If These GOP Presidential Candidates Were Rap Songs of 2015
We determined which hip hop song of 2015 was most applicable to these six Republican presidential candidates because, if we’re being honest, we just really needed something enjoyable to laugh about with these candidates.
Jeb Bush – “Hotline Bling” by
Drake Aubrey Graham
This one’s easy, since it doesn’t feel like real rap, but it’s comfortable. Your mom’s heard the song, your uncle’s danced to it at your barbecue and it’s all too reminiscent of a shitty ex – just like Jeb Bush. Drake’s crew forgot to send in Hotline Bling for Grammy consideration the same way voters will forget to vote for “Jeb!”
Ted Cruz – “F.U.N.” by Pitbull
This isn’t rap, and Ted Cruz isn’t actually a good candidate.
“F.U.N.” has a catchy beat to lure you in, the same way Cruz likes to read Dr. Seuss to continue the GOP trend of treating others in a pedantic manner. However, when you hear Pitbull rhyme the word “everywhere” with itself three times in a row, you realize “F.U.N.” might lack substance, much like Cruz’s 340-page book that has only 66 citations (most of which are quotes). The first time you were listening to “F.U.N.” was when you were drunk on Fireball (coincidentally another Pitbull song) and then you were sober and realized that, much like buying Pitbull’s music, voting for Ted Cruz is an awful fucking idea.
Ben Carson – “How Much a Dollar Cost” by Kendrick Lamar
This song chronicles Kendrick’s journey in South Africa, during which he’s asked by a homeless man for 10 Rand (approx. $1) and he declines because the man smells like crack. This is similar to the time when a man without insurance came to Ben Carson for emergency medical care and Carson declined because the man looked poor and Muslim. Kendrick’s story then continues with the homeless man nudging Kendrick to reflect on the Bible, after which Kendrick realizes that his selfishness played a large role in helping him achieve his dreams. Then, as he continues speaking to the homeless man, he starts to feel bad about having not given him a dollar, and the homeless man reveals himself as God. Despite Kendrick trying to repent, God tells him it’s too late and that this dollar has cost him a place in heaven. Similarly, when the Muslim patient was rejected by Carson, he tried to cite a passage from the Qu’ran, but Carson thought he was cheering for the 9/11 attacks and stabbed him in the face.
Most of that isn’t true, but Carson is still “How much a dollar cost.” It’s actually because Carson is incapable of doing proper math and really doesn’t know the proper value of a post-inflation adjusted dollar. He’s legitimately asking you “how much does a dollar cost?”
Marco Rubio – “Watch Me“ by Silento
White people think this is a rap song the same way the GOP thinks Rubio is accessible to minorities. “Watch Me” was written by a young artist who took on a flashy beat and made a song about what seems like a new dance move, the same way Rubio comes off as having fresh ideas. However, it’s really just a rehash of old moves from the mid-2000s before dance tracks went off the deep end. You get where I’m going with this.
Rubio has some classic qualities we saw in pre-Gran Torino John McCain, and much like the whip/nae-nae, all age ranges can understand the appeal of Rubio. But we’d be fine without the stanky leg, just like we’d be fine without Rubio’s anti-Iran/Cuba policies.
John Kasich – “Where Ya At” by Future
If the GOP primary was an anthology, it would be Future’s, because nobody knows what the hell is actually being said but goddamn does it provide some good entertainment. In all the noise behind other candidates repeatedly shouting “Igotdadigituhdesh,” Kasich often makes sense and is starting to garner steam, so now he’s asking “where ya ass was at when I was creating jobs in Ohio?” But just like “Where Ya At,” Kasich will get buried by the next person who shouts ‘Jumpan’ fifty times in a row because that shit’s lit.
Donald Trump – You waited the entire article for this one. You even googled “who is John Kasich” before you got to this, hoping he’d be here, and now — reluctantly — he is. Trump is a poison, and I don’t want to write about him, but ignoring your problems doesn’t make them go away, so here goes:
“Norf Norf” by Vince Staples
Vince is a former gang-banger from Long Beach, so he doesn’t give a fuck about what you think, much like Trump thinks all minorities are gang-bangers/rapists and tries to keep them out of his hotels despite what you may think. This song starts out with over-the-top aggressive lyrics: “bitch you thirsty please grab some Sprite,” in the same over-the-top manner in which Trump begins the day by reminding you how badly he wants to bang his daughter. Staples says “One wrong word, start bustin,” a line constantly tested by Trump. Despite multiple wrong words, often in written and video form, Trump has yet to have any acts of physical aggression aimed towards him.
The hook to this song is “I ain’t never ran from nothin’ but the police,” which has no relation to Trump since he can likely buy off authorities, but this line is hard as shit and deserves respect. Vince then says, “Cut class cause it wasn’t ’bout cash, School wasn’t no fun, couldn’t bring my gun”; similarly, Trump has a lot of cash but absolutely no class. I assume that UPenn students didn’t carry guns to class but I’m sure that will change once Brooks Brothers makes a tweed-coated holster.