We Retroactively Chose Draft Day Walk-Up Songs for Older NFL Players
This year, the NFL introduced yet another dimension of douchiness to the draft: 30 players selected songs to play while they walk up to the stage after their draft announcement. Most of the song choices were pretty unexciting. For example, Khalil Mack, the star linebacker out of Buffalo University, chose “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, which he probably would not have done had he known he would get drafted by the Raiders. But we can’t help but wonder: had the NFL instituted the draft day walk-up song twenty or thirty years ago, what songs would some of our favorite (and least favorite) NFL stars chosen?
Ryan Leaf — “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas
An intriguingly morose and philosophical song about the fleeting nature of time and life could not have been a better choice for Ryan Leaf. Even right now, I can almost hear the excited applause dying down and giving way to the ballad, much like Leaf’s career died down and gave way to athletes actually fit to play in the NFL.
Tim Tebow — “Like A Virgin” by Madonna
Benched for the very first time.
Ray Lewis — “Ooh Kill Em” by Meek Mill
Sadly there’s no song called “Ooh, be complacent while your friends kill em,” but since there’s really no certainty as to the details of that situation, we feel like this is a good choice for Lewis.
Tony Romo — “You Don’t Have To Let Go” by Jessica Simpson
This song has two meanings — one, it means that Tony Romo used to bang Jessica Simpson, and two, it’s strategic advice for Tony Romo to sometimes just take the sack instead of throwing a pick.
Von Miller — “Because I Got High” by Afroman
Fortunately, there’s no rule prohibiting players from choosing a song used by another player, which means that Justin Blackmon can also take this song.
Tom Brady — “She’s So Fine” by Jimi Hendrix
Mark Sanchez — “Drop It Like It’s Hot” by Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell Williams
Michael Vick — “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence + The Machine
Is it too soon for this one? I’m never sure if it’s too soon to make Michael Vick jokes.
Aaron Hernandez — “Kill everyone” by Skrillex
Okay, this one is admittedly too soon, but how could we not?
Robert Griffin III — “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia
Oh, RG3. You poor bastard. As if it’s not bad enough to be a walking china plate, now you have to identify yourself with a Natalie Imbruglia song.
Ben Roethlisberger — “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell Williams
A creepy song for a creepy guy. All we need now is a video of Miley Cyrus twerking on Ben Roethlisberger. Actually, on second thought, let’s fucking never have a video of Miley Cyrus twerking on Ben Roethlisberger.
Brady Quinn — “Fallin'” by Alicia Keys
Here’s another song that can be adapted to a few different meanings. It easily refers to Quinn falling in the draft, but also can refer to him falling out of any form of relevance.
Ndamukong Suh — “Feet Don’t Fail Me Now” by NEEDTOBREATHE
Get it? Get it? You know, because he deliberately stomped another player’s skull?
Brett Favre — “Photograph” by Nickelback
“Look at this photograph / every time I do it makes me leak the photo because why did you send me a picture of your dick”