BREAKING: George R.R. Martin kills off producers of “Game of Thrones”
LOS ANGELES–In an unforeseen turn of events in the fantasy series Game of Thrones, author George R.R. Martin killed off all of the show’s producers during last night’s Game of Thrones production meeting.
George R.R. Martin, famous for unflinchingly killing off his major characters, has now started murdering essential members of his show’s crew, starting with the its producers and lead showrunner.
In a meeting that was supposed to celebrate a successful launching of Season 4 for the HBO series, George R.R. Martin hired a group of AMC executives to disguise themselves as the wait staff for the event. As the Game of Thrones producers sat down to a feast of chicken, eggs, and roasted mutton, Martin stained the walls and carpet of Suite 254 at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood with cold blood, seeping with betrayal and horror. A wedding party taking place downstairs heard the screams of the executives and notified reporters, with one visibly shaken guest recalling, “We knew George R. R. Martin was holding a meeting upstairs, but… Jesus fucking Christ.”
While many onlookers expressed surprise that AMC would ally themselves with the author’s gratuitous bloodshed, experts in the cable television industry point to the legendary reign of The Sopranos as the source of this tension between the two studios, and speculate that the ensuing bad blood may have provided George R.R. Martin with strategic leverage over the AMC team.
AMC plans to host an enormous weekend-long festival celebrating their victory, and expects to invite TNT, FX, USA, TBS, and A&E to the festivities. Everyone who has seen an episode of Game of Thrones reports that this is probably a really fucking bad idea.
While the alliance with AMC caught many off-guard, others familiar with the situation suggest that George R.R. Martin’s homicidal actions may not be so cold and calculating.
“I think George has gone crazy, and can’t get off just by killing his characters anymore. He now has to kill executives and industry members to feel that same rush,” said one of his writer’s assistants, who wished to remain anonymous. For unknown reasons, this writer’s assistant can no longer be found for further questioning.
UPDATE: Upon further investigation, numerous members of the Game of Thrones cast have come forward voicing concerns about various missing crew and extras.
“After the ‘Rains of Castamere’ episode, we haven’t seen Sharon or Aubrey, the two extras from the south side of London…or Jimmy, the key grip,” said John, the lighting guy.
UPDATE: John, the lighting guy, cannot be found for further comment.
UPDATE: One of our reporters has been able to confirm that the bodies used in the “Rains of Castamere” episode are indeed that of the missing extras from the south side of London, Sharon and Aubrey, as well as Jimmy, the key grip, and several other members of the Game of Thrones crew members. The death toll is now at 25.
UPDATE: John, the lighting guy, was found back at his mother’s house in St. Louis.
UPDATE: John, the lighting guy, was found dead back at his mother’s house in St. Louis, with the head of his pet cat sewn onto the body surrounded by blood and unattached organs. Next to his body was a post-it note that read, “George R.R. Martin Sends his Regards.”
UPDATE: Our reporter has gone missing. Please email firstname.lastname@example.org if you have any information regarding his whereabouts.