Bachelor in Paradise, Season 2 Episode 12 Recap

September 09, 2015 / by / 1 Comment

The finale of Bachelor in Paradise felt a little like it was directed by Peter Jackson: a snoozy barrage of b-roll that included lots of walking, lots of gazing meaningfully out at the ocean. I mean, half of this episode was just people staring at water.

It’s time for the castaways to decide whether or not they want to take their relationships out of paradise, and Kirk and Carly’s failed relationship hangs like a specter over the existing couplings. As a reminder, all the entertaining people (cough-Ashley I-cough) are gone, and now it’s just literally the most boring humans left talking about how they’re scared about leaving paradise. Everybody’s got a date today ending in a fantasy suite, which leads most of the contestants to agonize over how fast their relationship escalators are accelerating. And between that and Everybody’s Mother Chris Harrison’s imploring that the cast needs to keep marriage in mind, it’s no wonder that these people who already struggle with normal relationships are mostly floundering.

Tenley keeps a notebook of buzzphrases because I guess that helps.

Tenley keeps a notebook of buzzphrases because I guess that helps.

The dates were profoundly boring, but here goes:

  • Before heading to the fantasy suite with Samantha, Nick says there’s value to his relationship with Samantha because they’d been texting for three months leading up to the show. And look, buddy, that’s great but she’s been texting everybody from Joe to Clare’s raccoon, so don’t waste your data plan on this one.
  • Single mother Cassandra considers that if she turns down the fantasy suite, it could ruin stuff with Justin, who she literally met a few days ago. (This is kind of bullshit. But this is the show that says sex fixes everything.) Justin wants Cassandra to let her guard down, but Cassandra says she has to think about her son and that the fantasy suite is inappropriate. “I do have to set a good example for my son,” says a two-time reality television contestant.
  • Tenley says she has enjoyed her time with Joshua, but that she wants to be realistic with him. Still, they go to a fantasy suite.
  • On their date, Most Boring Couple Ever Tanner and Jade spend the entire time talking about the fact that other couples might break up. Then, Jade and Tanner say they love each other and take off for the fantasy suite because nothing gets them hotter than imagining other couples’ demise.

Everyone returns the day after fantasy suites, which is an actual accomplishment here. Chris Harrison emerges and implores the couples to take this last rose ceremony seriously, because giving a rose means being committing to a life together outside of paradise.

Or, you know, at least keep it together until you get in the limo.

This makes the couples even more anxious and the audience is treated to another twenty minutes of people staring pensively out windows and over balconies at the ocean. During her contemplation, Tenley determines that she wouldn’t be able to see Joshua until September. That’s two months, or the better part of a century in reality television time.

At the rose ceremony, Justin gives Cassandra a rose, probably because they haven’t had enough time to get sick of each other.

Then Nick offers Samantha rose, saying “you’re going to cause me to die of suffocation, because you literally take my breath away.” Nick deserves to be left behind in the jungle with Chris Harrison for that one, but Samantha accepts.

“Nick was the one the whole time, it just took me a little bit to see that,” Samantha muses, mostly because his Goldman Sachs Aryan Prince haircut made him blend into the sand.

Things aren’t so easy for every couple, though. Tenley and Joshua are concerned about living in different states, but Joshua decides he’s committed to staying together. Then Tenley says Joshua restored her hope for finding a great love but BYE. That’s it, really.

The final couple is Tanner and Jade. Tanner, after staring out over the ocean for entirely too long, says he can’t give Jade the rose. There’s a requisite dramatic pause before he explains that what they have is worth so much than a rose. Then, he proposes to her, which must be what bought food for the other residents of paradise on the past few episodes. A noble sacrifice, Tanner. A noble sacrifice indeed.

After weeks of starvation at the hands of Chris Harrison, a ravenous Tanner barely restrains himself from eating his beloved's face.

After weeks of starvation at the hands of Chris Harrison, a ravenous Tanner barely restrains himself from eating his beloved’s face.

The other couples cheer from the porch and join the newly engaged pair on the beach. “We brought champagne,” says Cassandra to a woman she literally met a few days ago, and a couple that met each other about a month ago celebrates their engagement in the company of strangers.

In the closing montage, we discover JJ is still single, Ashley I is still not over Jared, Jared is still not over Kaitlyn, Jade and Tanner are still engaged, and Chris Harrison is still allowed to work in television. As for your loyal recapper, she’s still alive. Thanks for accompanying me through paradise, dear readers, I know you’re all here for the right reasons.