Next week, a very sunburned man asks Amber on a date, Joe and Samantha continue to fight, and an old face returns to Bachelor in Paradise.

Bachelor in Paradise, Season 2 Episode 8 Recap

August 25, 2015 / by / 1 Comment

Tonight’s Bachelor in Paradise begins with the birth of a new friendship. Both spurned by the objects of their affection, Joe and Ashley I commiserate on the beach. But when Ashley I begins to cry, Joe says he’s “not a very emotional guy” and kind of backs away slowly like

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This only makes Ashley I start crying all over again, claiming that Jared has somehow “ruined her,” because Bachelor in Paradise takes place in the mid-1800s and a lady of her standing will simply never recover from such a scandal.

Fleeing the broken dam of Ashley I’s tears, Joe finds that the men of the house seem to have forgiven him. Or, at least, they feel bad that he was dumped by Samantha on his birthday. Inspired by his cast-mates’ vote of brotherly support, Joe says that he must persuade Samantha to own up to everything and set the record straight on how she has wronged everyone in the house, which is deeply ironic. And because this show is just one big misogynist witch hunt, the men forget Joe’s sins in order to gang up on Samantha.

Despite the fact that Joe thinks that Samantha is a vile and traitorous she-devil, he’d still like to have a relationship with her. And so he turns to the most tried-and-true method of seduction: blackmail. He’s got the text messages and he isn’t afraid to use them. According to Joe the Cartoon Character and just about every other precociously sexually-charged villain in a Disney movie, Samantha has two options: get engaged to him or suffer.

"I want to make it very known that I do have a cell phone," says Joe, and every other guy trying to impress chicks in 2001.

“I want to make it very known that I do have a cell phone,” says Joe, and every other guy trying to impress chicks in 2001.

That night, Kirk becomes upset that he doesn’t have a date with Carly, even though they just had a date last week (So, he takes her fishing and the two watch the sunset, which is actually rather cute). Instead, the date card for the evening goes to the recently-saved Juelia and the prodigal son Mikey T. The two head off on a date to Guadalajara, where they are sent to watch a Lucha Libre match. Although most would argue that wrestling is a weird choice for a first date, I’d say it’s the most appropriate for Bachelor in Paradise yet: it’s high drama, totally flamboyant and clearly faked for television.

After the arena has cleared out, Mikey T and Juelia leap into the ring for some play-wrestling and discover that although they have two rooms for the evening, they have the option to spend the night together. Because Amateur Sexpert Chris Harrison has decided to get a little trigger-happy with the fantasy suites and he’s mashing his little puppets together like a ten year old girl knocking her Barbies’ smooth, plastic genitals against each other.

Playing God is Chris Harrison's favorite game.

Playing God is Chris Harrison’s favorite game.

“It’s our first date,” Juelia emphasizes. But after Mikey T promises that he will be a gentleman, the two spend the night together in one suite.

Back at the house, Jorge the Bartender asks Ashley I why she cries at night. And she says she’s so lucky, she’s a star that it is because Jared has rejected her so cruelly. Taking pity upon this sad, sensitive sprinkler of a woman, Jorge the Bartender reminds her that this week it’s her choice and she can send him home. Bolstered by this news, Ashely I boasts that she hasn’t cried in three hours.

Why these tears come at night.

Why these tears come at night.

Seeing that it is now safe to approach and that the flood has been stopped up, Joe solicits Ashley I for advice on how to pursue Sam. Yes, you read that right. Joe is requesting that Ashley I — the human embodiment of a Cosmo sex tip — to help him talk to women. Ashley I suggests the totally fool-proof idea of having Joe pretend that he’s never met Sam before. After all, Sam said that she wanted a “fresh start.”

So Joe tries it out, and Samantha expectedly reacts as if he has absolutely lost it. Considering that he thought Ashley I would be a good resource, I’m inclined to agree with Samantha’s assessment.

But fortunately Samantha’s real fresh start has arrived in the form of Justin from Kaitlyn’s season. Perceiving that Justin may try to pull the moves on Samantha, Joe suggests that Justin ask out Jade or Tenley. But what’s really delusional here is that when Justin takes Samantha aside, Joe believes that he is using the alone time to talk about how Joe is a good guy and that Samantha should take him back. Instead of, you know, asking Samantha out.

And sure, he’s wearing a shirt so tight it looks painted on and he claims to be Joe’s friend, but she climbs aboard that situation so fast she’s like that selfish chick in Titanic.

Sink, bitch.

I won’t let go, Joe.

Realizing what has happened, Joe pulls Samantha aside. Frustrated, Samantha exclaims that she doesn’t want to deal with all the drama, a sentiment that is almost universally shared by the kind of people who are usually responsible for it. Joe begs Samantha to work on things, but she insists that she wants a fresh start.

“Start fresh with me, then!” Joe begs, and the episode ends on yet another cliffhanger.

Next week, a very sunburned man asks Amber on a date, Joe and Samantha continue to fight, and an old face returns to Bachelor in Paradise.

Ashley I Tear Tally: 2 for the night, 15 total.