The biggest deception of this season is not Joe and Sam's, but on the part of Chris Harrison, who has somehow convinced these people that they still have some modicum of privacy in this house.

Bachelor in Paradise, Season 2 Episode 6 Recap

August 17, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

Tonight on Bachelor in Paradise, even Chris Harrison’s intro voiceover is getting bleeped. That’s right, Drunken Sailor Chris Harrison would be here to say he’s pissed about what Joe did, but he’s too busy rubbing the money it made him all over his smooth little body.

But not turning a profit into misery, Juelia takes Samantha aside to tell her the truth about Joe. However, her facts aren’t totally straight. She claims that Joe asked her out before anybody but, I repeat, he more or less threw the date up in the air and she grabbed it. But glassy-eyed, day-drunk Samantha is not buying it when Juelia insists that she and Joe had something good going on before our little boozer turned up.

“It went from zero to hero in no time flat,” Juelia insists, literally quoting Hercules and not getting called out for it.

Bless her soul.

Yes, indeed.

Samantha, still unswayed, says that Joe should be around to hear these accusations leveled against him.

“I don’t want anything to be weird,” Juelia replies.

“Nothing’s weird,” says Samantha, in a room full of cameras, day-drinking with a group of women skipping out on their real adult lives to discuss a man in American flag shorts.

But the girls aren’t the only people in the house still worked up over Joe and Samantha. Tucked behind some trees, Jared and Tanner debrief on the situation. Jared reveals that Joe insisted that he had not spoken to Samantha, while Tanner alleges that Joe had shown him screenshots of text conversations with Samantha. In the messages, Tanner says, Samantha had given Joe orders to do whatever it took to stick around in paradise until she arrived.

This is how they keep busy.

Because there is nothing like two grown men hiding in the bushes and drinking mimosas while analyzing screenshots to tell me that paradise is otherwise really, really boring.

Ladies and gentlemen, Samantha is our kingpin. Joe has just been a pawn in a ploy to go on a romantic vacation to Mexico on Chris Harrison’s money, which I have to admit is absolutely brilliant. In one of the bedrooms, Samantha pulls Joe behind a bunk to strategize. They need to get their alibis straight, everyone in the house is seeing discrepancies in their stories. To the tune of what is absolutely the most bizarre soundtrack choice ever (kind of Blair Witch Project meets a xylophone), Samantha has Joe go over their story one more time until, oops, she realizes they’re not alone. That’s right. There’s a camera.

I have to say the biggest deception of this season is not Joe and Sam’s, but on the part of Chris Harrison, who has somehow convinced these people that they still have some modicum of privacy in this house.

Screen Shot 2015-08-17 at 10.24.38 PM

Well played, Harrison.

Meanwhile, Ashley S is so distraught over Dan breaking up with her that she has no appetite. But she is still sure that Dan might pick her, even though he has demonstrated that he has no interest anymore.

“I don’t see Dan giving a rose to anybody else here,” Ashley S says, which means we are about to meet the person getting his rose. And lo and behold, who arrives but Amber, the cast member that lets Aryan Prince Chris Harrison pretend he’s not racist. Apparently, she and Ashley S were best friends when they were on The Bachelor together, which according to reality television grammar means that she shall soon be betrayed.

After settling in, Amber asks Dan out on the date in a heartbeat. But Dan, the gentle and fair Libra, tells Amber he needs to talk to Ashley S first. So, he goes and apologizes to Ashley S for being awkward to her for the next few days. He’s basically a class act about the whole thing, but weirdly Ashley S doesn’t want him to be respectful about it. If he’s disinterested, she figures, he should just be rude to her.

“What makes me mad is the fact that you’re such a man but you couldn’t be a man to me,” says Ashley S, so I don’t even know what to do with this one. What I can deduce here is that basically that what Joe did was wrong and also what Dan did was wrong, so the error lies not in how you tell someone you’re disinterested in the person, but being disinterested in the first place. Which we saw with the newly-shorn Mikey T’s reaction to Clare’s rejection of him, so basically what’s going on here is that if you’re not into the person, you’re a big meanie and paradise is actually just preschool.

Speaking of toddlers, Tenley and Joshua are back comparing hands again, so their hand-based romance hasn’t really grown up, either.

Meanwhile, JJ and Megan head off on their date on a boat. When asked about his travels, JJ reveals that he’s been to Cabo twice for spring break, to the surprise of no one. And though he decides that he and Megan are “different intellectually,” he is content with the fact that he likes Megan enough to feel a connection there, or at least cop a feel here and there.

You'd best believe they didn't eat any of that.

Of course they didn’t eat any of that.

Back at the house, while Dan walks the beach in a suit, Ashley S tells Juelia that she feels disrespected. The two bond about being rejected in two very different ways by two very different dudes. Deciding that she needs to surround herself with people that make her happy, Ashley S starts talking to and playing with the parrots. She’s made a new bird friend, a girl named Juanita, which means that her days on this show are numbered because Chris Harrison is kind of weird about gay stuff.

But she talks to a producer about Juanita, the bird poops in her hand and she responds neutrally. Though considering what Samantha had her hand on in the hot tub yesterday, I understand Ashley S’s serene reaction: bird shit was definitely the less nauseating option.

Because the bird in your hand beats the hand in a bush.

Because the bird in your hand beats the hand in a bush.

On their date, Amber reveals to Dan that she’s had a crush on him since Desiree’s season, which begs the question of why do all these people have crushes on each other since other people’s season? Is this really the only dating pool available to them? Then for some reason Dan takes Amber up a ladder, tries not to look up her skirt, and is persuaded by some people on the street to kiss her. Yes, people on the street.

“I was going to make a concerted effort not to make out tonight and I couldn’t help myself,” Dan admits.

So, they kiss. Then there’s fireworks, which after this show I encourage everyone to buy stock in right before anything Chris Harrison produces starts filming.

With Dan no longer a viable option, Ashley S starts playing with a crab. While the whole house is upset about Ashley S’s mental state, I’m angrier that this show has done everything to draw out that stupid raccoon joke, but hasn’t made a single decent crab-related double entendre.

However, instead of confronting Ashley S, the gang decides their efforts are better spent on Joe. “The big thing that came out today was that Joe had talked to Sam prior to paradise,” says Tanner, meta-recapping to JJ after he returns from his date with Megan. JJ takes offense to this, and then proceeds to make the weirdest mixed metaphor involving circular references and straight edges to explain Joe before deciding the group should confront him once more because the other hundred times worked so swimmingly. Readers, I swear to you, if this show just becomes the repeated follies of trying to confront Joe, the raccoon and I are out of here.

“Juelia wasted her rose,” says Tanner, quoting some purity ring pamphlet, probably.

Overcome by the intensity of the situation, JJ rises and stares meaningfully at Joe like he’s either about to punch him in the face or make out with him and I bet you can guess which option I’m rooting for.

JJ will forever be

Some Annie Proulx shit up in here.

To my disappointment, JJ threatens to knock Joe’s teeth out, and the episode ends on another cliffhanger, which somebody needs to tell Chris Harrison ceases to be dramatic when every episode ends that way.

Ashley I Tear Tally: Another tearless night. But fear not, she cries on three separate occasions in the preview for next week alone. Just the preview.

Best Thing To Have In Your Hand: The bird.

Thing I’ll Be Flipping At This Show If The Raccoon Comes Back: The bird.