily channels her inner Tim Howard as the game heads to overtime. Rachel fakes injury, an excellent strategic use of flopping to slow down the pace of the game, but it isn’t enough to stop the stripes, who score in dramatic fashion and celebrate like they just won the world cup.

Brandi Chastain

At the after party, Olivia immediately grabs Ben, a smart move to block out the other women from having time with Ben, but a strategy that doesn’t endear her to other women, which is made all the worse by her gloating from the balcony to the rest of the women down below. Lace seizes the opportunity to consolidate her power among the rest of the house, particularly by making fun of Olivia’s toes, a move that Jami the snitch immediately relays to Olivia.

Later, we find out that Jubilee got the date card for a one-on-one date with Ben, and her reaction pales in comparison to the attempts by the rest of the women in the house to feign happiness for her. After making out with Ben at the after party, she receives the first-date rose, setting the stage for the rose ceremony to follow.

Before Jubilee’s date with Ben, Jami accuses her of being “Awko Taco,” which must sting a little. Ben and Jubilee get picked up in a helicopter, further demonstrating the tactical superiority of air power, although Jubilee’s nervous asking if anybody else wanted to take her date is used to brew up a faux-controversy among the contestants.

In the helicopter, Ben and Jubilee fly to Cal-a-Vie Health Spa, a pretty dope spot in Vista, CA. Jubilee spits out the spa’s caviar because SHE IS THE ONE PERCENT, and wears the shit out of an all-white-outfit because only she can pull off wearing white before Memorial Day. Keeping the theme, her and Ben discuss his reaction to Jubilee calling him “white boy,” which I’m sure is just what Martin Luther King Jr. and ABC’s finest execs dreamed of.

After sharing some robotic kissing in the infinity pool, Jubilee shares with Ben that she has a love-hate relationship with her past, since all of her family passed away when she was young. It’s an honest discussion of guilt, loss, and identity, and Ben tries to respond with his best platitudes and does a halfway decent job of it. The whole moment is pretty touching, all things considered.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben tells the group that two people he was very close to from home perished in a plane crash, which is ridiculously tragic, but come on does nobody else find it at least a little bit ironic that he makes that announcement after a day of flying around in not one but two air-borne vehicles?

Olivia takes advantage of Ben’s display of emotion to pounce, taking him out back to, I shit you not, complain to him about how bloggers think she has cankles. It’s incredible. You can almost see Ben inwardly curse the producers who made him keep her around this far.

Jubilee’s anxiety grows in the house, which might have something to do with the fact that she’s being frozen out by half the women and confronted by Amber about why she’s avoiding them. She avoids the confrontation by giving Ben a massage, which everybody knows is the tried-and-true method for grieving on national TV. Amber, however, interrupts the massage, further angering Jubilee and forcing Ben to hide his massage-boner. Amber tries to hold an intervention for Jubilee, which Jubilee takes as you’d expect, and after Amber breaks into the bathroom to shout at Jubilee, you can see Ben physically shrink away from the conflict.

Ben, clearly exasperated with all the drama, gets just what he needed when Lace pulls him away from the group to tearfully tell him that she needs to do work on herself (metaphorically, hopefully), and that she needs to see the house. Ben breathes a sigh of relief as he realizes that he doesn’t have to eliminate Lace at the rose ceremony.

At the rose ceremony, Ben gives roses to the following women:

  • Lauren H.
  • Amanda
  • BTV
  • Haley
  • Emily
  • Rachel
  • Caila
  • JoJo
  • Jennifer
  • Leah
  • Olivia