Welcome to a new season's wasteland of amorality

Why the NFL Season and True Detective are mostly the same thing

August 16, 2015 / by / 2 Comments

The old adage goes: “When a door closes, a window opens.” This is true in many things, but none more so than in last week’s television programming. With the fiery exit of True Detective’s second season, we bid adieu to a general wasteland of amorality. And not a week later, the National Football League has returned, and we are once again treated to, well, the same exact thing. Here are a few reasons why the second season of True Detective is an awful lot like the NFL season.

1. Nightclubs

In True Detective, Frank Semyon’s empire — albeit just a stepping stone for him — is built on a popular nightclub. I think? Is that correct? I don’t know, this season was pretty fucking confusing. Anyway, know who loves nightclubs? NFL players, and if Frank Semyon lived in literally any relevant place besides Southern California,1 I’m sure his nightclubs would’ve been frequented by star football players. Without nightclubs, one of True Detective‘s lynchpins would have no assets, and NFL players would have to find new venues to accidentally shoot themselves in the leg with the gun in their sweatpants. YES, BECAUSE THEY WORE SWEATPANTS TO A NIGHTCLUB, AND BROUGHT A GUN IN THE POCKET OF SAID SWEATPANTS.

2. Substance Abuse

As we learned throughout Season 2 of True Detective, all four of the main characters struggle with some sort of substance abuse. Ray Velcoro drinks heavily and occasionally does hard drugs. Frank Semyon is drinking in the majority of his scenes. Ani Bezzerides also drinks heavily, in addition to chain-smoking. Paul Woodrugh drinks to excess on occasion and frequently has to pop a Viagra to get it up. All of these substances are abused by numerous NFL players, but for kicks, let’s just say that Velcoro is Johnny Football, Semyon is Gronk, Ani is Jay Cutler, and Paul is…Brett Favre, probably?

3. Not having any idea who at least 60% of the characters are

Much like NFL commentators will talk at length about a 6th-round draft pick from Buttplug State University who hasn’t even taken three snaps in a regular season game, True Detective will happily spend several scenes discussing the activities of characters they only introduced in one scene for 20 seconds and who you don’t even remember because you were distracted by the overwrought dialogue. I’m looking at you, Nice Guy Stan/everyone who plays for the Atlanta Falcons.

4. Everyone in power is unimaginably shitty

True Detective is, above all, a tale of corruption. Think about it: every single person in power, with the exception of Attorney General Davis, is entirely malfeasant, not to mention probably banging a lot of prostitutes. Are they as shitty at their jobs as Roger Goodell? Don’t be silly. Of course not. Goodell would put those pussies to shame.

5. Ugly ginger children


6. People’s hopes and dreams falling apart in California

Frank Semyon hopes to benefit from the construction of a high-speed railroad connecting Northern and Southern California. Velcoro wants to connect with his son. Paul wants a sense of purpose and direction. Jim Tomsula wants all of his best players to stop retiring and/or getting arrested. Jack Del Rio wants to just forget the time he spent in Jacksonville. Mark Davis wants the Raiders to finish one season in the Top 25. None of these people will get what they want.