Our panel of experts answer the age-old question.

Who are the 100 Greatest Shitty Bands of All Time?

November 13, 2015 / by , , , , , , , / 1 Comment

There are a lot of shitty bands out there. And, much like snowflakes or KISS solo albums, each shitty band is uniquely shitty in their own special way.

But some shitty bands are great in spite of their shittiness. So what makes a shitty band truly great, and what makes some of them just plain terrible?

To objectively determine who is the ultimate shitty band of all time (The G.S.B.O.A.T.), our panel of experts ranked each of the following 100 bands from 0 to 10 in each of the following categories, producing an Average Shittiness Score (A.S.S.) to determine just who is the Greatest Shitty Band of All Time:

Commercial Success: Pretty self-evident. Did this band’s shitty, shitty music sell enough records or garner enough radio play to guarantee that they’d be clogging up your ear-holes with their shitty, shitty sounds for many years to come?

Influence: Often related to the other factors we’re considering here, but not necessarily. Basically, did this band’s shitty music influence other bands to produce a similar breed of shitty music?

Technical Virtuosity: Was this band talented, and just used their skill for the forces of all that is evil and shitty with contemporary music? Or did they straight-up suck?

Ironic Re-listening Value: Is there some joy to be gleaned from ironically listening to this band?

Value Above Replacement Band (VARB): Getting into shitty band sabremetric territory here: what is the value of this shitty, shitty band above the performance you’d expect from a replacement band of similar genre and caliber? Basically, how do they compare to their shitty peers?

We’re not necessarily looking for the worst band here, but the best of the terrible bands we’ve suffered through since birth of pop music.

Look, these are subjective rankings, and shittiness is truly in the ears of the listener. One man’s Garbage is another’s 57th shittiest band in the world. So without further ado, here are the 100 greatest shitty bands of all time.

100. Insane Clown Posse

Analysis: Insane Clown Posse is so, so, so, so incredibly bad. Some bad bands are nevertheless ‘great’ in their shittiness, or at least have some interesting, redeemable qualities, but ICP has none. They’re a godawful band, with godawful fans who somehow make wearing facepaint, spraying Faygo, and committing federal crimes less interesting and just so sad.
Commercial Success: 2
Influence: 3
Technical Virtuosity: 4
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 1
VARB: 1
Score: 2.2/10

99. Hoobastank

Analysis: Hoobastank isn’t good-bad. They’re bad-bad. Like, bad-bad-bad-bad. That bad.
Commercial Success: 2
Influence: 1
Technical Virtuosity: 2
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 6
VARB: 1
Score: 2.4/10

97. (tied) Jet

Analysis: Don’t worry guys, Pitchfork is on it.
Commercial Success: 2.5
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 4
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 2
VARB: 2
Score: 2.5/10

97. (tied) Daughtry

Analysis: A byproduct of American Idol, and that’s not even the shittiest part about the band. The lamest thing about Daughtry is that they honest to god sound like they tried to incorporate the worst elements of Lifehouse, 3 Doors Down, and Train into their music, and nearly got away with it too.
Commercial Success: 4
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 2
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 2.5
VARB: 2
Score: 2.5/10

96. Puddle of Mudd

Analysis: Get it? Double d’s, haha. This band was Nickelback before there was Nickelback, and we mean that in the absolute worst way possible.
Commercial Success: 4
Influence: 1.5
Technical Virtuosity: 4
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 2
VARB: 2
Score: 2.7/10

94. (tied) Milli Vinilli

Analysis: If anyone actually does deserve a negative VARB, by God it’s Milli Vinilli.
Commercial Success: 2
Influence: 3
Technical Virtuosity: 0
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 9.5
VARB: -0.5
Score: 2.8/10

94. (tied) Fun.

Analysis: Bring back The Format!
Commercial Success: 5.5
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 3
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 1
VARB: 2.5
Score: 2.8/10

92. (tied) Limp Bizkit

Analysis: Do you know what nobody ever misses? Nu metal. Nu metal was the worst thing to happen to American pop music since Elvis’ “In The Ghetto,” yet somehow we let it go on and on.
Commercial Success: 3
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 3
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 4.5
VARB: 2
Score: 2.9/10

92. (tied) LFO

Analysis: So much of “Summer Girls” is patently offensive on pretty much every level of human existence, but perhaps the worst sin of all was putting possibly the worst lyrics ever written by a human over what’s actually a halfway decent beat.
Commercial Success: 3
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 1
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 6.5
VARB: 2
Score: 2.9/10

91. Blessid Union of Souls

Analysis: How to guarantee your band never makes it big: Step 1 — Make dated references to Tyson Beckford. Step 2 — Write an album entirely about the Cincinnati Reds. Step 3 — There is no step 3. Congratulations, you suck.
Commercial Success: 4
Influence: 3
Technical Virtuosity: 3
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 4
VARB: 1.5
Score: 3.1/10

89. (tied) Evanescence

Analysis: Do you have feelings? Are you incapable of expressing them outside of Tumblr? Then Evanescence is the band for you!
Commercial Success: 4
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 3
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 5
VARB: 2
Score: 3.2/10

89. (tied) O-Town

Analysis: Deep down inside we know that boy bands are just studio concoctions made up of hair product and careful focus group analysis, but O-Town made the connection just a little too obvious.
Commercial Success: 2
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 2
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 8
VARB: 2
Score: 3.2/10

88. Pussycat Dolls

Analysis: No matter how hard you try, at some point you just run out of thinly veiled metaphors for sex to match with half-baked dance beats. The Pussycat Dolls didn’t even make it that far.
Commercial Success: 3
Influence: 4
Technical Virtuosity: 1
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 7
VARB: 2
Score: 3.4/10

87. Incubus

Analysis: Incubus is one of those bands (like Korn) who’s name is almost as much of a turnoff as the music itself. You could be excused for thinking they were a super scurry heavy metal band (a la Megadeath) on the basis of their name alone, when in reality all that they were was another entry in a long list of shitty, shitty, late 90s/early 2000s byproducts of grunge and metal.
Commercial Success: 4
Influence: 3.5
Technical Virtuosity: 3
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 4
VARB: 3.5
Score: 3.6/10

83. (tied) Good Charlotte

Analysis: The poor adolescent angsty teenager’s Blink-182, Good Charlotte took shitty early 2000s guitar pop rock and gave it eyeliner and a pair of Vans, and then set the music loose to poop all over decent Americans’ musical sensibilities. That said, don’t even try to tell us that “Girls & Boys” isn’t pure pop gold.
Commercial Success: 4
Influence: 3
Technical Virtuosity: 5
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 4
VARB: 2.5
Score: 3.7/10

83. (tied) Savage Garden

Analysis: Not to be confused with Soundgarden, because unlike at least one or two Soundgarden songs, there’s absolutely nothing redeeming about Savage Garden.
Commercial Success: 3.5
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 2.5
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 7.5
VARB: 3
Score: 3.7/10

83. (tied) Fuel

Analysis: Fuel sounds like the worst of math rock meets the worst of mall rock, which is fitting because I’m pretty sure that Fuel is the patron saint of high school stage crew members.
Commercial Success: 3
Influence: 2
Technical Virtuosity: 5.5
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 6
VARB: 2
Score: 3.7/10

83. (tied) Korn

Analysis: Nu metal was the worst thing to happen to America in the late 90s, with the possible exception of JNCOs and Netscape. And Korn is no exception.
Commercial Success: 5
Influence: 5.5
Technical Virtuosity: 4
Ironic Re-Listening Value: 2
VARB: 2
Score: 3.7/10

100-80 | 79-60 | 59-40 | 39-20 | 19-1


  • mysticnox

    You seriously have no taste.