Bachelor in Paradise, Season 2 Episode 11 Recap

September 06, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

On the first night of the two-part finale of Bachelor in Paradise, Chris Harrison foretells that we will witness the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history. But like cliffhangers and Ashley I’s tears, the promise of “the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history” loses its power and just becomes comical when we see it week after week. However, this week’s rose ceremony has the weird honor of making me jealous in a way that none other has before, mostly because half of the cast went home and no longer have to deal with this chickenshit show.

But well before the rose ceremony, the first to leave this episode is Juelia, after Mikey T breaks up with her and gallantly brushes some loose snot from her nose. A heartbroken Juelia then runs down the beach and leaves paradise with just a small backpack.

Later, Jaclyn informs the group that she’s going to die over her date card, and we can really only hope. Jaclyn turns to Justin because he lives nearby and would be the most feasible to continue a relationship after paradise, which is honestly maybe one of the most salient reasons to go on a date that I’ve heard thus far here.

“What could possibly go wrong?” asks Jaclyn, which means something is about to go wrong.

And here comes Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season, who takes no time to ask Justin out on the date. Justin decides that he and Cassandra have single-parenthood in common and that she is probably a better option to date, so he goes and turns Jaclyn down. After being rejected by both Jared and Justin for this date, a frustrated Jaclyn exclaims, “so I didn’t get knocked up when I was nineteen” and it’s pretty clear that the only way to be successful on Bachelor in Paradise is having a kid or talking to raccoons.

Even Jillian's black butt bar doesn't want her, Jaclyn's stuck with just a generic blur. 

Even Jillian’s black butt bar doesn’t want her, Jaclyn’s stuck with just a generic blur.

After a night in the fantasy suite, Ashley I and Jared return to the house and everyone wants to know if Ashley I lost her virginity how it went. “It was good,” Jared says, and the women are perplexed because finally someone isn’t oversharing.

“I would definitely wager that she’s still a virgin,” says Jaclyn, “if she’s not then it definitely wasn’t good.”

Don't worry, Carly. I'm just as unsettled by Ashley I's sudden streak of maturity.

Don’t worry, Carly. I’m just as unsettled by Ashley I’s sudden streak of maturity.

With Jaclyn out of options, Nick decides to swoop in and try to get Jaclyn’s date card to ask Samantha on the date. This already takes some pretty big cajones, but consider this: on Bachelor Pad, which is Bachelor in Paradise’s unfortunately-discontinued Machiavellian cousin — Nick wronged Jaclyn not once, but twice. First, by voting Jaclyn out of the running for the big $250,000 prize, and then second, by snatching the money from Jaclyn’s best friend when he opted to keep it all for himself rather than share it with the woman he was dating.

I miss this show.

I miss this show.

But Nick is here to say he’s a changed man, and he believes that Samantha could be the one for him. “Honesty is a new look on you,” Jaclyn tells Nick, but that’s just the sunburn. She decides to make Nick humiliate himself for the date card, which consists of Nick just rolling around in the sand.

Even though Nick has his date card and his date has accepted, everyone’s got a problem with Samantha. Tanner calls her a seductress, while the girls occupy their otherwise boring afternoon with gossiping about her. “She doesn’t know what the word ‘love’ means,” says Carly, a woman who ditched her brother’s wedding to go find a relationship on reality television.

Meanwhile, Cassandra and Justin have a good date. I really don’t have anything else to say about these dates when they go well besides they lack substance, they end in kissing and they’re essentially just extended tourism advertisements.

Back at the house, Ashley I says she loves watching Jared sleep and that she’s in love with him, so that brief glimmer of maturity has faded. But Jared says he was hopeful that the way he felt about Ashley I would change, because that’s a good reason to have sex (maybe?) with somebody. So Jared decides that he should end their courtship.

Although it’s not the breakup that sends Ashley I into her usual fit of sobs, Ashley I instead cries because Jared “made her realize the total package exists,” and his perfection makes her cry all over again during an interview with the show’s producers. Again, she’s talking about a grown man who dresses like a superhero and thought a thirty-four year old woman was ancient. And Love Man realizes that it’s time for him to go, his people need him.

"She's not suffering anymore and that's the most important thing," says Jared, recycling the eulogy from his aunt's funeral, probably. 

“She’s not suffering anymore and that’s the most important thing,” says Jared, recycling the eulogy from his childhood dog’s funeral, probably.

With Jared gone, Nick and Samantha head off on their date, which involves the two of them being cooked for by a professional chef. Yeah, you read that right. They’re being fed again, which really honestly makes me wonder what deal the cast struck with Paradise Prison Warden Chris Harrison that they’re being fed now.

“I may have won $250,000o on Bachelor Pad, but nothing beats being out with Sam,” says Joe, a man who received a quarter of a million dollars but for some reason still can’t afford sunscreen or a decent haircut.

Then, Nick and Samantha somehow perform simultaneously the most audible, yet chaste, kisses on each other’s faces as Samantha tries to buy her spot in the rose ceremony from Nick.

Turns out that was a good move on Samantha’s part, as Chris Harrison has canceled the cocktail party because he’s the meanest dad ever. So it’s straight into the rose ceremony, but not before Ashley I decides to leave paradise because she wants to find someone else like Jared. Then Ashley I cries again and claims she grew up on Bachelor in Paradise which is, uh, debatable.

“Yesterday I cried about Jared, this morning I cried about Jared, and tomorrow I’ll cry about Jared, and I had a great experience,” Ashley I says without a touch of irony.

While crying in the car, Ashley I calls her sister Lauren, who I bet you all forgot by now.

“Were you in love with Jared?” Lauren asks.

“No, but like, close enough,” Ashley I replies, which should be the new tagline for the entire Bachelor franchise.

At the rose ceremony, Kirk asks Carly to accept his rose, Tanner asks Jade, Nick asks Samantha, Joshua asks Tenley and Justin asks Cassandra. Then Dan says there’s a few things he wants to say first and, oh boy, here we go. He addresses the women one by one, then decides to depart.

Then Mikey T (who is still here, apparently) asks Mackenzie to accept his rose. Mackenzie’s like ‘nah, I can’t.’ And so Mikey T tells the other sad, single women that he sees no other options and leaves, which means all the remaining women go home.

Didn't you know, Mikey T? Mackenzie's "Mexican citizens" married.

Didn’t you know, Mikey T? Mackenzie’s “Mexican citizens” married.

With only ten people left in paradise, Kirk says he’s uneasy by the lack of people around, but the abundance of cameras is apparently just fine. To remind Kirk that he’s never truly alone, Chris Harrison emerges from the jungle, which I can really only imagine is where he lives, subsisting on the local fauna like a well-dressed chupacabra. Chris tells the cast that there’s no more new arrivals, and the next week is about figuring out if the relationships on the show can exist outside of paradise. And because Chris Harrison likes to make his Barbies kiss, every couple will be going on one-on-one dates, with fantasy suites and all.

Although Carly is glad Kirk picked her, she expresses to the other women that Kirk thanked her for being vulnerable, but she wishes he were vulnerable back. Turns out that ‘vulnerability’ was Carly expressing to Kirk that she was ready to have his children, which pretty reasonably alarmed Kirk.

“Me and Kirk will definitely make it through the end of paradise,” says Carly, which means they’re definitely about to break up.

And like clockwork, Kirk confronts Carly for her over-investment in a relationship that’s barely a month old. Carly refuses to have the conversation and says she wants to go home, because no one on this show wants to disagree or communicate. So, Carly cries over Kirk’s behavior, then Jade inexplicably cries because she hasn’t gotten enough attention this season or something, then Kirk cries because this breakup was hard on him, then I cry because I’ve wasted so many hours on these people.

The episode ends with Kirk and Carly leaving paradise, and promises that the next episode will bring more drama, more breakups, and a proposal.

Ashley I Tear Tally: 4 this episode, rounding out our grand total of 20 for the season.