This is how the LeBron James ‘Space Jam’ sequel should go down
Space Jam is getting a sequel, with LeBron James once again teaming up with a squad of stars whose career primes occurred long ago in an attempt at intergalactic basketball dominance.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, LeBron and Fast & Furious
car exploder director Justin Lin are joining forces to recreate one of the most pure and true pop cultural artifacts of your 90s childhood.
Assuming that a murder of Minions aren’t shoe-horned into the upcoming sequel somehow, this can only be a great thing. Here’s how it should all go down:
A sadistic, smug, and vaguely anti-semitic caricature Dan Gilbert replaces Danny DeVito’s sadistic, smug, and vaguely anti-semitic caricature Mr. Swackhammer as the owner of an increasingly decrepit entertainment venue in the desolate outpost of Cleveland. Desperate for a new source of entertainment or a reliable perimeter swingman, Gilbert sends his crew of diminutive minions — led by the meepy Kevin Love and the conniving Tyronn Lue — into the Netflix servers in search of an endless supply of IP to feature in Gilbert’s Quicken Loans® Moron Mountain entertainment district.
While crashing a party at BoJack Horseman’s house, Lue and Love try to bring a group of characters back to Quicken Loans® Moron Mountain, but are rebuffed by the incredulous Netflix dwellers, who jokingly challenge the invaders to a game of basketball for their freedom, to be broadcast on an upcoming 30 For 30 doc.
Meanwhile, LeBron James is enjoying his offseason of banana boating with Chris Paul and Dwyane Wade while subtweeting his teammates, when all the sudden he’s sucked into the center of the Netflix servers. There he’s recruited by the characters to play on their behalf for their freedom against the invaders, who have mysteriously developed the skill set of current NBA players.
As LeBron helps his motley assortment of Netflix-hosted characters to learn how to play basketball as a team — and learns a little something about himself in the process — shenanigans ensue leading up to and throughout the final game:
Steph Curry — Steph has to be in this. LeBron already sees him as an existential threat to his sense of being, and he isn’t that far from looking the part either.
Delonte West — Never let us forget that Delonte West had sex with LeBron’s mother while he was James’ teammate in Cleveland. That’s a 100% Monstar move right there.
Russell Westbrook — Doggggggg Monstar Russ would mess shit up on the court in a game with these kind of stakes. Plus Russ is already basically a Monstar, so this doesn’t take too much of a logical leap.
Carmelo Anthony — Melo’s going to bitch to his agent and LeBron’s management group just enough to make sure the Monstars give up valuable assets to get him in a Monstars uni.
Dwight Howard — Dude already acts like his skill set has been zapped by an alien mercenary. Also he’s got like 8 kids which is a super Monstar move.
Boogie Cousins — We all know that Adam Silver is already lobbying Lin to give future-face-of-the-league Anthony Davis a starring role, but the 4-slot is all Boogie. There is literally no man (save maybe an irate Draymond Green) more willing to flagrantly foul a grandmother than Boogie and then have a verbal altercation with his coach (who in all likelihood is Rick Carlisle in this scenario, because say what you will about Rick Carlisle, you can’t deny that he’s an asshole who wants to win).
Blake Griffin — Look, no matter where the rest of the NBA is going, the Monstars are going big, and there’s just no way to get around that. Blake will make a valuable addition to the team, as he’s already shown that he has no compunction about punching an equipment manager if that’s what it takes. Besides, it’s not like the Monstars have an entire series that they need to win here.
Draymond Green — As one of the few NBA players that both looks and plays like a Monstar, Dray is a perfect fit for this team. He learned how to set perfect illegal screens from the Garnett school of Pick and Rolls, learned how to talk trash from a DMX prison mixtape, and how to eat from a post-Miami Shaq. Dray is a warrior on the outside, but a true Monstar on the inside.
OTHER ASSORTED NBA PERSONALITIES
Charles Barkley — Makes several appearances on TNT to decry that in his day the Monstars never would have survived in the more physical era of 90s basketball.
James Harden — Completely unfazed when Dwight Howard’s talent gets stolen, Harden continues playing his game per usual.
Kobe Bryant — Cursory old guy who expresses relief that he wasn’t playing when the Monstars stole everybody’s talent, although it’s secretly just because he’s a little jealous that the Monstars didn’t pick him.
Joey Crawford as Marvin The Martian — This will be especially entertaining when Crawford ejects Jessie Pinkman halfway through the first for calling him a bitch from the bench.
Michael Scott as Bugs Bunny — The plot needs to be moved forward, and I want to watch Michael tell LeBron that he bet James’ freedom on a basketball game against a ‘roided up, purple version of Draymond Green.
Duck Dynasty’s Duck Commander as Daffy Duck — It fits, right?
Leslie Knope as Tweety Bird — She’s super cheery, and when the Monstars are up by like 5 million at the half she’ll give some inspiring speech about how Pawnee also overcame terrible odds to be the somewhat better shithole it is today.
Lana Kane as Lola Bunny — I mean duh. But if you want them both in the movie then by all means go for it.
Frank Underwood as Kevin Spacey — Don’t let the blustery Southern accent fool you — they’re both more powerful than you know, and aren’t afraid to engage in a brutal series of one-upmanship.
Steve Buscemi as Pepe Le Pew — Critically underrated, but still too weird to get respect on their own.
Rafi as the Tasmanian Devil — This is mostly just so that Jason Mantzoukas can make jokes about pooping and having sex with Lana.
Aziz Ansari as Porky Pig — He’s the only guy who can take Porky’s blazer/no pants combo and make it work.
Bill Murray as Bill Murray — Nobody’s taking this from Bill Murray. Nobody.
Louis C.K. as Stan Podolak — Lazy Eastern European references aside, I mostly just want to see Louis C.K. try to convince LeBron James to do something, anything. To be fair, Kevin Hart has been preparing for this role for virtually his entire life, but as much as I’d like to see Hart get flattened and then turned into a human balloon and then fart himself back in shape, I’d just so, so, so much rather see C.K. do that.
Amy Schumer as LeBron’s on-again, off-again girlfriend living in Brooklyn — Because sometimes all you need to finally be happy is to clean up your act, stop doing the things that you love, and settle for the right guy, even if he happens to be a gambling addict who’s currently playing for his life while defying the laws of cartoon physics while trapped inside a virtual world.
LeBron’s Special Stuff — Anti-balding ointment.
Khloe Kardashian — At the behest of LeBron and his teammates, Khloe successfully seduces several members of the Monstars to sap them of their talent.
Beyonce — Performs her new hit single “Death To White Men, All Hail Our Satanic Liberal Overlord Queen Hillary” at halftime, setting off a torrent of conservative hot takes.
Spike Lee — Sits courtside, because he finally wanted to watch a relevant basketball game.
This might be the hardest part to nail of the whole movie, considering every rapper who’s ever texted 40 is going to be trying to get on this record. Some suggestions:
“I Believe I Can Fly” — Because you can’t not have R. Kelly in the sequel soundtrack.
“Kobe Bryant” — Lil Wayne also needs to have a cameo here.
“Winning Streak” — Twista feat. Carlos Boozer. Hahahaha wait no just kidding.
“Jumpman” — Pretty self explanatory. But Lin needs to pan to a crying Jordan on the sidelines.
“Father Stretch My Hands” — Kanye won’t admit it, but this song was written about growing up dreaming of being able to dunk from halfcourt while being tackled down to earth by cartoons before returning to lose to the Orlando Magic in the NBA playoffs.
“Basketball Jones” — But covered by Drake, because Drake is almost certainly very lonely and feeling pretty isolated/emotional about his relationship with basketball.
“March Madness” — Future, what could be better than a drugged up Future singing to a bunch of kids at halftime? Dabbing, taking a sip of promethazine, shouting negative things about Ciara and pretending it’s a joke but really Marvin’s Room has Future feelin’ some type of way — it would be perfect.
LeBron leads the team to an amazing come-from-behind victory, using the mysterious laws of film to unlock the secret to winning with one star player and four banged up role players. James’ team covers against the spread, the NBA players are returned their talent, and Dan Gilbert pens a grief-stricken letter in Comic Sans MS.
Obviously the real ending to this has to be nice and family friendly, something for the kids.
But the alternate, ending produced by Kanye West, shows that the soundtrack was actually made by the Monstars and was being used to psychologically manipulate the crowd and the Tune Squad. Instead of taking LeBron’s Secret Stuff, his teammates end up railing lines of coke off of Lana. Aziz is in the corner mainlining some heroin right into his face and starts singing Stairway to Heaven with Louis C.K. The Tune Squad enters the fourth quarter absolutely blitzed out of their minds. When the coach tells Kevin Spacey to get in the game he just goes and jerks off in front of the scorer’s table instead of actually entering.
Ultimately, the Tune Squad is disqualified so the Monstars win and Draymond does the nasty with Amy Schumer.