Felicity Jones Rogue One trailer

It’s Time For A ‘Rogue One’ Trailer Deep-Dive

April 07, 2016 / by / 0 Comment

Come one, come all, and let us gather around the first drops of Disney’s upcoming 8 month deluge of corporate-sanctioned hype and nostalgia leading up to December’s release of Rogue One, the first stand-alone film in the new Star Wars Anthology

Today’s beginning trickle of fan-service was the release of the film’s first trailer, which admittedly looks dope as hell:

That’s a solid 90 seconds of geek splooge to unpack, so let’s get to it:

[Silence]

Rogue One Trailer

Aww yeah. Oh fuck yeah. The MPAA should just go ahead and rate this movie ‘BMFA’ for ‘Bad Motherfucking Ass.’ Give me a landing page to pre-order tickets. Give it to me.

Black screen. The opening strains of “The Force Theme” trickle across a reverberating piano. A hand-cuffed Felicity Jones walks through what appears to be the rebel base on Yavin 4.

Rogue One, Yavin 4

Holy shit yes, let’s do this. I’m going to play this song for my baby while young Rey is in the womb. Wait no, during conception. Also you gotta love the temperate and lush terrain of the forested planet that would host the rebel base that would bring down the ultimate weapon of its day. It must be such a thrill for a member of the Alliance to Restore the Republic, like Felicity Jones’ Jyn Erso, to be at the base, even if it seems like she’s not totally there of her own volition.

[male voice] “Forgery of Imperial documents. Possession of stolen property. Aggravated assault. Resisting arrest.”

[female voice] “On your own from the age of fifteen. Reckless, aggressive, and undisciplined.”

Rogue One trailer

Might it be safe to say that Jyn Erso is a bit of a… rogue? Maybe even the number one roguish of rogues?

[Hot Guy]

Rogue One trailer

This is a hot guy. Way to smolder, bro.

[Jyn Erso] “This is a rebellion, isn’t it?

Rogue One trailer

There’s that trademark, individualistic sass we’ve come to know and love! Sign me up for a slew thinkpieces about the portrayal of women in the Star Wars universe. My twitter feed is ready.

Felicity Jones whooping major Stormtrooper ass

Rogue One trailer

In a matter of about five seconds and approximately 27 different camera shots, Felicity Jones piles up a body count of at least five Stormtroopers. It looks like she’s in a slightly more inhabited version of a planet like Jakku or Mos Eisley, kind of like some sort of Baghdad within the Star Wars universe (which makes sense considering she’s clearly fighting off heavily-armored imperial troops who are unwelcome in this foreign land).

[Jyn Erso]: “I rebel.”

Felicity Jones Rogue One trailer

Way to stay #OnBrand Jyn.

[Lucasfilm logo]

Rogue One trailer

Speaking of brands! RIP, George Lucas’ creative sense of self.

[female voice] “We have a mission for you. A major weapon’s test is imminent, and we need to know what it is and how to destroy it.”

Big ass ships seen constructing the big-ass dome for the Death Star’s big ass laser capable of destroying a big ass planet.

Rogue One Trailer

First of all, way to set up the plot. I think I have a hunch about what this movie will be about.

Second, if I’m the Empire, do I really think it’s wise to immediately undertake the capital investment in the construction of another large-scale weapon? Aren’t I worried that this sort of unchecked defense spending will ultimately bankrupt my imperial government? Or at least force some shoddy contractors to cut corners while constructing my next sentinel base?

Third, Felicity Jones just came off playing Stephen Hawking’s wife in The Theory of Everything. I think she can appreciate the destruction that a man who’s half human, half machine is capable of. The stakes couldn’t be higher.

[man — holy shit is that Jack Bauer? Probably not, I’m not sure how the rebellion feels about using “enhanced interrogation techniques” to procure the Empire’s plans for the Death Star.] “Is that clear?”

[Felicity Jones] “Yes sir”

Rogue One Trailer

Why the hell are all these female protagonists British? Is Star Wars turning into a terse period drama about the trials and tribulations of a turn-of-the-century marriage gone awry? Slash is Jyn Erso related to the equally beautiful, badass, and British Rey? We can only hope.

Studly rebel pilots walk out of rebel base, and bad looking bad guy wears bitching white cape as siren that sounds like dying Wookie blares in the background.

Rogue One trailer

Rogue One trailer

Mother of mercy that cape is glorious. Don’t fuck with a bad guy in a white cape — he must launder that shit every day to keep it so fresh and bright. This is a man with an attention to detail and a sense of style we haven’t seen since Darth Maul got shafted.

[Forest Whitaker] “What will you do when they catch you? What will you do if they break you? If you continue to fight? What will you become?”

Forest Whitaker Rogue One

Forest Whitaker!

Stormtroopers running

Rogue One trailer

Looks like not only has the Empire invested in intense weaponry, but they’re also diversifying the Stormtrooper collection. Glad to see some nice shades of khaki for when you just don’t know what business casual entails at Supreme Leader Snoke’s happy hour reception.

Samurai hoodrat shit

Rogue One trailer
This movie may not feature the force (and, in turn, lightsabers), but by god is it going to pay tribute to Lucas’ love of samurai films with some kickass swordplay. If I had to bet on Stormtroopers with blasters or a guy with a cool sword, I’m going cool sword every single time.

Cool explosion of the sort of ship that Kylo Ren learned to drive in.

Rogue One trailer

Oh yeah. This movie’s going to have some neat looking explosions. I guarantee it.

More bad guy with cape, this time walking through mud towards smoldering wreckage and/or beautiful sunset.

Rogue One trailer

Told you this guy is one white-caped BAMF you don’t want to trifle with.

AT-AT’s being scary as shit

Rogue One trailer

The original Hoth fight scene was pretty great, but I don’t think anything’s captured the awesome, terrifying power of an AT-AT quite like this scene. Getting nailed by a laser shot from 50 feet up is pretty low on my bucket list. Although the rebels on foot (including Felicity Jones going full Clint Eastwood with a blaster in each hand) seem to take a page out of the Battlefront book and strafe like mad, which everybody knows is infuriating for somebody up in a walker.

Awww yeah, I’m Felicity Jones and I’m dressed like a Stormtrooper.

Felicity Jones Rogue One trailer

Did Felicity Jones go rogue on going rogue, and turn to the Dark Side? Or is that just a ruse to get in and steal the plans for the Death Star? Is that a samurai sword in her backpack?

I want to know. I need to know. Take my money, Disney. I’ll trade in my childhood for your two hours of entertainment, just give it to me. Please.