There’s A Court Case About Gollum In Turkey Because God Loves Us

December 02, 2015 / by / 0 Comment

The Associated Press reported this morning that Bilgin Ciftci, a Turkish doctor recently accused of defaming President Recep Tayyip Erdogan by comparing him to Gollum on social media, has had his trial adjourned until February 23 while a panel of psychological and cinematic experts determine whether Gollum is actually good or evil.

First of all, let’s just address the fact that this is the most amazing goddamn thing to ever happen. A court case involving one of the most powerful men in the world is being whittled down to micro-analyzing lines like “What’s taters, precious?” and “The rock and pool / is nice and cool / so juicy sweet.”

Secondly, it feels obligatory to point out that Turkey’s freedom of expression is so hampered by Erdogan that lawyers feel they have better chances of proving Gollum — who, let’s not forget, tried to feed two hobbits to a spider before biting one of their fingers off — is an inherently decent character.

Thirdly, if Ciftci is “proven” guilty in this case, I will personally call on Obama to release the following statement to Erdogan:

Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Erdogan? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends.

Fourthly, in my own educated opinion, I believe this has to come down to a semantic argument. Gollum is evil, but Smeagol is not. Did Ciftci reference which of Gollum’s personalities was comparable to Erdogan?

Regardless of the outcome of this trial, we should all feel grateful and blessed to be living in a day and age in which Turkish courts psychoanalyze Tolkien characters to gain insight into arguments.