Why Aren’t The Apes In “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” Eating Their Own Shit?

July 16, 2014 / by / 19 Comments

It’s best I kick this off with a disclaimer: I am not a fanboy of the Planet of the Apes franchise and I have not even seen any other installments. I thought about seeing Rise of the Planet of the Apes in theaters, but quickly realized that if I want to watch a movie detailing the adventures of James Franco and an ape, I might as well just watch Pineapple Express.  The point is that all I knew going into the theater is that I would soon be seeing apes riding horses while wielding Kalashnikovs, and I’ll be damned if that isn’t enough to make me cough up $5.75 on Discount Tuesdays at the local Century Theater. But the film, despite its awesome entertainment value, ended up raising a very important question.

Why aren’t these apes eating their own shit?

I get the fact that it’s “fiction” or “science fiction.” But as acclaimed fiction writer George R.R. Martin said, fiction “has to have a truth at the core of it.” And what truth is more pervasive in this world than the remarkable tendency of apes to chew, swallow, and digest their own assloaves?

You see, these apes can do a lot of things. They can communicate in sign language. They can fire weapons with more accuracy than a stormtrooper. 1 They can wrestle with intense ethical dilemmas, engage in buffoonery to win over the affection of their human counterparts, and hijack tanks. And you’re telling me that with all of those physical faculties, they can’t put their hand under their asses, drop a steamy deuce, and shove it in their mouths?

Some might say that these apes have evolved since their shit-eating days. I beg to differ. First of all, it’s only been a few years. Whatever part of the primate brain that tells them they’re allowed to feast on their own asscakes is clearly a strong enough agent of physiological development that it wouldn’t just disappear after ten years. Nay, these primates are tried and true dookietarians, and the fact that this movie shies away from depicting them eating their own turds is a discredit to the entire franchise.

I hope that the next installment in this franchise — which, if I estimate correctly, will be called Ascent of the Planet of the Apes — addresses the severe deficiency of shit consumption. I want to see Caesar, king of the apes, devour a pile of poo the size of Paula Deen’s FUPA. I want to see his son, Blue Balls (admittedly, I might not be remembering that name correctly) build a device that will funnel shit directly from his ass into his mouth. I want to see the Joey Chestnut of apes eat 60 logs in 25 minutes.

Give the people what they want, Matt Reeves. Show us apes eating their own shit. If you don’t, I’ll forgo seeing your movie and just go to the zoo to see what I want to see: enormous primates sticking heavy heaps of bowel brownies down their throats.