5 Sports Movie Pitches Based on the Current State of Football

September 22, 2014 / by / 33 Comments

It is a momentous time in both the NCAA and the NFL. The NCAA is increasingly under pressure to dramatically alter its contractual standing with student-athletes, and the NFL is increasingly under pressure to acknowledge the existence of women as sentient beings. Verily, it is a historic moment in sports through which we are living right now. And what happens to historic moments in sports? Hollywood shows up and sticks their grimy, merchandising hands into it to make a dime-a-dozen shitty inspirational movie out of it — especially if there’s a White Savior protagonist to be had (and almost inevitably cast as Dennis Quaid). So one must ask: what sort of cinematic bullshit could Hollywood wring out of the uninspiring cesspool of needless politics that is the current state of professional and collegiate football?

The Replacements: One Fateful Saturday

An unprecendented prequel to the 2000 film The Replacements, this film follows the inspiring story of quarterback Shane Falco (still played by Keanu Reeves, somehow). In the original movie, we learned that Falco botched his last game at quarterback at Ohio State and subsequently failed in the pros before being given a second chance by Coach Jimmy McGinty (Gene Hackman). What we didn’t know, however, is that Falco actually transferred to OSU his senior year from Florida State. This film traces his journey: from being a walk-on at Florida State, to being a third-stringer, then a back-up, and finally getting to start one game against Clemson because the QB1 repeatedly shouted “fuckin’ her right in the pussy” in the student union.

12 Years A Student Athlete

Justin French thought his days of student-athlete status were over; he had just graduated high school as a top recruit and was headed to play for Missouri. Upon his arrival, he was mortified to learn that he was about to enter another four years of servitude to his cruel overlord, James Franklin, and the latter’s boss, the draconian Mark Emmert. This motivating, inspiring, and at times heartwrenching story tells the tale of French’s struggle against the system that treated him with such inhumane unfairness, and his attempts to depose its tyrannical rule through nitpicking definitions in labor laws.

Forrest Goodell

All his life, NFL Commissioner Forrest Goodell has been told he’s not good enough. As a kid, he was bullied for being “irresponsible” and “a money-grubbing soulless cocksmoothie.” As an adult, he was told he was “the unmistakeable end of football,” “a human tragedy by his own existence,” and “the worst NFL commissioner of the past, present, and future.” But Forrest Goodell teaches himself to rise above what people say about him and forge a beautiful story of his own, somehow finding himself centrally involved in every memorable tragedy of his generation.

The Longest Yard 2

Star NFL running back Ray Rice is sent to prison for domestic violence and is quickly threatened by the warden to either put together a football team for the guards to practice against or face extra prison time. Rice hesitantly accepts the offer, but then is elated to learn that there are 75 former Pro Bowlers at the prison. The remainder of the movie follows Rice’s difficult, heartbreaking struggle to cut the team of ex-stars down to 53 men.

Pittsburgh Express

The NFL season is starting soon, but there’s still time left for two buddy-buddy running backs — Le’veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount — to have a little fun before their first preseason game. Smoking some of the most extravagant weed in Western Pennsylvania, the two man embark on a rambunctious warpath of trouble and hilarity. Until, of course, they both get arrested, for possession of marijuana and driving while intoxicated.