DJ Khaled’s Christmas Shopping Guide
It’s ya boi, DJ Khaled and if you smart and you the best, then you gon get the right Christmas present for those loved ones.
Ya Moms – We The Best Diamond Encrusted Cutting Board. Your moms ain’t just some lady, she’s a chef, but she ain’t no chef, she’s an artist, and also she’s ya moms. If you want the best food, you gotta get the We The Best cutting board. You ever cut meat on diamonds before? Probably not, because you’re poor and they want you to be poor. This will make the meat taste better and sometimes a little diamond gets in ya food which will eventually make your doo-doo sparkle. You need this if you wanna eat right, and trust me they don’t want you to eat.
Ya Pops – If you’re a winner and you’re successful your pops helped make you who you are today. He helped you eat your first starfruit, which you love cuz that shit is delicious. So now it’s your turn to help your dad bless up with the one thing that all Arab fathers own – a 4 ounce bottle of Armani cologne. If you want your pops to be the best, he’s gotta smell nice, and they don’t want you to smell nice. Trust me.
Ya Brother – You appreciate your brother, he’s changed A LOT. He was there for you when doors was closed, when they kept saying shit to put you down and make sure you didn’t succeed, cuz they don’t want you to succeed trust me. But ya brother helped you take off the doors and rip the hinges, then you put the hinges in the fuccboi hands. Now you gotta take those hinges outta the fuccboi hands and make em gold plated then give em back to your brother. Now he got gold plated hinges that he can use as like cufflinks or something, or as like dope ass hinges. You are welcome.
Ya sister – She’s an angel, she’s there with you when you stay winnin no matter what. You gotta get your sister a house. Maybe you thinkin, “Khaled I’m poor,” “Khaled I can’t even afford a house for myself,” but this shit ain’t about you stop bein selfish this is about getting a house for your sister. Go down to a bank and get a predatory loan or something, spending other people’s money is a key to success. If you can’t get a loan to get your sister a house then you should get her some good face wash because keeping your face clean is also a major key to success.
The homie who cleans your Rolls Royce – “Another 1” T-Shirt and Flip Flops to constantly remind him how many more cars he has left to clean. The path to success isn’t full of dirty ass cars.
Ya Lady – You smart. You real smart. Which means if you wanna touch ya lady’s lady bits you gotta shop smart too. A bamboo tree is perfect for the lady in your life. Celebrate success right with a bamboo tree, it provides you luck and if Jackie Chan and pandas like bamboo, you can too. You want joy in your life? Make sure to get ya lady a bamboo tree and plant at least one new bamboo each week. Every week you should put in a bottle of Ciroc in there with each new bamboo. Watch the tree grow together, I promise they don’t want you to grow a tree with ya lady. Trust me.
Ya Side Ho – She the one you text at 2 A.M. when all ya lady wants is cuddles, so you gotta show love but she on the side so you can’t show too much love. The best thing to get her is a Netflix subscription, and let her provide the chills. Ain’t got a side ho? Congratulations, you played yourself.