Are You The One? Season 5 Episode 1 Recap

January 16, 2017 / by / 0 Comment

The most exciting shitshow in the world is back! No, it’s not election season again — it’s the return of Are You the One? Amazingly, the Viacom-sponsored orgy has begun it’s FIFTH season, which means it has now been on the air for as long as Party Down and Arrested Development (the original run) COMBINED! That’s like hearing a restaurant say they couldn’t convince enough people to buy steak or chicken, but apparently there is a strong passion for “Some Potato Shit We Scraped out of a Bucket.”

For those who are new to this amazing documentary on what happens when a bunch of 20-somethings try to solve their deep-seeded emotional traumas by drunkenly fucking each other, the premise is simple: Twenty-two volatile almost-humans are thrown into a mansion — eleven of them are men, eleven are women. In the house, each person has one “perfect” match; however, they do not know who that match is. Over the course of ten weeks, they will try to find their perfect matches. If they get them all by week ten, they win one million dollars to share. They are only given two tools to figure this out: The Truth Booth and Matchup Ceremonies. Every week, the house can send one couple to The Truth Booth, which will reveal whether that pair is a perfect match. At the end of the week, the host — the impeccably corrupt Ryan Devlin — will conduct a matchup ceremony wherein everyone pairs up with their best guess for their match aka the person they hooked up with most recently aka their “soulmate.” This ceremony reveals the total number of perfect matches, but does not reveal which pairs are correct. Beyond this, these flesh monsters are left to fight, fuck, and fight-fuck their way to love. It’s basically the plot of Love, Actually.

Due to the multiple violations of federal law committed on AYTO in the past four seasons, this season takes place in the Dominican Republic. After a brief introduction from The Devlin, it’s time to meet the contestants and…well they are on a reality show for a reason. The first woman introduced is literally named Tyranny, which is just all too poetic in explaining what will happen on this show.

Devlin explains that the contestants parents, using bios for all of the people in house, were given the chance to pick their child’s perfect match. Joey’s mom chooses Carolina as his pefect match. He’s excited and she’s…neutral. IT’S TRUE LOVE. For Hannah, the family pick is Osvaldo — to which she outwardly recoils. MORE TRUE LOVE. Gianna’s mom picks Hayden for her, and they HUG. HOLY SHIT, WE MAY AS WELL RING THE WEDDING BELLS. Devlin announces these three pairs will be going on a date excursion before letting the monsters loose on their orgy palace.

To best find their perfect match, everyone in the house immediately starts drinking. As castmates drunkenly flirt, it becomes clear that our lovebirds, Gianna and Hayden, may not be a perfect match. While the two have a lot in common, this actually drives Gianna away from Hayden and towards Michael, a towering douchemonster. The most interesting pairing in the house is Kathryn and Ozzy though, who seem to form a strong connection. However, Ozzy, hoping to not move too quickly, refuses to kiss Kathryn. In order to prove to Ozzy she cares about him so much that she needs him to kiss her, she gives Mike the ole below the belt kiss. I can’t wait for Ozzy to tell his kids about his first night with their mom, Kathryn.

The following morning, it’s confrontation time!!! And the fight is…shockingly nonexistent. Ozzy and Kathryn talk through the previous night’s happenings like adults. Ozzy admits that she hurt him a bit but says he can’t judge her, and she admits to having made a mistake. It’s both heartwarming and infuriating, since this is a show for explosions and indulgent behavior, not tempered discussion. Fortunately, the getaway date promises to deliver some wonderful bickering — since Gianna has realized she hates Hayden, and poor, dumb Hayden thinks they’re going to get married.

The group of couples enjoys an offroad safari before they are forced to talk to each other. Once again, AYTO produces shockingly tempered, congenial interactions. Gianna overcomes her annoyance with Hayden, and they seem like they’re back on track. Meanwhile, Carolina and Joey start to bond as a couple. Osvaldo and Hannah still have zero chemistry though, so at least that dampers all of this happiness.

When the couples return, Devlin reveals that Gianna and Hayden have been sent to the Truth Booth. However, as they walk to their decision tomb, The Devlin offers a deal to the rest of the house: Surrender the results of the Truth Booth, and add $150K to the overall possible winnings. However, if they take the money, Hayden and Gianna can NEVER be sent to the Truth Booth together. The house decides not to take the trade, surrendering $150,000 for a couple that has known each other for all of 24 hours. The Truth Booth reveals Gianna and Hayden are not a match, and everyone begins to fight. Thank god for that twist.

Later in the night, Kam lectures Edward on her “rotation” of dudes and offers to drop the rotation for a man who becomes whatever she wants. Kam seems to really understand healthy relationships. Meanwhile, Gianna tries to reassert her connection with Michael, but he rejects her out of fear that she will hurt him. With that small bit of vulnerability, Michael has thrown his name in as the first contender for the “douche who becomes less of a douche over the course of the season” award.

After an underwhelming first two days, it’s time for the matchup ceremony. That also means it’s time to meet half of the cast, since we still only know about 50 percent of the contestants’ names. Before the pairing begins, Devlin reveals yet another twist: If the couples don’t get any matches right during the ceremony, they lose half of their money. With that bomb dropped, it’s time for the picks. It’s “Ladies Night,” so the women choose their matches. The matchup ceremony goes as follows:

Kam picks Edward: Despite that fact that Edward hated Kam’s speech about side dudes and being an alpha, she is convinced that they are a match. Maybe the editing skewed this one, but this pair feels off.

Taylor picks Tyler: Here is what we know about Taylor so far: She’s hot. Here’s what we know about Tyler: He’s hot and petulant. Sure. They’re a match. They have similar names.

Karrie picks Mike: Well at least we know Karrie isn’t the jealous type. Our Staten Island bro will find his Cinderella soon enough.

Cassandra picks Jaylen: We like Jaylen. We may not like Cassandra. We don’t have a firm opinion on this pair.

Carolina picks Joey: The upset contender for couple of the week. These two may be one of our beams.

Tyranny picks Osvaldo: TYRANNY HAS SELECTED ITS VICTIM (Warning: This will be the comment for all of Tyranny’s picks).

Gianna picks Ozzy: YESSSS. Gianna has decided to become the self-centered person of the house. This is a classic of every season. Last year it was Julia, and now Gianna has staked her claim. It’s obvious that Gianna and Ozzy have no connection, and Kathryn desperately wanted to pick him. However, this is Gianna’s way for compensating for Michael’s rejection. Glad we saw a nice, mature decision here.

Hannah picks Michael: They’re both tall and they’re both sort of assholes. This may have accidentally been a good pick.

Alicia picks Andre: This was a lowkey good pair during the episode and a sensible pick. Good job, you two!

Kathryn picks Derrick: The blowback from Gianna’s decision produces a very odd couple.

Shannon is left with Hayden: If you showed me a picture of Shannon and asked if she was on AYTO, I would vehemently say no. This may be the first time I have ever seen her face. This pair means literally nothing.

The house ends up with two perfect matches and avoids the dreaded blackout. It’s yet another dull moment in a dull episode. Fortunately, we have seen quite a few volatile personalities in the house, so a few more nights of drinking and sex should have this cast in shambles in no time at all. Join us next time to enjoy the collapse of society on Are You the One?