Bachelor in Paradise, Season 2 Episode 9 Recap

August 31, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

On tonight’s Bachelor in Paradise, that couple we love to hate, Samantha and Joe, reunite. I imagine that this is probably because Joe was essentially threatening to reveal Samantha’s texts to everyone if she didn’t date him. And I wish I could say that blackmail is the worst foundation for a relationship on this show, but, once again, two men in this house are dating women based on the size of their hands.

With Samantha and Joe back together again, Samantha has to turn Justin down for the date they were supposed to go on today. Although Justin is surprised, he decides to ask Amber out instead, and Amber chooses to go out with him to make Dan jealous and see if he misses her. Because, yeah, once again, this show is just full of healthy relationship dynamics.

Of course, Amber’s idea is fully endorsed by Ashley I, and I still cannot wrap my head around why anyone is coming to her for relationship advice.

Then, to the sounds of parrots’ panicked chirps, Chris Bukowski, of the first season of Bachelor in Paradise, arrives. Chris is best known for leaving the show not only with a knee injury, but with another contestant, Elise, who had been dating him for one episode and decided it was enough to justify her jumping into the car and leaving paradise with him. While I couldn’t find a photo of Elise and Chris’s dramatic exit, I have to imagine it looked a lot like this:

Hello darkness, my old friend.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

While Chris considers who to ask out on a date, Amber and a very sunburned Justin go on a date. While Amber says she can feel some heat with Justin (that’s just his charbroiled skin) as they salsa dance, she concedes that she is still thinking about Dan. She decides that she will most likely give him a rose over Justin, which is good news for Justin who should probably get out of the sun immediately.

Court dismissed, send home the dancing lobster.

Court dismissed, send home the dancing lobster.

But when she returns that evening and admits to Dan that she and Justin kissed, Amber discovers that Dan is not sure he feels a strong enough connection with her. And deciding that he doesn’t want to “pull a Joe” and stick around just to meet other women, Dan lets Amber know that they should probably stop seeing each other.

Meanwhile, newcomer Chris is drunk to the point of almost catching on fire and offering to hook up with moms. Failing that, he’d accept Tenley, who he wants to give his date card to. But Tenley says she’d rather hang out and get to know him as a friend, saying, “I’m flattered, but I wouldn’t let you kiss me.”

To rub salt in the wound, Josh approaches a dejected Chris and asks if he can have his unused date card to ask Tenley out. As the two head to Guadalajara, Chris stumbles away from paradise and some intern gets heavy-handed with the b-roll to make it sound like Chris is hearing voices in his head. Because whoever is editing this show likes to pretend they’re a goddamn ventriloquist with all the extra soundtracks.

On their date, Tenley and Joshua go shopping at a local market with the chef who will be making their dinner (and whose restaurant is pimped so hardcore on this episode that the real love story here might be Chris Harrison’s with endorsement money). Predictably — and as is the case whenever people on this show leave the house — the two are incredibly white and embarrassing. Especially Joshua, who chokes on anything remotely spicy and eats way too much “arousing cheese.”

Back at the house, Dan suddenly announces to Carly that he likes Samantha. “It’s like the ocean is Samantha water, and people are drinkin’ it,” says Carly, and I just can’t.

But Ashley I is also torn up over a newfound connection: Amber and Jared. Even though Jared has expressed to Ashley I that he’s not interested, Ashley I says she’s making her own love story and inventing a new archetype by continuing to pursue him.

Because, you know, the "not taking no for an answer" archetype has definitely never been explored on this show before.

Because, you know, the “not taking no for an answer” archetype has definitely never been explored on this show before.

So when Amber tells Ashley I that she’s asked Jared if she can give him a rose, Ashley I starts to cry. “This is the worst experience of my life,” says Ashley I, which is coincidentally what most people say when meeting Ashley I.

Probably trying to save himself from going home, Dan admits to Samantha that he is interested in her. But Samantha still likes Joe. Undeterred, Dan attempts to bring up the whole Joe wronging Juelia thing.

At the rose ceremony, after the usual couples have paired up, Ashley S picks Nick. Then Ashley I surprises absolutely no one by picking Jared. With Jared out of the pool of available men, Amber settles for Justin.

The final rose of the night is Samantha’s. This is the point where I noticed that there was still a half an hour left to the episode. And in the same way that one teacher always goes right to the bell, you know Chris Harrison never lets you out early, so something was about to go down.

And lo and behold: Samantha picks Dan.

Naturally, Joe confronts Samantha and tells her that he treats her like a princess. I can only assume this is in the disturbing original fairy tale sense where the princess has the choice of getting married or being brutally murdered.

And in true “if I can’t have you, no one can” fashion, Joe tells his one true love that he has Sam’s text messages and he’s going to show the entire house — and all of America — that he has “nothing to hide, but you have so much to hide.” Then, he asks if Samantha’s still going to be with him, because he’s “the one.”

As in, "the one" she'll have to pick out of a police lineup.

As in, “the one” she’ll have to pick out of a police lineup.

After Joe shows Samantha’s texts to the camera, he drinks beer in his exit vehicle, which Demigod Chris Harrison allows to be aired because he is above the law. At the house, Tanner gets just as creepy about Samantha. Between calling her a chessmaster spider woman from hell and a praying mantis that rips men’s heads off after she’s done with them, Tanner’s also clearly got a lot of issues with Samantha picking Dan the Libra and effectively saving herself from Cartoon Villain Joe.

Everyone else can’t seem to understand Samantha’s fairly clear motivations either, and Ashley S asks if Dan was included in the guys Samantha talked to before she came here. “Sam,” Ashley S says, “you’re so beautiful, but I’m struck by your beauty, I’m just struck by what’s going on, you’re so pretty.”

“She’s like a dead bird to me,” Ashley S muses, and for once Ashley I correctly identifies a situation as awkward.

As Samantha walks off crying, Chelsea from Juan Pablo arrives, happily oblivious to what she’s walking into. Noticing her date card, Carly takes Chelsea aside the next morning to tell her about the pre-existing couples. And, in an effort to get Samantha out of the house, she tells her that Dan is very available.

On the next Bachelor in Paradise, a new girl comes to the house and Ashley I tries to take Jared into the fantasy suite in a last-ditch effort to force him into a relationship.

Ashley I Tear Tally: 1 for the night, 16 total.