#1 Review in America: The Frozen Soundtrack

February 10, 2014 / by / 34 Comments

Each week we make Stephen listen to the #1 album in America. This week, Stephen tries to discern the plot of Frozen from its soundtrack, which is currently on its fourth week atop the charts.

 

Frozen Heart

Disney lays things out on the line with the opening track of Frozen, letting its audience know they’re in for either an in-depth documentary on the rigorous working conditions for Scandinavian ice harvesters, or else an extended play on words alluding to the central themes of the film, such as the contrast between an icy disposition and physical snow or the proximity of beauty and danger. Considering Disney’s long and storied history on the fringes of the radical left, I’m going to bet on the former.

Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

Elsa has been going through a lot of changes recently, and Anna is starting to express some misgivings. All of the sudden things that Elsa used to enjoy, like riding bikes in the hallway, playing with her sister, or going on sailing trips with her parents are no longer considered “cool” or “hip” or “socially desirable.” Instead, all Elsa seems to do all day is sit around her room and mope, probably listening to rap albums and growing out her bangs while experimenting with gateway drugs. Now the only thing that Anna wants is her old sister back to help Anna experience the magical joys of becoming a woman. There also may or may not be a subplot throughout Frozen pertaining to Anna’s unhealthy snowman fetish, in which case the wordplay inherent in the film’s title takes on a whole new meaning.

For the First Time in Forever

After hearing this song, I can absolutely guarantee that Frozen is going to be made into a Broadway musical, which means two things will happen: 1) I’ll find out about it instantaneously on Facebook from every single theater major I know, and 2) Disney will make more gobs of money than Scrooge McDuck could ever dream of.

In terms of the song, I’m guessing that tonight Anna was feeling a lot of trepidation for something that she’d heard about but never experienced before, followed by a brief spurt of misgivings and self-loathing, and leaving her in the end with a whole lot more questions than answers.

Love is an Open Door

Love, apparently, is much like a 19th-century imperial policy intended to mediate competing national interests in China without providing the country with a semblance of meaningful input. Both, after all, create a powerful sense of lingering resentment and humiliation, although “equal access” may be better applied to trade ports than, well, never mind. Also, it sounds like the Frozen budget got stretched a little thin, so this track had to spurn real instruments in favor of a South Korean karaoke machine circa 1972.

Let it Go

Having barely survived two polar vortices, I can undoubtedly say that the cold very definitely bothers me any chance it gets, so I had some trouble relating to this song. I’m assuming this is the part of the movie where parents patiently explain “frozen fractal” theory to their five-year-olds while on the screen the uptight nerd nobody ever notices lets her hair out of her bun and reveals to the world the empowering story that it’s okay to be who you really are, especially if who you really are is a rich skinny blonde.

Reindeer(s) Are Better Than People

[statement redacted per the request of the Man Reindeer Love Association]

In Summer

I’m predicting that Olaf is a terminally ill Chicagoan, somebody who can only dream of what summer is like but, as Kristoff observes, will never make it long enough to enjoy the sensation of warmth and happiness. Also, would it be, like, weird if Olaf were to eat a sno-cone during the summer?

Fixer Upper

This is presumably the climax of the movie, featuring its last original song as a chorus of chain-smoking grandparents from Staten Island evaluate the physical, mental, and social traits of Chris Christie in his breakout cameo role and try to find him the perfect engagement to ruin. This plot point will inevitably be re-purposed into a reality television show on ABC, tentatively titled “Everyone’s A Bit Of A Fixer.”