48 Things I’d Stick In My Urethra Rather Than See “Gods of Egypt”

February 23, 2016 / by , / 0 Comment

Gods of Egypt comes out this weekend, and if trailers, reviews, and common sense are any indication, it’s going to be an absolutely shit movie. Thus, we’ve composed a list of 48 things we would literally rather shove into our respective urethrae than go waste 127 minutes watching this masturbatory spectacle of counter-theological garbage:

  1. Dennis Kucinich’s cold, gnarled pointer finger.
  2. Anubis’ left ear.
  3. Gandalf’s staff.
  4. Another man’s urethra.
  5. The flat end of those plastic wires they use to affix tags to clothing.
  6. A printout of the wikipedia article on JFK’s assassination.
  7. Joffrey’s crossbow bolt.
  8. Chris Christie’s freshly-shorn back hair.
  9. Wesley Snipes’ cuticles.
  10. All of the Lipizzaner stallions.
  11. A flaming hot cheeto.
  12. Battery acid.
  13. Piano wire.
  14. A piano.
  15. A strand of hair whose DNA would exonerate Steven Avery of a crime he didn’t commit.
  16. Phineas.
  17. Ferb.
  18. Rob Gronkowski’s nose.
  19. Magic Johnson’s 1987 MVP award.
  20. That glass thing that the Nazi puts onto his stick in order to direct him to the dig site on the map in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  21. Also the stick.
  22. A Millennium Falcon made of legos.
  23. The ISIS flag.
  24. A signed Chris Kluwe jersey.
  25. The liner notes to Pavement’s 1995 album Wowee Zowee.
  26. The receipt from Pablo Sandoval’s most recent trip to Arby’s.
  27. A single entry ripped from the Oxford English Dictionary, containing the word “emoji.”
  28. Tom Brady’s destroyed phone.
  29. A scroll of papyrus containing every Maureen Dowd column ever written, all done in handwritten calligraphy.
  30. All 1,200 of Hillary’s classified emails from her stint as Secretary of State.
  31. A plus-sized model.
  32. The Magna Carta.
  33. Two tickets to Hamilton.
  34. A literal porcupine.
  35. Donald Trump’s penis pump.
  36. An HP laptop.
  37. The exploding pen from Goldeneye.
  38. Andrew Lloyd Webber’s original manuscript for Cats.
  39. Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.”
  40. A cardboard cutout of Tom Daschle.
  41. Every thinkpiece about Macklemore.
  42. A Venti of Starbucks (blonde roast)
  43. Every vacated trophy awarded to a member of the 2004 USC football team, minus Matt Leinart, because he’s gone through enough.
  44. A bendy straw.
  45. Prince’s guitar.
  46. Von Miller’s urine sample.
  47. My own urethra, turned inside out and fed back inside itself.
  48. Every ticket bought for Gods of Egypt, which admittedly shouldn’t be that bad.