NFL Starting Quarterbacks as Songs from Taylor Swift’s “1989”
“Welcome to New York” = Kyle Orton
If Taylor Swift’s “Welcome to New York” was an honest testament to adjusting to New York – complete with classic New York experiences like rats eating shit then shitting on top of other piles of shit and getting offered cocaine at 4pm walking across 28th and Broadway – we might be talking about another quarterback here. Geno Smith has undoubtedly had the most New York City experience, showing up with high hopes only to have those dreams immediately crushed as everyone booed him. However, Taylor Swift’s New York City is a Technicolor dreamcoat of happiness and free lollipops – and the only quarterback in the entire state of New York to experience anything remotely close to that is the NFL’s stern but supportive father, Kyle Orton. Currently riding a 3-3 record since taking over as the Bills’ starter (a God-like accomplishment), Orton has managed to successfully lead a horrible franchise to mediocrity. That may not be the gumdrop fountain of Swift’s “Welcome to New York,” but it’s the closest thing to it in the entire state.
“Blank Space” = Brian Hoyer
There is no song on 1989 that fits an NFL quarterback quite like “Blank Space” fits Brian Hoyer. The Browns, with their long list of ex-lovers (RIP Josh McCown) and tendency to be insane(ly horrible), are the Taylor Swift to Hoyer’s poor, unsuspecting new lover. And just like all of Taylor’s relationships, this pairing between the Browns and Hoyer is bound to go down in flames.
I would caution against going to K-Mart in 4 years and asking Hoyer if this high was worth the pain. The answer will be pretty obvious.
“Style” = Aaron Rodgers
It’s a tale as old as time: The Packers look like they’re playing poorly. A couple people speculate that Aaron Rodgers has finally lost his touch; “Maybe it’s time to look to other options in the offense.” Aaand then Aaron Rodgers decides to pee all over the graves of the deceased and irrelevant Bears, and it’s true love again. The relationship between the Packers and Aaron Rodgers has its up and downs, but when push comes to shove they, unfortunately, will never go out of style.
“Out of the Woods” = Tony Romo
Well some have speculated that “Remember when you hit the brakes too soon” is a reference to Harry Styles’ snowmobile accident, the truly insightful among us know Swift is referring to Tony Romo’s atrocious record in the month of December. As the Cowboys encroach upon that terrifying, often horrific month, you know Romo is spending every minute of his days looking at the potential playoff standings whispering to himself, “Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet?”
You’re almost there, Tony. Don’t drop the ball just quite yet.
“All You Had to Do Was Stay” = Michael Vick
“All You Had to Do Was Stay” is the Eagles’ anthem for any discussion of Michael Vick’s current situation. Though the two amicably parted ways as it became clear that Foles would be under center for the 2014 season, it’s difficult to avoid questioning just how easy it would’ve been for Vick to assume the starting job and lead the Eagles to the playoffs with Foles now injured. Instead, Vick is toiling in the toilet city of Rutherford, New Jersey – hoping that something can save him from the rest of this season. All he had to do was stay.
“Shake It Off” = Andy Dalton
Andy Dalton may not be accused of going out too late or going on too many dates, but he does have an awful lot of haters. However Dalton, like Swift, seems to be able to shake off all of that hate and continue playing, winning football games without fan support or any sort of discernible talent.
With the worst point differential in the AFC North, The Red-Headed Man-Boy Wonder still has the Bengals in charge of their own playoff fate. “Haters gonna hate,” but Andy Dalton will just “play, play, play” his way into unreasonable success…Well, at least until the playoffs start.
“I Wish You Would” = Mark Sanchez
We have entered the Twilight Zone. A time that nobody has ever imagined. It’s almost impossible to believe, but it has finally happened: Jets fans are wishing they had Mark Sanchez back. Yes, that Mark Sanchez. Now this may not be a consensus idea, but you can bet that at least some fans of the green and white are looking at their quarterbacks drowning in a sea of incompetence (Sorry Vick. It’s not all your fault) and thinking about what life might be like with the now 2-1 Sanchez. Sure, Sanchez may have the butt fumble, but he never threw 3 interceptions in one quarter. IN ONE QUARTER.
“I Wish You Would” may not be the Jets’ anthem quite yet, but once Vick is gone and the Jets are forced to remember they placed the future of their franchise in the surely cursed hands of Geno Smith, they’ll be crying it from the pits of New Jersey.
“Bad Blood” = Robert Griffin III
If there’s a single person in the entire D.C. area who believes RG III should be the Washington (NAME RETRACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS)’s quarterback, please speak up now. Oh, nobody? Absolutely nobody wants to stand up for a half-man, half-papier-mâché quarterback who trashes his teammates after not being able to throw his way out of a social and legal controversy instigated by the continued support of a name that denigrates an entire people paper bag? Hmmmm…That’s odd.
After continued sub-par performances, being outplayed by Colt McCoy and the regional manager of Best Buy’s Geek Squad, and just acting like a dick, you can bet the blood in (DEAR GOD JUST CHANGE YOUR TEAM NAME)’s locker room is worse than the crippling blood flowing through RG III’s fragile knees.
“Wildest Dreams” = Carson Palmer
Going into the 12th season of the mesmerizing, cripplingly sad drama, “Oh God, He’s Finally Going to Win Somethi—Oh Fuck. He Were Go Again,” Palmer looked like he was going to take his character in a whole new direction. It looked like the series might have a happy ending, and the hero was finally going to earn the success and respect he had deserved all along. Then the writers clearly got lazy and went with the same old twist (and tear). Now, Palmer’s character looks like he might be on his last leg (Sorry). I hope they at least give him a puppy or something.
Oh Carson, we’ll always remember you. Unfortunately, it looks like your wildest dreams might be the only place where you see true success again.
“How You Get the Girl” = Ryan Tannehill
I’d be willing to bet Ryan Tannehill heard “How You Get the Girl” and said to himself, “This is how you get a contract extension.” He has followed the steps perfectly.
Step 1: Amaze your target by displaying potential they’ve never seen before.
Step 2: Abandon them completely, destroying their heart and self-confidence in the process.
Step 3: Make a dramatic return and prove that you are the guy they thought you were in the beginning.
Ryan Tannehill has the Dolphins in the perfect position to “get” him now. Now all he has to do is remind them of how it used to be (“Remember when Chad Pennington was the starting quarterback? Yeah, give me money.”) and he’ll have them forever and ever.
“This Love” = Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning may not have ever abandoned the Denver Broncos like Taylor Swift’s BAE in “This Love,” but he certainly did come back from the dead. Manning rose from the ashes of a potentially career-ending surgery and found true love with the Broncos. Since then, they have walked hand-in-hand (fingers laced, of course) as they’ve shat all over the NFL.
However, just like the story of “This Love,” the romance between the Broncos and Manning is occasionally really bad. Like really, really bad.
“I Know Places” = Drew Brees
The Saints have a history of hiding. Mostly in paper bags, but still. Now though, Brees and the Saints have found the ultimate hiding place: The NFC South. Though the Saints are being “hunted” by other playoff hungry teams, they simply cannot be touched in the perfect sanctuary that is the NFC. In “I Know Places,” Taylor Swift and whomever she’s with are “bulletproof.” Brees and the Saints have even better protection in the form of the dead carcass of fairness in deciding playoff spots.
“Clean” = Alex Smith
This one is a stretch, I know. The story of feeling relieved and totally free after recovering from a breakup just doesn’t seem befit for anyone who has to move to Kansas City. That being said, Alex Smith must feel pretty clean and free without being forced to deal with the suffocating pressure of having to be a good quarterback now that he’s two years into his tenure with the Chiefs.
As a member of the San Francisco 49er’s, Alex Smith was constantly drowning in competition and expectations. Now that he’s a couple years removed from that “war,” he can breathe easily knowing that he’ll never have to do anything beyond completing a bunch of five yard passes. “Finally clean” indeed.